I bought a laptop back in March. It was nice not having to use my big desktop computer anymore. A lot has happened in my life since then. Well about a month or so ago I got the desktop back. I didn’t want to turn it on. I felt like I had no need to. I have a laptop, what is the point of having it on. Well, the urge struck me a couple of nights ago. For the first time since March I turned my desktop on. Funny story, password screen came up. I couldn’t remember the damn thing for almost an hour. It hit me that my password on that thing was That’s What She Said. My “mother” and her other half hated The Office. It was easy picking something from a show is way too smart for them. Anyway, back to the story. Is it bad I got a little nervous when I clicked on my pictures folder. Not cause I didn’t know what was on there. If I am gonna have porn on my computer it sure as hell ain’t gonna be in my pictures folder. That is your helpful porn hiding hint for the day. The reason I got nervous was cause of my past. This computer contained all the pictures of the life I sometimes want back. There are pics of my ex and me. Ok. I don’t want that back. That would be like going to see a really bad movie in theaters and seeing it again, hoping the second time is better. Hell no. I am getting that homesick feeling. Not cause I miss El Dorado. That would be like missing a colon exam. Damn. I miss the people in my life. My Friends. I miss being able to call them up and just randomly go to an IHOP at 4 in the morn. Why? Cause we could. I had hidden some folders on the computer. If you knew my birth mother, you would have hidden folders too. I don’t even remember what’s in these. I think I found porn. Nope. There is a lot of the scripts I have finished. The first book I have ever penned. Then there was the folder that brought back every memory from a year ago.
I will not use real names in this blog due to embarrassment or people getting pissed. I will however take names from The Office and put in places of the real. There was my Pam folder. All the pics that we have together over the years. I think we all have that one person in our mind that makes us wonder What if? The one who got away. I will always feel like she was mine. She was my best friend in the world. I miss being able just to talk to her for hours about nothing. Making fun of me was a great pastime we had. Also, getting me to sing Genie in A Bottle during Karaoke will be one of the most interesting things in my life. She was there for me when no one else was. I can honestly say I fell in love with her. She was what I was looking for.
Well, I had finally got my dream job. I was supposed to be off to the magical world of LA. Due to some strings that got pulled I was gonna get to work and write for a friend of mine. My egg donor (thanks to someone for that witty comment) told me that I couldn’t handle it out there. She kept saying this and saying this. My mind at this time was not in the right state. This is when everything was going wrong with my Real Mom. I guess you can say I was easy manipulated. Cause she finally talked me out of that. I look back on it now. Let’s just say. Still Pissed off about it. Well, Pam was there until I had to bring my egg donor in the mix. Pam was supposed to go out there with me. Who wants to move to a new place without a friend? Am I right. Well after someone talked me out of ir, I had to tell Pam I wasn’t going. I didn’t know how. So I just ignored her for about a week. Second dumbest thing I ever did. I told her everything I think it was 3 weeks later. She was very upset with me for letting someone walk over me like that. We really haven’t spoke since.
Does it hurt? Everyday. Do I miss Her? Everyday. Do I still love her? Everyday. I came to terms awhile back that I have lost her completely. If some weird thing happens and she reads this. I want her to know that I am sorry. I am still not 100 percent me after going through everything I did and still am. I never meant to hurt you the way I did. I wish it never happened but it did. I never meant to lie to you. I at least would like your friendship again. If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be here. I miss you.
We all have in our minds that at some point there is the one who got away. I am scared I am going to make that mistake twice sometimes. I do think hanging out with someone is rubbing off on me. I think, no wait, yes, my balls have dropped some more. One of my biggest fears is talking to girls. Why, cause they have boobs. Honestly, the fear of rejection is one thing. The other is cause I talk myself out of it. I always think, Why would they like some chubby guy who tells jokes? I do this on a daily basis. I am very hard on myself. Here is one for you. If I really like a girl and we haven’t talked much before we meet. I am very quiet. Its like I go in to shy mode. Kinda funny. That’s not me at all. I am the least from being shy. That’s why I am scared I am going to make the mistake twice.We have to learn from our past before we move on. I can never listen to someone who says “Just forget it, it’s in the past.” No. If we did that, we would be put in the same spot in the future.
Think about someone special tonight. If you are feeling really good about it, tell them. (Even if you found your one. Tell them. It never hurts to tell someone how special they are to you.)You never know. Instead of the one that could have been, They just might be the one. I think I just had one of those moments where I have to take my own advice.