My name is Stick Figure ( I met this MILF in a bar. I took her out back and fucked her hard in the backseat of my car. I dropped on her my atomic bomb. When I got done, I realized that I just porked your mom.) Dan. After reading Fat Fuck Chuck’s post about how he lost weight, I decided to write something of my own. By the way, Are you really believing that shit he fed you? He is still mother fucking fat. I remember when I saw an ad for The Biggest Loser. I thought NBC was making a reality show about him. That will put asses on the couch. No one would watch that. I take that back, some poor pathetic soul in prison for life, will feel sorry for your fat ass. I didn’t know the show was about weight loss. Oh, And that wasn’t his penis that he saw. It was his boyfriends. Just cause it was close to your face, doesn’t mean it was yours. Stop lying to our faithful readers. You know why he is so white, cause you can’t get a damn tan in the closet. Enough about Porky Pig and his pork barrel. It is time to talk about someone more important and better looking. That is right. Me!
It was the fall of 2001. The leaves were changing colors and the wind had a little bite to it. I was just getting to that age to where I was curious about touching boobs. I love boobs. All Shapes, All Sizes. I was put into a game of stick figure strip poker in our nations capital. There were 8 of us. 6 females and 2 males. I won of course. The only good thing The Vanilla Fat Albert taught me was to rig a deck. The only thing running through my mind was, I came to Washington D.C. and I get to see bush. The girl Stick Figure I have started to develop feelings for, just happened to be one of the lucky naked ladies. Stick Figure Janet. We were the best of friends. Every time I got hit in the balls, SFJ was there to take care of me. We were inseparable. One problem. His name, Stick Figure Larry. SFL treated her like shit. He would emotionally and physically abuse her. Stick on Stick domestic crime is a problem. This asshole, took it to a whole new level. He would call her twiggy. Calling a Stick Figure the T word is the most offensive thing you can do. I might be an ass hole but I have a feeling. The only feeling I have ever had was for this girl. I was tired of seeing that bastard hurt her.
She called me one night a quarter after 1. She said ” She was all alone and I need you now.” I then realized it was Richard drunk calling me. Fucking bag of douches. Ladies, he is one man that should never drink. He sleep humps. Wanna know how I know that. Just ask every male he talks to. Heed my warning. Pucker your assholes. Back to my story. She calls me crying. He erased her hair in the middle of the night with an eraser the shape of a race car. Excuse me when I say this. That fucking Twig. That was the straw the broke old lady’s arthritic back. Why would he do that? He was pissed that she wouldn’t do what he wanted her to do. He wanted her to cover Dukes Mayo all over herself and sing the chorus to the 1960s hit, It’s My Party. while that was going on he would be humping a blow up doll saying, You are rubber, take my glue.
The time had come. I decided it was time to confront Larry. I let Janet know I was going to do this. She was scared and asked me “why?” I said, “Cause I Love you.” She looked at me like Bambi looked at her mom when she was shot. She began to cry. I told her, I am going to defend your honor and you will never have to put up with Larry again.
The next day, I went on my search for Larry. He never liked me and was somewhat afraid of me. Well, guess where I found the bastard. K-mart. I told Larry that there was only gonna be one stick figure getting to park in Janet’s Pussy Express and that was me. He looked at me with those little beady eyes. He said ” Da da Dan. Please don’t hurt me. I wont do it again, I promise on my mommas life” He said it all whiny like. He sounded like fucking Peter Brady in that episode of The Brady Bunch. I replied back ” Your mom was a fucking pencil.” (Which was true. His Mom’s name was, Fort Ticonderoga #2.) He whimpered like the little submissive bitch that he was. I pulled out my gat and shot him in cold ink in the isles of K-Mart. There are no laws in the animated world. (unless you were created by Disney.) I looked down at his lifeless Stick Figure body. I said ” Blue Light Special in Hell.”
I want everyone to make a note. To make me look more bad ass, picture me wearing a leather duster for that last part..
I went back to Janet’s. I grabbed her by the waist. To told her “The River Was Deep but I swam it. Janet. The Future is ours so lets plan it. I also killed Larry” I said to her. She looks up at me and smiles. It looked liked Richard was lifter off her shoulders. We went back in the bed room. Where I got me some BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. We made sweet passionate love all night long. The next we tried the kinky shit. Yeah! That’s right be mother fucking jealous. That was the first time, I ever got laid.
I bet you wanna know if we are still together. I dumped her ass 32 minutes after the kinky shit. She wanted to talk and cuddle. To much drama for me.
Guess what I have some Christmas merch in the Craving Humor Store. Got there now and pick up your own SFD Where My Ho Ho Ho At Shirt or key chain or coffee mug. Just fucking do it.
Figure It Out
Stick Figure Dan