Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to the Drunk Files aka Redneck style. This is a special look into the life of my drunken friend. For safety reasons and reasons that he could be wanted in 12 states and the Philippines, we will call him Murph. Now, Murph loves his Bud Light. His motto, Anything is possible with a bud light in my hand. This story of the Drunk Files is titled, The Buck Stops Here.
It was a cold Saturday Morning. I haven’t been to bed yet. I was out drinking the night before with my peeps. I am partially, Nope scratch that, I’m still fucking hammered. The only reason I am up before the sun comes up is, that its deer season. A ritual that goes on in my family for generations. I fix me some breakfast to help with the pain of a headache. Maybe I shouldn’t have had that extra shot of whiskey. Jack Daniel’s is the only man I will ever have inside of me. I guess that is not true. If I am feeling cheap maybe a little Evan Williams but that’s it. I finish my awesome breakfast of Tang and a strawberry Toaster Strudel. I put on my camo and my don my dead sexy hunter orange. I am too damn pretty to die.
A method that I like to use to bring the bucks to me, covering myself in doe urine. I like to tie a rag to myself that is soaked in deer urine. I walk to my deer stand in the middle of nowhere with this rag following me. I walk around the stand and drop it. The buck will follow the scent and give you the perfect shot. After I got all decked out in my leafy looking camo. I soak my myself in the urine of Bambi. I was ready to get on the rag. Covered. I leave my my camper trailer which smelled like human urine. I thought this was gonna be like any other day of hunting. I was wrong.
I am still kinda far away from my deer stand. I heard Buck. I thought well I can get to my deer stand without it finding me. I continue to walk toward my deer stand in my drunken state. I was in grass that came up to my waist. I hear the Buck again. It sounded closer. If you have never heard a buck make noise. It sounds like a cross between a cow and the teacher from Charlie Brown. I hunkered down in the grass. I was hoping the buck would just go away. I stand back up. I’m starting to get a little scared. I take a few more steps with the grass making noise. The buck sounds again. This time, He is really close.
I hunker down in the tall grass. Nothing will make a man fear god more than the felling of getting raped by 20 or even a 30 point buck. Damn, this fucking doe urine. I begin to pray. I ask god if he saves me, I will never drink again. I cut off my rag I hear his moose like call again. My asshole puckers like a set of lips at a kissing booth. I take a couple of more steps. He calls. He is right on top of me. I grab my gun shaking, like a maraca. I start turning in a circle whimpering each time I move. I go around in a circle once. No buck.
I come around the second time. As soon as I look up there is the buck looking and snorting. It was like a night with Courtney Love. I just blindly shot my gun in the direction of the buck. I hit him and I ran screaming like an 11 year old girl at a Justin Bieber concert. I get up to my deer stand holding my gun. Saying, “Thank You, Jesus! Thank You, Jesus”
The sun started to rise above the horizon. I found the buck that was gonna rape me. He made some great steaks served with a side of mashed Potatoes.. I also haven’t quit drinking. Sorry God. The moral of this story, If you are gonna hunt when drunk. Hunt Turkeys or Snipe.