I have been feeling really depressed. I have just recently been diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis. Fear has been running through me constantly since. I can’t sleep. I haven’t been eating well. I have to keep my head up except on rainy or snowy days. I could drown. I have been thinking a lot since this has happened. I keep getting asked what I want for Christmas though. I really like that everyone has been trying to keep my mind occupied. The possibilities are endless. I could ask for Pepsi but that would be like feeding the animals at the zoo. I could ask for a girlfriend. However I wasn’t asked what miracle I wanted for Christmas. I could ask for some Tinker Toys. HAHAHA. I am not my sister. It hit me. I know what I want this year. I want my health.
I still haven’t figured out how to accomplish my wish. The only I have been able to think of is selling my soul to Satan or finding a Witch Doctor. I have tried many ways to accomplish it though. I have went on search for leaf clovers. Kinda hard to do when it’s colder than a blind man’s teet. I keep looking at the clock so it will be 11:11. I have horrible timing at doing this. I can call a girl as soon as they get out of the shower. Trying to look at the clock at 11:11 is like trying to find a virgin in the Karadashian family. I pretended it was my birthday and blew out all the candles on the cake. The downside the wish didn’t come true. The upside, I got cake and who doesn’t love cake. I have tried throwing pennies down the toilet to make a wish. Each wish I have made has turned out shitty. You saw the bad pun coming from a mile away. Stevie Wonder knew it was coming.
It was the middle of the day on December 23. I have been feeling kinda weak. It goes along with the sickness. I log onto Facebook. I see every one is festive and happy. Not me. I wish, I could feel the same way they do. I would give anything just to feel fine. Not to have the burden on my shoulders. I decided to lay down. I put in the movie, A Christmas story. That movie makes me feel better no matter what time of year it is. I feel my eyes getting heavy. I doze off in a matter of minutes after the part where Flick gets his tongue stuck to the pole. Classic. An hour goes by. All of a sudden, it strikes me in the middle of my nap. I know who can fulfill my Christmas wish! Santa Claus.
I get on the world wide web to see where the closest place Santa was going to be today. Holy Chocolate Mint Candy Canes, Batman! Santa is going to be in town for a parade tonight. This is my chance to possibly get my health back. I know what I have to do. I have to be ready on that parade route. It also gives me an excuse to possibly eat some Tootsie Rolls. THE GREATEST CANDY KNOWN TO MAN!!!!! I need to figure out how I am gonna get the Big Man’s attention. I am getting really nervous. The parade begins at 7 and it is already 5:30. I am gonna have to leave soon to get the perfect spot on the route. I have to make sure Santa sees me and I get a lot of candy. I’m fat and just like some women chocolate does make some of the pain go away.
I get a hold of a couple of my friends and tell them to meet me downtown. I leave my house it is a short walk. Maybe 3 blocks. I need the exercise before Tootsie Roll-A-Palooza. We meet in front of a comic book shop. We might be nerds but we are cool nerds damn it. We are talking about our Christmas plans. Brooke is going to see her new boo. Shauna is gonna have a traditional family Christmas. Nick is gonna play guitar and get drunk enough on Vodka to where he might see an elf. I think Nick is winning on the plans so far. Makes we want some Egg Nog. Joe and Crystal show up in this freezing cold and bring us all some Holiday Spiced Hot Chocolates from Sonic. Those things are damn addictive. Crystal asked me “Do you actually felt like being out here tonight?” I responded “Not Really. I may not feel great but I have a reason to be here.” “What’s that?” asked a a puzzled Shauna. “ I am here to ask Santa for my health for Christmas.” I said. They looked at me as if I had just farted in the middle of prayer at church. Joe pipes up and say “Bro, you know Santa is not real right.” I replied “ How do we know that? Yes, we heard our parents tell us that when we were younger. Our parents also told us if we hold our faces in a certain position, it would freeze. If we go outside without a coat, that we would take a cold. How do we know that him not being real wasn’t a lie too. I believe in the Christmas spirit and the miracles of the holidays. Who knows what could happen Christmas morning this year.” Joe starts smiling. “ I have to say, we are here for you. We are gonna make sure you get to talk to the man in the red suit.” he says. The first real smile, I have had this Christmas. We look down the highway to see blue lights. The parade is almost to us. I feel the butterflies.
The cop cars roll by us, followed by Mr and Miss merry Christmas. The local high school band followed them playing Jingle Bell Rock. I knew the night was gonna be even more special. My favorite Christmas song. I see the first float. It’s a church float. A really beautiful Nativity scene. One of the best floats I have seen in any parade. However, no candy. A few more floats, a couple of tractors. Can’t have a parade in a small town without the tractors. Here comes another float. I see people with bags walking next to it. I am about ready to get my first Tootsie Roll of the season. The float slowly eases past us. I don’t even remember what it is. I am going to go out on a limb and say it was a human snow globe. They throw candy in front of us. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I screamed. It was just Dum Dums. I like those little suckers but that is not the second reason I am braving below freezing temperatures. The floats are coming to an end. I am getting a little depressed that I haven’t got a Tootsie Roll yet. We see the fire trucks. Which means SANTA.
The last float before the main event starts creeping our way. Out of the corner of eye, I spot something. There is a tub at the top of this float. What are they throwing off? I see it is……. TOOTSIE ROLLS! The float inches itself into almost perfect position for this kid to throw us some candy. The second biggest moment of the parade for me was about to happen. The kid winds up and there is the pitch. The Tootsie Rolls comes showering down from the heavens. They hit the cold pavement. I start heading toward them when I lock eyes with a 5 year old. He had the look of a bull in a China shop. He starts sprinting toward the candy. I take off just as quickly. I believe during this moment in my friends head that it was happening in slow motion and the song Chariots of Fire is playing. We get to the Tootsie Rolls at the same time. He bends over and BAM!!!!!!! He looks like Verne Troyer getting hit by Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis. I pop up and say, “That how I Tootsie Roll!” I wasn’t a complete asshole. I gave him all the DumDums and Candy Canes I had acquired through the parade. I open the wrapper and the sweet taste of victory melts away all of my fear. Bring on Santa.
The moment has arrived. The fire truck carrying Santa is almost to us. I look down the highway at the people and notice they all had sad faces. You can’t have a sad face when seeing Santa Claus. That is just plain wrong. The fire truck was getting ready to pass us. I look up ready to see the Big man and talk to him. Then, I got the biggest shock of my life. There was a sign on the side of the fire truck that read. Santa couldn’t be here. Instead here is a guy who has played Santa. Tim Allen. No, Santa. I am pissed. No one like Tim Allen! Not even, Tim Allen likes Tim Allen. I may never be able to tell him my wish for Christmas. Sadness starts taking over. My friends tell me, “he knows what you want. He is Santa. He just knows.” “It’s not the same.” I replied. “I just want to tell him in person.” My friends as if I wanted a ride back to my house. I told them no. I just want to keep my mind occupied.
I begin the short journey to my house. As I started heading down the road I noticed the road was blocked by the parade floats. Damn it. How am I supposed to get home now. I have walk down the trail. I start down the cold dark trail. The street lights are going out after I pass them. I am starting to get a little scared. I do know, if I pee myself that its going to freeze in my pants. There is one street light on the trail that has never worked. I have no light at all. I walk under that one light and it comes on. I stop dead in my tracks. I look around trying to find Ashton Kutcher to see if I am getting Punk’d. It’s beginning to snow. I look up to the beautiful flakes falling. There is a red envelope coming down from the sky. I grab it. I am confused as to what is going on. I open it up and begin to read. This is what the letter said.
Sorry, I couldn’t make it tonight. I will make it up to you. See you at the Mall at Turtle Creek at 2:25 P.M. Ho! HO! HO!
I finish reading it. The next thing I know I hear jingle bells above my head. Could it be? I guess I am off to the mall for Christmas Eve Afternoon.
Stay tuned for part 2 and part 3 of A Christmas Wish during The Buzz Kill Blogs 13 days of Christmas.