One of my main goals in the entertainment business is to somehow get on Dancing With The Stars. I feel like I have only 3 ways to achieve this life long goal. 1. Win an Olympic Gold Medal in a sport no one cares about. My example:Speed Walking. Couldn’t you see a speed walkers face on a box of Wheaties? The only way I have a chance is if everyone else gets disqualified for jogging. Seriously, how in the hell would you be able to tell that you are going to fast? 2. Make a sex tape with a Kardashian. It could be Kourtney, Kim, Khloe or Bruce Jenner. I am desperate. Don’t judge me. I wonder if you could even tell if he was enjoying sex or not? 3. Find a beautiful girl that is willing to have a gaggle of kids. Then, we would get our own reality show on TLC. I wonder if I can combine 2 and 3? Hells to the Yeah. Sadly, tonight is the season 11 premiere of Dancing. I know, Abc should have put me on there. It is ok. Maybe next year. I am like the Cubs. Someday, Someday, Someday. I have seen the list of celebs and this list makes Kathy Griffin’s D-list look like bad asses.
My predictions for this seasons Dancing With The Stars. I will start from last place to who I think will win it all.
12. We have a Situation coming in last place. You might be on an MTV show but that doesn’t make you talented. Just ask Spencer Pratt or the girl coming in at 11. I didn’t know the fist pump was a ballroom dance?
11. Audrina Patridge unlike The Hills. Dancing isn’t “scripted.” I feel you will be having a Milli Vanilli moment.
10. Bristol Palin. America won’t vote her off at least for two weeks. We want to see her cougar mom and can’t help but staring at a train wreck.
9. Jennifer Grey. Ferris Buller couldn’t even give you a chance to win in this one. In week 4, Baby will be put in the corner.
8.Kyle Massey. Raven saw the future. Her vision said you were gonna suck worse than Katie Morgan in Blow Job Sluts # 845
7. Margret Cho. She is truly funny but I see her being more of a manly lesbian. So, she wont be able to dance well.
6. Rick Fox. 3 time NBA Champion. Actor in Tyler Perry’s: Meet The Browns movie. No chance in hell.
5. Florence Henderson: Here’s the story of a lovey lady. Who was voted off in week number 8.
4. Micheal Bolton. I have nothing witty. He just isn’t that cool to me. This show was made for him.
3. David Hasslehoff: Kit is driving you into third. You will be so close to the Disco Ball trophy and you will wont be able to retrieve it. It will be like that episode of Baywatch where you weren’t able to save that kid fro Russian kidnappers.You did run a lot in that episode.
2. Brandy. For the Love of Ray J, Where the hell has she been? This will put her back in the public eye for at least 10 or 15 minutes.
1. The winner will be Kurt Warner: Super Bowl MVP and all around awesome guy. Plus his partner so much better looking than Larry Fitzgerald.
Enjoy the Season 11 premiere tonight on ABC