I have found something that relaxes me. Frankie Goes To Hollywood said it best with their song Relax. Wait a second!!!! DAMN IT! Do you people think all I do is masturbate? I’m sick and disgusted by your thoughts and you are about 75% right. On a side note, I have been helping the landlord paint the house. My right arm is so numb that I have been put on the masturbation 15 day Disabled List. It pains me to say this, I really need to find someone who would be willing to give me Dutch Rudder since I can’t move my arm. If I am feeling really adventurous a Double Dutch Rudder. Back to the Story at hand. Ha. That just cracked me up a little. I said hand right after talking about masturbation. Anyways, I found that playing pool relaxes me. I love the game now. Hated it when I was younger cause I got my ass handed to me like Denver did yesterday. Now, I am decent enough to win a few games.
Sunday has a new ritual for me. That is going to a bar and shooting pool. My sister, my father, some other guy and myself partake in the festivities. We just like to shoot pool. Well, this day started like any other normal day. I, of course win against my sister, and the other guy. My sister leaves the table to shoot pool or I can say forced to shoot pool against a drunk lady. She is screaming like a teenager on prom night when she makes a shot. Come on Go In! Yes! Yes! Yes! It went in. It went in. Needless, to say my sister got easily annoyed by this. She needed backup and her backup was in the form of a 222 pound hunk of USDA Grade A man meat.
I now have to play the women in drunken bliss. I know what I must do. I must win. We start off game one. I’m solids. Now a mental play by play for the first game. I made in two balls. I think I can take her. She made one. No big deal. 3 balls in. She has to miss this shot. What in the flying butt fuck? She only has one ball on the table. Where the hell was I for the 4th and 5th pall. Stay calm Richard. I got this. Think about What Would Alan Thicke Do? He would blame someone else. That is what I will do. Mike Seaver get in here. Fuck I lost. That was a play by play as to what was going on in my head. I got beat so bad in that game, I thought I was in a Lifetime Movie.
This is where it starts getting a little weird. She comes around the table to shake my hand. Please remember that she is loaded like a baked potato. Instead of shaking my hand, She hugs me and starts necking me. Where was my rape whistle when I needed it. I pushed her away. She asked if I wanted to play again. I said sure because I’m a nice guy. That’s right ladies there are nice guys left. What I should have done, is pretended to be in a car chase on COPS and run the other fucking direction. It is moments like this that make me question my refusal to drink hard liquors in bars. She won again and again and again.
The fourth game felt a little different to me. I felt it coming on. Lunch made me have the worst case indigestion. I shouldn’t have had the mushrooms. I played like I was bat who had diarrhea and didn’t care where that shit went. I won a game. I WON. Choke on that slap nuts. However, she tried to distract me on my last shot by showing her 50 year old breasticles. If you were born in the 70s or 80s, I am your man. I am the Disco And New Wave Chick Thriller. If you are cute or hott, I would have allowed it. She wasn’t. I felt so wrong. It was like a train wreck, unlike most train wrecks, I could look away. My sister the loving and caring individual that she is, Decided to play Black Velvet on the ole jukebox. If you read retro video a couple of days ago you know my opinion that I think it is a good lap dance song. The drunk lady tried dancing to it and not on my lap. My lap is saved for a certain someone’s lap dance abilities. She is moving like a white guy listening to rave music. She starts to stumble and she falls to her knees. Normally, I am all up for a girl being on her knees in front of me but the thought of possibly getting gummed doesn’t get me hard. My penis would know what it would feel like to have sex with a gunny bear though.
She wants to bet on our last game. 2 dollars. I try not to lose bets and I didn’t lose that one. That was the last game we played. I took two dollars from a drunk lady. I feel so bad. We used it on the jukebox. My wonderful is picked my song. Unskinny Bop. Fucking Poison. Come to think of it. This chick would fit perfectly on the Rock Of Love Bus.
That should be the end of my story but there is one part left. I go back to the pool table we are shooting on. I started a game the long lost Hanson brother. The drunk lady starts cheering for me. This is kinda funny but I did enjoy hearing my named yelled for a change. It’s been a while. I’m lonely. Don’t judge me. He wins. I let him. We have to keep his ego high. Then, my sister beats him. I’m playing my sister at this moment. I go to rack the balls. Hi Ho Silver Away, It’s The Drunken Ranger to pinch my nonexistent ass. I am bent over grabbing pool balls to rack and she pinched my ass. I have been violated. I know how it feels to be a female Latin reporter in the New York jets locker room. Through all the adversity, I went on to win that game.
I learned a lot about myself that day. One thing is never forget my rape whistle. Bars can be a very strange and scary place. No Means Maybe enough liquor. When you are sexy like me you never know what can and will happen. The other thing is to seriously invest and buy some Booty Pop Panties. If I am ever gonna have my ass grabbed again I want the other person to be just as happy. It is an experience like this that will make man appreciate the normal people in your life.
Richard Pruitt