I finally arrived home. I still can’t believe it. How often in life do you get to meet a celebrity? And that celeb be the one and only Santa Claus. Not some fake Mall Santa. I remember as a kid being told that every mall Santa was one of his helpers. If that is the case I would hate to be Santa’s Tax man.
If you missed part one, A Christmas Wish: Part 1
I rushed straight to the bed room. I thought the sooner I could to sleep the sooner it would be till I can have my encounter. I jump into my footy snowman Christmas Pjs. I hop in bed and tuck myself in. I read the letter one last time before I take the train to sleepy time station. I lay in bed just tossing and turning. I knew I would be to excited to sleep. I keep thinking why does he want to meet with me. Finally, decided screw this. I needed to motivate myself to get out of bed. There is a Gopher setting right next to my bed. The Gopher was a product sold by Billy Mays. It helps old people grab stuff they couldn’t normally get to. In my case, it’s cause I am fat and don’t want to bend over the bed. I grab my pants, eat a Tootsie Roll and finally was able to doze off. A couple of hours later I sat straight up in bed. It dawned on me, I don’t have a way to Jonesboro. SHIT!!! I have to think of who would believe me if I told them I was going to meet Santa. I could call Ben. No, he is going to tell his kids that Santa doesn’t exist. Boy it must suck being wrong. I could call Shauna but She know what I am like in the mall. I embarrass people easily. Who can I call? Ghostbuters. Damn it, mind, this is not the time for a well placed joke. I need someone who isn’t gonna care about my real reason to go to the mall and has never been with me in a mall. Well, that narrows the list down to one. My sister. I get on Facebook. I send her a message. I think I am gonna leave out some parts so she doesn’t think I am crazy. What would be a good excuse? I need to go to Barnes & Noble. No. I don’t read anything unless it has pictures. Bed, Bath & Beyond. I don’t need her thinking I am gay. I got it. I am gonna tell her I need to Christmas shop. How original?! That has to work. I send her a message that I need to go Christmas Shopping around 1:30. That give me plenty of time to be there and talk to the big man. It takes a few minutes, She replies “I guess. I hate this time of the year at the mall but I need to do some shopping myself. I will be there at 10. The kids will be with us to” I can now rest easy. I lay my head back down on the pillow and start dreaming of candy canes and Trees.
I wake up really early. Almost to early. I set my alarm to wake my ass up at 9:45. Yes, I know it only give me 15 minutes to get ready but I do great under pressure. Still kinda freaking out as to what to wear when I meet Santa. I look through my closet throwing shirt after shirt. Does my X-Men shirt make me look to nerdy. I got it. How about a kick ass Christmas Sweater where Rudolph’s nose lights up. Hell Yeah. On a side note, the more horrible the Christmas Sweater the better. After taking about 5 minutes to pick out the pimpin holiday sweater, I pace the floor in anticipation. My biggest pet peeve is waiting on people. I know today, I am gonna be on edge even more than normal. 10 O’Clock comes by and my sister is still not here. Two minutes later the silver chariot pulls in the driveway. Yes, chariots were made by KIA. The car if full. My sister Danielle is in the front driving. We will refer to her as Grinchius Christmashaticus. She hates the holidays. Hence why, I didn’t tell her the actual reason why I wanted to go. In the back seat is my nephew Jackson, (Cue the Road Runner and Wile E Coyote, Graphic Could I be the only person in the car that still believes? My niece Victoria, Basketballer Playercus. She would believe me. She would think it was cool. Right now the only person I can tell the truth to is her. What I wouldn’t give to be young again. Then there is Cody. I have no clue why he is here, but remember those elves that Nick might see after getting Drunk. He would think Cody was one. The 5 of us are on our way to Jonesboro. I want to refer to this trip as Operation Santa’s Sleigh.
After traveling 20 minutes and hearing the same damn Ke$ha song on the radio 3 times, We have made it to Jonesboro. I have this weird feeling that something strange is gonna happen. I have no clue why. It could be the fact that I am having hunger delusions. We have to make a few stops before we can go to the mall. First off, is the wonderful store inside Cracker Barrel. Does anyone actually shop here? I say to Danielle, “You have officially became the old cat lady. Next, you are gonna tell me you are going to Branson to visit Dixie Stampede and The Baldknobbers.” She replies, “Fuck You” and gives me a look that could turn Medusa into a pillar of stone. We are all too familiar with that look. It does explain why Cody hasn’t said a word the whole time. She picks out salt & pepper shakers and stand in line to pay. “Just our luck, we get stuck behind the old man who wants to pay in pennies. I wish he would hurry the shit up! I want to blow up something.”Jackson says very angrily. Victoria just sighs and says “What the crap?!?!” I think this might mess up my visit with the Big Red Man.
While we are waiting in the damn Cracker Barrel, the time had arrived for Santa to take his place in the Mall at Turtle Creek. Santa doesn’t drive his sleigh in the offseason. He likes to drive around a Yukon Denali. He is Santa for Pete’s sake. He arrives in this vehicle that is red and white striped like a candy cane. He brings his top elf. Her name is Christina. They start to the back entrance of the mall. All of a sudden, tires start screech. Santa stops. He turns around to see a 1982 Ford Dually coming up to them and fast. Santa tells Christina to run and get security. She takes off inside to find help. The Truck comes to a sudden halt right in front of him. Santa drops his sacks of toys. Looks up to see a man get out of the passengers side. A middle aged man wearing the same type of sunglasses as John Lennon. He has on a button up shirt and flip flops. He has a rolled up joint behind his ear. He pulls out a guitar case. Santa looks at him and says “Kiss already saved Christmas once, hippie.” The man looks at Santa. He has a very sinister smile on his face. He opens up the guitar case and pulls out a lighter. Removes the joint from his ear. He lights up and says, “ You old Bastard, I have a name. And that name is Shaggy.” Santa replies “ Like in Scooby Doo, Shaggy?” Shaggy with out missing a beat. “No, as in the half ass movie The Shaggy Dog starring Tim Allen.” Santa looks at Shaggy, his rosy red cheeks become a fiery red. Santa comes running toward Shaggy. He pulls his right leg back and boots him right in the Scooby Snacks. Santa looking over Shaggy says. “I guess yours balls wont jingle this Christmas.” The Drivers side door comes flying open. He has long hair and is wearing a Johnny Cash shirt plus a trucker hat. He is carrying a Bud Light in one hand and a loaded weapon in the other. He fires a round in the air. Santa Shits a fruit cake. He hits the floor. The Driver is The Murph. Santa, looks at him with a look of why on his face. Murph, with a gun pointed in his face, says angrily “ If you would have only brought me the Fucking John Wayne Play Gun set when I was 5. None and I mean none of this would have happened.” The Murph dumps out all the toys in the bag. He proceeds to tie up Santa and put him in his own bag. He throws him in the back of The Murph Mobile along with all the toys. He goes to help out his partner in crime. He helps him up, “Never send a stoner do a drunk mans job.” Says the Murph to Shaggy. They drive off heading to the airport with Santa in the back.
Christina arrives with cops and mall security. Nothing puts fear in a gunman more than a nerd on a Segway. No one is there. Christina looks all around for Santa. The cops begin to question everyone in the parking lot. There aren’t any witnesses. She must be thinking it is Blind day at the mall. Chris is in a a huge panic mode. Her phone starts to buzz. It’s a text message from Santa. The Text Says.
There is only one person that can help me. He is supposed to be there at 2:25. You will know him when you see him.
She has to pretend nothing had happened and continue like nothing had happened till 2:25.
Here is a penny for your thoughts, If you are gonna pay in change please go to a bank or this little known machine in Wal- Mart Lobbies called Coinstar. Jesus, this is taking forever. Who wants to be in a Cracker Barrel this long? No one actually goes here do they? Finally, thanks for counting all those pennies and losing count twice. I have had dates that lasted shorter than this. She finally pays for theses Salt & Pepper Shakers. They depict the scene from the awesome Christmas movie White Christmas starring Bing Crosby. It is the part when they start singing the Sisters song. Funny part of the movie, however they make the most hideous Salt & Pepper Shakers ever. Danielle proposes we eat lunch. I start to get upset. “ I guess. We need to go somewhere that is quick and fast.”
We go into the very classy buffet restaurant known as Ryan’s. It is a pretty good deal for 4 adults and a kid. I am thinking we pass off Cody as a kid as well. That idea failed miserably, when he showed the waitress his id. What A Dumbass. The best part of eating at Ryan’s is getting handed a plate and having the mentality of go crazy when deciding to eat. The only other time you can do that in life? Opening presents Christmas morning. We all me back at our table with plates piled so high that it looks like a small mountain range. Victoria finally asks the question, I have been dreading all day. “What are buying in the mall?” I start to think, maybe this is the time I should come clean. I reach in my pocket and grab the note that Santa had left for me the night before. I say “ I have a meeting tin the mall with a certain big man in a red suit.” My sis whips her head around and just looks at me. It’s almost like she has the dick in mouth look. This is when your mouth opens a small amount to where a man’s private part can be inserted. “You are bull shitting me.” She says sternly. “There is no way you actually believe that there is still Santa. Damn Yankee.” Before I could respond a couple of people seemed like they were in a really big hurry to eat and get out. They must have just finished eating, They were flipping tables as they were on their way out. They ran by us, flipping our table I hear a distinct laugh and a We’re sorry. “We have more important places to be.” The only thing I remember about these two fellows is that one had on a Johnny Cash shirt. We have all lost our second plate of food except for Cody. He was still working on his first. He just looks at us and goes “Fuck! Let’s just go see Santa.” The voice of reason is the mute. Makes me believe that God does work in mysterious ways.
The time is now, 2:00. The mall is in my sights. The nerves start creeping up on me again. What am I gonna say? Could Santa give me my health back? This is gonna be soooooo AWEsome. We get out of the car. The doors are right in front of us. We enter the main doors. The first thing in our sights is the giant Santa village. We can see a couple of people working it. There is a lady taking money so kids can get their picture with Santa. I remember being a kid and having a picture made with Santa. I cried for a good straight two hours. Last year when I had my picture made with him, the crying only lasted 10 minutes. I have got better about that. The line is kinda long. Now, I am scared I wont get see him at the time he asked. “I can’t believe that I am standing in line with my 26 year old brother to see Santa. This is wrong on so many levels.” Danielle exclaims. I know she is hating it here but this is gonna be worth it. I respond “ I think you need something salty. Go get a Pretzel and be quiet.” She gives me that look again. A kid in the food court burst into flames. He shouldn’t have been in the direct line of that look. I am in the line by myself. I am next. The clock reads 2:23. Here we go, The kid that went ahead of me started crying. Which means one of two things, He wet himself or it’s my turn.
The clock made a sound when it reached 2:25. I didn’t know regular clocks could chime at different times other than the top of the hour. I walk up to the lady pull out my wallet so I can pay. All of sudden the photographer dressed like an elf comes running up to the line and shoves the lady out of the way. She introduces herself, as Santa’s top elf. The only thing I can think of is I wonder if Elves our single? Whoo Whoo Whoo. This is one hot elf. She slaps me upside the head. “This is not the time to be thinking with your south pole, Richard. You need ot be thinking about helping the North Pole.” I froze up. She had to work for Santa. She knew my name. Christine proceeds to tell me the whole story, Santa had been kidnapped. I said “who would do such a thing and why?” She didn’t know. I asked her “If that is the case, who is the guy sitting in the Santa Chair. She said “ That is some hobo we found somewhere in Minnesota. He kinda just fit the part of makeshift Santa. The only reason he is jolly. We promised him Scratch Off Tickets and MD 20/20. Back to the point at hand. “Santa told me to find you.” I asked her if she got a look at the guys who did this? She said “ Kinda. One was a hippie looking fellow. Really mellow. Surprisingly, Kinda nice. Wanted peace and love The other one was an asshole. He wanted to shoot everything up and drink beer.” I respond, “Did Santa get kidnapped by Laurel and Hardy. This premise sounds straight out of an 80s sitcom.” Chris says, “I know there names. They are named Shaggy and the Murph. The only thing I really really remember is that he was wearing a Johnny Cash T-shirt.” I replied “ We just had a run in with a guy at lunch who knocked over our table wearing a Johnny Cash shirt. It had to be the same guy.” She looks at me says,”You are the only person that could save Christmas and Santa. There is no way that we can disappoint every boy and girl in the world.” I just look her. I scream “Let’s save Christmas and find Santa.”
The fate of Christmas lies on my shoulders. This is gonna take a lot of people. I am calling the troops in on this one.
Do not miss part 3 of A Christmas Wish, It will be posted on Christmas Day.