I have been a writer and a comic for almost ten years. I have had fun each and every step of the way. That is why I started this blog. I have always wanted to entertain people doesn’t matter if I am telling joke in front of a small or large crowd or writing on this blog. I want to write why I stepped away from everything last year for awhile. I can’t say this will be a funny blog but you probably laugh a little and feel some emotion. Here goes nothing!
This really started two years ago it started at the health dept. in Carthage. I had to get a birth certificate to get an ID. For the longest time, I was at the thought that the people who raised me were my parents. My mom wouldn’t let me have the original copy of my certificate. How screwed up is that? Well I had to get one. I walked in and filled out the paper to get that Missouri stamped document. The lady behind the desk as sweet as can be said “ I have no records on file.” She then asked if there was anyone she could talk to. I gave the phone number of the woman who I thought was my mom. I could hear screaming over the phone. Have you been on the phone with someone who is a loud talker and everyone could hear it? Well, this was 10 times worse. The lady hung up the phone, face completely white. She went over to the computer and printed off my certificate. She said, “I am sorry to tell you this. Here is your birth certificate.” I found out that the people who raised me were actually my grandparents. My birth mother was who my grandma told me was my sister. That’s just all kinds of FUCKED UP right there. I seriously think if I ever wanted to start a drug problem that would be the day. Also, I found that my last name was different too. I would have asked my grandpa first but he passed away in 1997 due to cancer. I called my grandma. My grandma then proceeded to tell me what had happen when I was born. The only thing running through my head is can I trust anything she says. I took everything with a grain of salt. I am glad I had two of my best friends there with me. If it wasn’t for them I know I would have lost it right there. Thank you Joe And Crystal.
Fast forward to February of 2009. It started like any other normal day. I woke up around 9. I started to get ready for work at 12:30. I decided to call my grandma. She wouldn’t answer her phone. I thought maybe she was at the grocery store or at the Dollar store. Damn, She loved her cookies. Everyday she had cookies. It was almost like she should have been blue and lived on Sesame Street. Normally, this really wouldn’t bother most people, but she had been very sick for the past few years. We kept trying after 2 hours of calling, My ex fiancée and I decided to go over and check on her. We knocked and knocked for almost 15 minutes. I realized that the screen door was locked. Which means, she was at home. The only way inside in the house was removing the screws on the back door window and reaching in to unlock it. I had to break into my grandma’s house. I need to let you know, She was a pack rat. There were apple boxes stacked right in front of the door. I had to move those before I could get in. Finally inside the house, I find her laying face first in the floor motionless. I always had this fear that I would come in sometime and find her passed away. I heard whimper. She is alive but how long would she still be alive for. I let in her friend Allan in the door. We called 911. The house was so piled up that we couldn’t get her out the front door. We had to take her out the back. A couple of days later her doctor told us that she had a stroke and if I hadn’t have found her she would have been gone. He also told us, that we either had to move in with her or in with us. If we don’t or she doesn’t, she would have to be placed in a nursing home. I always vowed that I would never let that happen. I really look back on it now, wish then I would have done it. Needless to say,We moved in.
Seven years ago, I was a senior in HS. I met a wonderful girl. She was my HS sweetheart. We started dating September 9th, 2003. Is it bad I still remember what time she called and said her parents approved? I’m a loser, I know. December of 2005 I asked her to marry me. I talked to a couple of her friends at Pizza Hut, if they could spell Will You Marry Me in pepperoni. They did it for me. They had the choir Christmas dinner that night. Every time after a choir concert they would go to Pizza Hut. It just felt right. I had prayed about asking her and thought god gave me the answer to ask her. She saw the Pizza, I got down on one knee Asked her. Interrupted by my friend Tyler, What if she says no? I told him that I would ask him. She cried and said yes. It was the happiest day of my life. She was having problems at home. That is what she always told me. I believed it then. One of her friends was a lesbian. She wanted to hang out with her. Her parents through a fit about her hanging out with her. I remember that phone call. She told me she thinks her parents think she was a lesbian. A little awkward. July 4th 2006 after telling her parents to fuck off. DAMN, that felt good. It was almost orgasmic. They had been on my ass about not having a driver license for almost two years. It’s not something I liked to talk about. So I told them I did. I was ashamed but couldn’t get one.I will talk about that later on in this blog. She moved out. She was going to live with her friend but her parents didn’t like the way my ex left her house. She moved in with me. It was going very well until I heard that I was going to talk her out of college. I think going to college is one of the best things a person can do to better themselves. So yeah my intentions the whole time was to fuck her over. I call Bullshit. Maybe if they actually took the time to get to know me instead of judging me instantly, They would have known that. She goes her first year of college and quits after that. Ever since she moved in with me her parents accused us of having sex. When she moved in we didn’t. I was raised that you shouldn’t have sex till your married. I am, however not going to hold anything back in this, We did start having sex when she entered college. I kept telling no but I finally gave in one night. I felt bad after each time right up until we broke up. I felt like I was disobeying my grandpa. I am really old school sometimes. Just live with it. I however did come to realization that this was going to be the girl I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
The reason I tell this much of our relationship is to get to March 2009. At work one night, she had a customer that knew her. He was a friend of her families. We was in his twenties. I am gonna say this, normally I am not a jealous person. He called her drunk at work wanting to get with her. She said she was in a relationship. They started hanging out. She would stay at his house till 3 or 4 sometimes 6 in the morning after they started talking again. I told her I wasn’t comfortable with it at all. We got into a huge fight over it. At that moment I thought it was over. We somehow by the grace of the good lord worked it out. We had one date between April and August. We went to a Springfield Cardinals game. She was on the phone texting this guy the whole time. I try telling her how I feel but I kinda felt dumb thinking that she would do that to me. It was always in the back of mind. Do I think she cheated on me in April? Does a fat kid like cake? We were talking on night in May. She asked me have you ever been curious about being with someone else? What in the blue hell do I say? Yes, but Rachael Ray ain’t gonna happen. Well, I knew our relationship was in trouble then. The bright idea I had was to swing. This way I knew I wouldn’t lose her. She thought it was a great idea. For those of you who do not know what swinging is, Its when a couple switches partners. We joined a website. Payed a monthly due and met a couple out of Springfield. I felt really uncomfortable doing this. I felt like I had no choice. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. We went I couldn’t perform because it wasn’t the girl I loved. However, She had sex with him like I wasn’t even there. It was so damn heartbreaking to see happening in front of me. Then we talked about having an open relationship. I thought maybe she will get it out of her system. I thought wrong. I stayed at home taking care of my grandma while she was having sex with one of her three guys. I tried to talk to a few of our friends thinking maybe I could just have someone to hang out with. Never happened. We fought everyday during this time period. I knew the end was near. She told a few people the only reason that she had two jobs was because she didn’t want to help take of my grandma. Yeah, I know she didn’t want to be there. August a mutual friend of ours came down to see us. She gave me the advice to end it. To move on to a girl who would like me for me. I did believe her. I wish I hadn’t. I asked my ex if we could go back to having our normal relationship while sitting in Branson with my friend. It was a Tuesday night. She said she couldn’t do that, she was having too much fun having sex. I ended it then. My birthday was a week later. Great Birthday present huh? I didn’t kick her out after the break up. Everyone I talked to told me I was too nice. Well I do want to say that goes both ways. The last couple of months hurt so bad, I took a lot out on her. I did hurt her as well. When we fought, Hitler turned in his grave. I still feel guilty for everything I did. The next few months we fought like cats and dogs. I called her every name between here and the moon. She did the same. I gave a lot to my grandma. I took care of her I put her first. I didn’t know how to take care of two people. She told me I wasn’t much of man cause I took care of Grandma. Looking back, is there things I would change? No i wouldn’t. Everyday I think about it. It’s really hard to let go. We haven’t talked in a long time. I have lost everything in the past few months. She still wants more from me, including gifts she got me and some of my stuff. Time heals all wounds, this one might need more than time, maybe a nice salve and a band aid.
The last week of August I went to hang out with one of my friends in Springfield to take my mind off things. I went on a couple of dates. Couldn’t really get over it. I went back home. My grandma’s health deteriorated. I was trying to get as much help with her as possible. I tried doing things on my own. Not the best idea. I couldn’t drive anywhere. I was learning how to drive got cut off and wound up flipping into a ditch. I hadn’t been behind a wheel since. My grandma would yell and tell me how much of a piece of shit I was to drive. She would put me through some of the worst guilt trips I have ever gone through. I have done a lot in my life. There are things because of her I never got a chance to have or do. I never got senior pics, letterman’s jacket, class ring, college, drive, shoot a gun, I guess you can say have a normal life.
In October I tried to lose weight to hopefully make a girl like me. I would go jogging daily. One day. I was jogging and stepped in a pot hole servilely spraining my ankle. I went to have x-rays done found out each ankle had a huge case of calcium build up. Try this sometime, Go to a hoarders house and try to walk on crutches. I think performing brain surgery is easier. I went to stay with a friend of mine till I got better. Well, during this time my grandma had another stroke. She didn’t even know how to cook anymore or remember who I was. She would throw away any food I made her. She even pulled a knife on me. Well, the police had to break in the house the same way I did earlier. Remember my mom is a pack rat. He deemed the house unlivable until it was cleaned out. Anytime any of us tried to touch anything we would feel the Wrath of Kahn. Well, the people who checked her out of the hospital this second time were her nieces. My grandma has been sick for a long time. I really haven’t had any help. Damn, where were they the past few years. I got an idea. Sitting in a chair with a thumb up their ass. They take her from the hospital and keep her. Stuff had been taken out of my house. Including money I had. Her family family seems to show up exactly the right time. It’s always when some one is sick. My grandma told me that I had guardianship of her. Come to find out no one had guardianship at all. This starts a war between her family and myself. Guardianship goes to the first born child.
My grandma was in early 20s when she first got married. She had a son by her first husband. She gave him up because she couldn’t take care of him. That isn’t what she told her family. She told them that her son had died. Why would you do that? There are things you lie about but a death of child is just as low as you can get. Well, when she got sick, He decided to show up. I didn’t know anything about him. I will call it now, WHAT A PRICK! He thinks I was hurting her and that I am 40 something. Hey, I look great for being 40. He decided to tell everyone he had guardianship of my grandma. My grandma got her name on my bank account as well. She forged my name so she could be on it. She gave him some of my money. He wanted something that she had and wanted it worse than my ex wanted sex. Well, he decided to lie about that. Are you catching a drift here? My grandma was a huge liar. I have no clue what to believe anymore about a lot of things.
Finding out that my grandma gave him up for adoption, he couldn’t have guardianship. It was time to take a trip to Arkansas to find my birth parents. I needed to tell my mom what had happened. We hadn’t talked in years. My grandma hated my mom. I was always told how much of a whore and a slut she was. At that time, I didn’t even know she was my mother. My friend and I went down to Arkansas to find them. A five hour drive we show up in Pocahontas AR. This is the addy we got from the Internet. I found out that she had moved. We go to the police station seeing if they can find her or her ex. We ended up finding her ex. That night I found out he was my Dad and that I am a JR. I am happy we found him it was beginning to look a little bleak. I found out some of the truth that night. I still hadn’t talked to my mom yet. We head back to my house to start the cleaning including my dad.
My grandma’s nieces are making it harder. I decided it’s time to call my mom. I was a little scared about this. I was thinking about everything my grandma told me. Grandma did the same thing to my mom as well. My grandpa had cheated on her with the neighbor and knocked her up. She didn’t want my mom so my grandparents adopted her. I found out when I was 22. She found out when she was 39. I have a very screwed up family. Well, she answers the phone. She thought I was someone else. I told her who I was and I needed her help. It was one of the most emotional moments that happened through this whole thing. She came to figure out what she needed to do. We got her the medical attention that she finally needed. We got her an evaluation. She is in a nursing home. Which is why I kinda regret doing it a few months ago. During that process, I find out that I lost my home to the nursing home. I still feel homeless. I really loved that place. I hated the town. I found out that my parents would help me as much as possible. I really want to thank them for that.
During this time period I really was battling depression bad. Right after my break up and my grandma forgetting who I am, I tried to kill myself twice. I didn’t really care to live and still don’t to a point. I still fight those feelings today. I can’t help but sometime dwell on the bad that has happened in the past few months. I am trying not to. I also turned to alcohol as well. I was drinking a 5th a day from Nov 8th to December 11th. I have learned everything happens for a reason. I think part of this happening is I am going to go back to school.I feel like it took long enough to get to this process. i always let something keep from doing it. I know in time I will get married to someone better than my ex. I am finally over it. I am not gonna lie about it. If something bad happened, Oh well. I know, I will do much better and find the perfect girl. As for my Grandma, I talk to her everyday and I cry each time I get off the phone. After all the bad that she did to me I still love her. I am still getting adjusted to actually having parents. I do love them both. I know I don’t show it. I am weird. What Can I say? I love all my friends who have been there for me and will be there in the future. And Thank you for reading this. It really means a lot to me. Life is like a human game of chess, Don’t let yourself be put in check mate.
RD Russell
Only Funny @ 4:21