MLB ALL SHIT WEEKEND
Category: Sports

So what takes 3 hours and nothing happens? No I am not talking about the Sotomayor hearing, I am talking the home run derby. What a crock of shit this event has become. Three big name players hitting batting practice. I give alot of credit to Pujols, Fielder and Ryan Howard for at least lending their name to this monstrosity formally known as the Home Run Derby. Let me run down the contestants. For The NL: Albert “the most friendly big guy in baseball” Pujols, Prince ” the 270 lbs vegetarian” Fielder, Ryan “don’t forget about me” Howard, and Adrian Gonzalez. (I have nothing witty for him because I had no idea who the fuck he was) And for the AL: Nelson “instead of watching this, I should have went out for a” Cruz, Joe “the catching Twinkie” Mauer, Carlos “my eyes are in” Pena, and Brandon “watching this makes me” Inge. Where was Josh Hamilton, A Rod, and Jason Bay? At this moment I am thinking the AL IS FUCKED! And DING DING, I win a new car for that thought.

Here are the Derby rules. Each hitter gets 10 outs. If they hit the ball and it isn’t a home run, it’s an out. On the 9th out they get the egg laid by the golden goose from Willy Wonka thrown at them. If they hit it over, State Farm would donate money to a good charity. If hitters tie then they go to a 5 pitch Home Run Off. Sounds a little convoluted for just 8 guys hitting a white ball over the fence.
They each hit in the first round. The first thing running through my head was, who cares about the size of these guys balls? Give them some steroids stat. Brandon Inge did not hit a fucking home run. Whose cock did he suck to get in this derby? My guess, Chris Berman. Think about it, Berman the whole time screamin Whoop! Then right before the shot he yells BACK BACK BACK BACK Gone!!!!!!!!! Nelly in the celebrity softball game had one more home run than Inge. Let me repeat. NELLY THE RAPPER!!!!! Needless to say the fat vegitarian won. Leading me to beileve if I eat more vegetables I will look like Fat Bastard in The Austin Powers movies.

On to Tuesday, The All Star Game. This can’t be as bad right? So game time was supposed to be 7:10… it ended up being 8 but the preshow was better than the game. The salute to the fans that help out other people was very touching. Then came the National Anthem sung by Sheryl Crow. The only thing I was thinking was, Lance Armstrong. Next was a little talking by Joe Buck and some other old guy who prolly likes Worther’s Originals as much as anyone’s grandpa. The tribute to Stan Musial was awesome. It’s Obama throwing the first pitch time. All day on Sports shows all they were talking about was, will he get over the plate. At least he looked better than Mark Whalberg. Alright, IS IT FINALLY GAME TIME?

I didn’t get excited until a player from my favorite team was put in. Zack Grienke. 2 Ks and a foul pop up. Pretty damn good for his first All Star Game. Considering a guy who made a catch at the wall won MVP. Did better than Wakefield in his first All Star Game. Sorry Tim, at least you got to ride the pine. I fell asleep after that and woke up to see that Carl Crawford catch. 2 Innings later it’s over. I am thinking, “Why the fuck did I just waste my time? I should have watched America’s Got Talent.” Because I can’t get enough David Hasslehoff.

St. Louis is a baseball town. They were a great host but not even Jesus dying for our sins could save this weekend! When will the NL win again? For 13 years the AL has been unbeaten. Oh well, when Obama says something’s wrong with NL, there must be something wrong. I say we bail out the NL and send them the NY Yankees and the Mariners for the Marlins and Nationals. Fair Trade Right?

RD Russell
Only Funny @ 4:21