I was gonna save this for a big bowl of rand om but thought it was too good to pass up. The summer of my sophomore year of high school, I would hang out with my friend tubbs at his parents. We had some good times. Someday, if his parents ever clean the picture frame in the front room, They will find some Oreo cookies in it. We also had a wonderful water gun fight in the house. The result me contracting mother fucking swimmers ear. I couldn’t even open my mouth to eat a meatball sub from Subway. Well, our food of choice was pepperoni and mushroom pizza. I like to refer to this summer as the summer I got fat, or The Summer I expanded horizontally.
18 straight days of the same pizza. We didn’t just have it once a day. We had twice a day. Day 11. I woke up knowing that we were going to the wonderful town of Springfield. I knew that there was 5 slices of pizza left. I went to his computer room. I checked my email. I finish doing that and head to the living. What do I see? My friend eating a slice of pizza. I told him I was going to get a slice. He looks at me with the most dumb founded look ever and says “I ate the last piece.” I was fucking pissed. I pitched a temper tantrum that would make a 4 year old jealous. He heads in the computer room. I think to myself, I am going to get even. What do I do? I grab his half gallon of strawberry ice cream and eat the whole thing in front of him. The whole time i was yelling ” Who’s the bitch now?” I paid for that later in the day. Here is some advice. Don’t eat a half gallon of ice cream and go to an all you can eat buffet.
On day 18, for lunch, the tubbster suggest we go to Pizza Hut. I have had enough. I put my damn foot down. “HELL NO. Why can’t we go get some fucking chicken. Anywhere but mother fucking pizza. I am sick and tired of eating butt humping pizza hut. You know we are going to Golden Corral. You have no damn choice in the matter.” We go to Nevada MO. We walk into the Golden Corral. I fill up my plate with chicken and any kind of meat I can get. What does he get of their buffet? That is right. Fucking Pizza. I am still burnt out on pizza to this day.
I tell you all this to get the reason I am so happy. I got to my biggest last year. A whopping 300+. I decided after seeing a pic of me, that I need to loose weight. A year later I am down to 222. I am still chubby and I still have my love chunks. It makes me more lovable.
I got in the shower today. I stood straight up and looked down. Guess what I saw? That is right. My penis. For the first time of the Summer of Pizza. I saw my penis looking right back at me. I was a little startled. I thought he was gone forever. I was about to contact the milk companies and have him put on cartons. Missing! Have you seen Mr. Bilbo? I named him after The Hobbit. His other name is Porkchop. That is based off the little dog from Doug. I wanted to let you The Buzz Kill Nation, That you too can lose weight. Want my secrets? Ramen Noodles and Pepsi.
Only Funny @ 4:21