If you missed part one of A Christmas Wish, Click HERE
And just cause you missed part one, it makes me believe you missed PART 2
I can’t believe that I was asked to save the big man. Chris asked me where my family was? “I have no damn clue. I embarrass them to much.” I see them out of the corner of the corner of my sitting in the food court. Did my sister actually listen to me? She is sitting there eating an Auntie Annie Pretzel. I make a B-Line right for her. As she reaches down for the pretzel, I take it from right in front of her and throw the thing half way across the mall. “There is no pretzel eating in trying to save Santa.” She was pissed to say the least. “You told me to go eat a pretzel. I go eat a pretzel and I can’t now. What in the hell is wrong with you?” “Plenty! That doesn’t help us find Santa. Now does it?” She responds with “No but….” “See, let us get our asses in gear and save this Christmas” Christine looks at us and shakes her head. I mean were siblings and siblings argue. Maybe us more than any. We are just catching up for lost time. Christine says “We need to get a move on our we aren’t gonna make it. Richard, I want you think very hard about who you want to be on your team to hand out presents and who you are sending to find Santa.” “I can do that.” I say. I begin to think really hard. My face is priceless. I really hope this isn’t my O-face. If it is, I will never get laid again. New thought, I really hope I don’t poop my sel….Wait never mind, I just felt a little pellet. Fuck. Chris just started laughing. I think she is reading my thoughts. It is really scary to know that an elf you find attractive knows you pooped yourself.
Victoria asks, “How are wen gonna get there when we don’t have a plane or a Santa’s sleigh.” Chris looks at her. She says “It’s easy.” All of a sudden the ground started to shake beneath us. Everything is turning to white and moving really fast. What in the hell is this? I feel like I am in an anime cartoon. All we can see is white. A giant bang and flash happened. The next thing I know, I have woke up next to Dr. Scott, Brad And Janet wearing women’s lingerie. I look over at Christine. She just looks at me. I look at everyone else. I look back at Christine.
“Chris, I think you took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.” She has a brief moment of confusion. She checks her North Pole G.P.S tracking system. “I am sorry guys. I forgot that this thing doesn’t have back roads programmed in. Oh and Richard, nice legs.” I think this elf knows how to make a girl blush. She snaps her fingers again. The ground begins to shake again. This might be one hell of a weight loss tool. Everything is turning white again. I am not used to this. I know what the inside of a pillow feels like. A giant jingle bell rings. POOF.
We are in a room. There are monitors lining the walls. There has to be a billion monitors. Each monitor has a feed to every kid in the world. This is an amazing set up and a little creepy at the same time. I mean who can watch all these monitor. Chris, said “ A Man will be in here to brief you about the whereabouts of The Murph and Shaggy.” She then turned to me, “ You will have the special mission.” And in a blink of the eye, she was gone. I am stuck in a room that we have no idea where it is. I am also with my family. That makes it a little scary. “When in the fuck am I gonna get to shoot something?” says Jackson. I wish I had answer for that question. But I am getting panicky as fuck. I want to know what is going on. I want some answers and I want them now.
A bunch of fog starts spilling into the room. A 3 foot doors begins to open. I swear this is getting weirder by the second. A shadowy figure makes its way through the door. Victoria runs over to her mom screaming hold me. Jackson has went to ninja killing pose 11. I begin to curl up in a ball screaming the song Jesus Loves Me. This little shadowy figure begins to walk to us. He is only 3 feet tall. I am not that scared anymore. Wait a minute. The close he gets the taller he is getting. 4 feet tall. Not as nice as knowing you can beat up a 3 foot man unless you are the Murph. 5 Foot tall, Ok, this is getting a little bit more mortified. 6 foot tall. Hell no. 7 foot tall. Ok, Fuck this. I am out. He is standing right in front of us. “I am here to debrief you as to the last location of The Murph And Shaggy. I am head of the North Pole Safety and Security team. My name is Ben. I am not an elf, I was given this position after working on the floor.” First of all, awesome Big Ben. Thank you for not eating us.” I said to him. “We can’t do this just the four of us. We are gonna need more help.” Ben says in a stern voice, “That is why you were hand picked by Santa to be the leader of this rescue. Remember when you thought long and hard. You thought of the your team, Chris and the fact you pooped a little.
“Yes I do. Did you have to say the fact I pooped a little?”
“That would explain the smell during the time travel.” said Cody.
“I didn’t even know you were even still here Cody and Fuck you. Oh by the way, Barry says hi.”
“Quit fighting or I am gonna turn you both into Barry’s man bitches.” says a pissed off Ben. “I have brought everyone you have thought of to help with this mission. We believe The Murph and Shaggy have taken Santa to the Island of Misfit Christmas Wishes. Many of you don’t know where that is. It is off the coast of the state of Alabama.”
“That explains a whole hell of a lot.” says Danielle “Bad things are always associated with Alabama.”
“The island is divided into 6 sections. Section 1 is called, Candy Cane Lane. That section will be covered by, Joe and Crystal.”
Joe and Crystal magically appear behind me. “Where are we says Crystal? Oh, Hi Richard”
I wave to them. I need to be warned before this ass poofs someone in behind me. I just kinda peed a little. I have shit and peed my pants in the same damn day.
“Section 2 is called Fruit Cake Mall. That section is gonna be covered by Shauna And Brooke.”
A flash of lightning and there they were.
“Ben, you have to stop doing that. That is really fucking annoying.” I say.
“ Man up Nancy. It’s gonna happen every time someone is brought into this room. Grow up or I am gonna tell then what you used to do alone in your mom’s room.”
“ I will be quiet now.” I responded.
“ Section 3 is called Egg Nog Splendor. This section is gonna be gone through with a fine tooth comb by Brianna and Nick.”
Guess what, there was flash and they were there. I am thinking this might be how The big Bag Theory happened.
‘Section 4 is called Sugar Cookie Palooza. That will be covered by Victoria and Bridget.”
And Flash blah blah blah. Hello Bridget. This is starting to get predictable.
“Section 5 is called Silent Night. Jackson and Cody, this section is for you guys.”
Holy Shit. Finally a team with both people here. No flash of light. No getting scared. It’s like Christmas.
“The Final Section, is called White Christmas beach. This is where they will most likely be. It also is the furthest to get to. I have chose Danielle, and this person.”
The door begins to part. We are looking at each other, like what the fuck. Brick House starts playing over the speakers. Are we about to get funky? In walks a white woman with a Black Spandex suit. Funny thing is she actually fit through the door. On the front of the suit is a white hair pick. I think the head of security found a superhero, instead it’s Danielle’s mom.
“If am gonna save someone, I am gonna be dressed like a Super Hero. I call my self The Anglo Fro.”
Danielle channels her inner Rock and raises her one eyebrow and just shakes her head.
“You are now ready to be sent to each of your sections.” Ben says.
He snaps his fingers, the giant flash of light happens again. Fuck that shit. I am sick of that damn light. The next thing I know, I am in this room by myself except for White Shaq. If he tells me I have a pretty mouth and hear banjos. I am gonna click my heels together three times and wish I was at home.
“The time has come to tell you what you are gonna be doing and who your partner is.” Ben says
A spot light comes down on the door. Holy Shit, is this the music off Jock Jams Vol. 2. This brings back some of my youth. A man walks through the door. It could be Gerard Butler from the movie 300. Sly Stallone from Rocky, Maybe even Jason Bourne. I look up. Oh it’s just Justin. That works for me. If anyone is gonna be able to bail me out of a sticky situation, it’s Justin.
“The two of you will be delivering presents to all the boys and girls so that this Christmas isn’t ruined. You will be sent out to the workshop to meet the elves and meet with Christine to get your coordinates. I will self destruct in 5…. 4….3…2…1”
“Time out” Says Justin. “Look you are not gonna explode. You might fart and that is all.”
A giant burst of red light came out of nowhere. We were transported to the workshop doors. I wonder what is through these big Green and Red doors.
The Murph and Shaggy are sitting on the beach in section 7. Shaggy is smoking a fat blunt. The Murph is drinking a Red Stripe. One, they don’t have Bud Light on this island. Two, the other thing is that every time he orders one, he shouts Hooray Beer! They are wondering what they can actually do with Santa. Shaggy wants to get him high and discuss the universe. The Murph wants to throw him on a fire and see if the legends are true. He wonders if Santa will bust into Confetti.
Joe and Crystal have come to the entrance of Candy Cane Lane. On one side of the street is toy stores. On the other is candy stores. Joe asks crys, “Where do we begin?” Crystal suggested they split up. Joe go in the toy stores and she would go to the candy stores. Joe’s goes into the first toy store. Inside the store was nothing but football toys and games. He found the Arkansas Razorbacks section. I think I might have lost Joe in the search. It’s not a big deal. He was thinking of child. So selfish. Crystal went into the first candy store. She was done. Who in the hell thought it was good idea to send the girl in an all chocolate store. We have lost one group. Hopefully, the others can tract them down.
Justin and I push against the big doors. They swing open to reveal Santa’s workshop. It is amazing. We are met by an elf. Her name was Tonya, she was showing us around to each station and who made the toys. Our first stop the stuffed animal section. She introduces us to Michelle and Tara. I don’t know what is going on so far but Santa has an all female work staff. They show how each animal is made. It’s like Build-A-Bear on steroids. Tara said “Each animal is made with love.” I reply, “Love must run very quick around here.” Tonya tells us we are in a hurry and you need to meet everyone and fast if you are gonna make the big run tonight. We move on to wind up toys. Justin and I at the same time say “ I didn’t know they even still made wind up toys.” We meet the next two elves. Their names are Katie and Trena. Two more female elves. I am really liking it here. There is women everywhere here. If I could have any thought of what heaven actually is. This is it. Tonya tells us to stop flirting. I say to Justin, “I think we might have to come up here and visit, when there is less stress.” We move on the the electronics station. I am starting like this. More female elves. This station has four very beautiful female elves. Their names are Laura, Amee, Brianne, and Megan. Justin isn’t thinking with his mind right now. He is thinking with his dick. I am starting to think with mine. Justin says to me, “ I have to go to the bathroom. I can’t be around this many women without doing a nervous shit.” I know we have more important things to do but damn it. They told me I need to have a best friend in this group. If any electronics don’t work, we have to fly it back and make sure it gets fixed. Fuck. This is way to much responsibility. Tonya tells us that there is only one elf left to meet. The one who is in charge of all the financial and law. Her name is Jill. She introduces us. Justin is tongue tied. I am tongue tied. I never knew elves could be so sexy. I think I am all sex nuts and retard strong.
“The sleigh is ready to go.” says Tonya. “Christine will be going with you guys to make sure everything goes ok.”
Tonya heads back inside and leaves us to wait for Christine.
Meanwhile, Shauna and Brooke have started their search in the Fruit cake Mall. The are walking next to a fountain. The Murph and Shaggy have caught wind of the fact the search has been narrowed down to this island. One of the worst things to do is be in a mall with me. I am a little crazier than normal. They knew this fact. In Ryan’s The Murph must have grabbed a strand hair of when running by me. They used the DNA in the hair to make 300 clones of myself. Each clone can only live for an hour. Shauna and Brooke are going through the mall like nothing is going on. All of sudden they hear all the doors in the mall lock at once. The hear a weird laugh and someone scream send in the clones. An Army of Richard’s are heading right toward Shauna and Brooke. All the clones stop in one spot. 300 mes start into singing, Party in The U.S.A by Miley Cyrus. This has to be the worst flash mob in the world. Shauna and Brooke, can’t get out of the circle of Richard’s in the Fruit Cake Mall. We have lost two more soldiers.
The sleigh is ready to rock and roll. I am like a cooler version of Paul Revere. I think I might yell the British are Coming somewhere over Boston. The reaction could be priceless. Christine joins us. “Guys, If you are gonna be Santa, you have to dress the part. Put on the suit. Who knows you might look cute!” She got my ego boosted. That is all we really needed is a bigger ego before the night begins. I put on the suit. I come out of the changing room. Chris looks at me. “ You might be the sexiest Santa in the history of man.” This elf knows how to make a girl blush. Justin throws up a little in his mouth. I get behind the reins. I am in the front with the lovely Christine and Justin is in the back wearing a Nerf protection suit.
“Now on Dancer, and prancer, and Comet and Cupid, Donner and Blitzen, Rudolph with your nose so bright wont you guide my sleigh to night.” I say to get the take off right. We go from 0- to mach 2 in a flash. I should have had all that food from Ryan’s. We are off and away.
Nick and Brianna are in Egg Nog Splendor. This is where, I would have love to went if I had to visit any of the sections. This is like walking into Willy Wonka. Two Differences, Booze and no short people who sing. Nick and Bri got to every bar looking for The Murph since he loves to drink. Club after club, bar after bar no luck. The last bar they went to. The bar tender remembers the Murph. He tells them that there was a guy with him, that looked like Woodstock threw up. Nick and Bri knew it was Shaggy. They are in the right direction. What they didn’t know? Is that the Murph and Shaggy paid off the bartender to get them really drunk. The bar keeps giving Bri and Nick Screwdriver after Screwdriver.
One problem with this liquor, it was absinthe. That shit will make hallucinate. Nick and Bri were standing in a corner talking to what they thought was an elf. It was just a statue of Mr. Peanut. We have lost another two. This is getting bad.
Chris told us that we don’t have to go down many chimneys. The only houses we need to worry about are apartments. All We have to do is just drop the presents from the sleigh. This isn’t that bad. I am getting used to this. Justin has to poop. We are going to have to make a small bathroom stop. We are somewhere over the middle of Nebraska. We are gonna stop at a truck stop. This is gonna look weird to have a sleigh parked in the lot next to a damn Peterbuilt. I walk in with Justin. Chris stays out in the sleigh. I ask Justin if I should go flirt with her. Justin told me, “I will take an extra long shit just for you man.” Justin goes into the Men’s W/C. I bought Chris and myself some hot chocolate. I go back outside. I sit down next to her. I start a small conversation. I ask her if she is single. She said, “Yes, I am. Richard, why do you ask?”
“Cause I think you are one of the prettiest women I have ever met.”
She blushed. “aww. Thank you. You are very cute yourself.”
Justin came back out from making his nightly poo. He also just fucking cock blocked me. What an ass!
In Sugar Cookie Palooza, Bridget and Victoria are searching for Santa with no luck at all. Every House is made with cookies. Victoria’s eyes lighten up like the tree in my living room. Victoria literally started eating people home. Who doesn’t love cookies? The people who owned these homes were not at home until each Sugar Cookie Home Owner was called by a drunk man and a stoner. Shaggy and The Murph were laughing in the Murph Mobile after making that call. The people who lived in the house came back to find her eating their front door. Victoria and Bridget take off running. The homeowners mob come running after them carrying a bowl and a mixing pan. Finally they ran out of gas. They were finally caught by the cookie owners. They are gonna be forced to make a new cookie parts to the house. We have lost out section 4 people!
Jackson and Cody are walking through Section 5. They are to confused as to why there is nothing in this section. The only thing here is a supermarket, a theme park and graveyard. Jackson wanted to go through the graveyard. Cody, wrote up some thought bubbles cause he didn’t want to talk since Jackson kept making fun of him. They are reading the names on the graves. Its all the character of the classic Christmas movies. They both think it’s weird seeing the graves of Character’s like Frosty the Snowman, George Bailey, Charlie Brown. Placed on his grave was a football. Jackson picks it up. He tells Cody he should try to kick it. Jackson puts the ball on the ground. Cody jogs back. The ball is set Cody comes running. THUMP!! Jackson pulls up the football and Cody goes flying like Lucy in the cartoon. Cody pulls out a piece of paper that has a thought bubble on it. It says F*ckin A$#Hole. In the back ground, a truck comes flying up. It’s The Murph and Shaggy. They start running towards them yelling give us back Santa. Shaggy pulls out a glowing vile. He throws straight up in the air Murph and Shaggy jump back in the truck and speed off. A Giant glow comes streaking trough the air. Jackson yells “What the Fuck was that? It was like the jizz of one of the X-Men.” The graves started shooting up into the air. Right where was Jackson was standing the hand of Charlie Brown comes up out of the grave and grabs his leg. Jackson looks at Cody and begins to smile. “Cody, it’s the moment we have always waited for. It’s the Zombie Apocalypse.” Cody uses a thought bubble that says Hell to the Fucking yeah. All the old Christmas characters are coming out of the ground. Charlie Brown, Frosty the Snowman and Virginia from Miracle on 34th Street. They pull out their Zombie Killing weapons. Cody has a Pizza cutter and Jackson has a butane Lighter and a can of cheap hairspray. Cody cuts off the head of a zombie Charlie Brown. He looks down at the even deader Zombie. Cody says, “Your just a chip off the ole block.” Jackson lights the Butane lighter and make a makeshift torch. He melts a dead Frosty. Jackson says “Thumpity Thump Thump, Look at Frosty die.” they are gonna have to fight off the Zombie their self. We are just down to two people to try to stop The Murph And Shaggy.
We only have a few houses left to deliver at. This has went as smoothly as possible except the fact of Justin taking a massive shit every few hours. I can’t believe all this happening just because I wanted to meet Santa and ask for my health. I have made a lot of kids very happy tonight. I hope maybe a certain elf will return the favor for me tonight. We are flying over last house in all the countries in the world except one place. The only place we haven’t delivered is The Island Of Misfit Christmas Wishes. Maybe, just maybe if we fly overhead we can spot The Murph and Shaggy.
The Anglo Fro and Danielle are trying to figure out a way to get closer to the White Christmas Beach. Danielle is ashamed that her mom is dressed like a rejected Super hero. She is thinking she can;t go anywhere with her looking like this. What would be a great way to make her blend in? A voice in the background yells “ White Christmas Beach Tours leaving right now!” Danielle grabs her the Anglo Fro by the arm. Come with me we are getting on that bus. The get on the double decker bus. The tour guide says “Please take you seats.” They aren’t two seats together. Danielle tells the Super Hero In Training to go sit by the group of Asian tourists. Danielle finds a seat that is next to this guy.
The Murph and Shaggy are sitting at their beach house. The Murph of course is drinking his weight in beer. Shaggy is token it up bong style. They are threatening Santa with a hand gun and the hot bong glass. Santa is tied up on the toilet. He keeps shouting at them. “fbiawipjfbikjaefbasikgfKJVBfAJBFpjasBgpbjfpsjbgvpbj” I am not sure what that means either he is gagged. They think there is only 5 teams to stop them. What the two of them haven’t counted on, was the Anglo Fro and Danielle.
The Asian tourists ask The Anglo Fro if they can take pictures with her. They have never seen a real life American Super Hero before. Good hing they don’t know any better. The guy sitting next to Danielle has started a conversation about all his vacations. “This one time, on this one island, I met this one girl, we went swimming.” Danielle is doing the head nodding thing. She is trying to be polite. “What brings you to White Christmas Beach?” he asks. Danielle replies “ If I tell you, I would have to kill you.” “That reminds me of this one on this island far far away fro here.”he says. “ I walked down on the beach and there was a cat sitting in a chair with sunscreen on his nose.” Danielle is getting more and more annoyed by the second. He keeps going on and on. Story after story. The bus comes to a stop in front of the hotel on White Christmas Beach. He keeps talking to her after they get off the bus. She tries to walk away but he keeps following her like a lost puppy. “This one time at a drive in on an island.” Danielle has had enough. She picks him up WWE style. Gets him over her head and throws him a good 30 yards. The Asians come running up to her wanting pics. The think she is the Incredible Hulk. I bet the Arizona Cardinals are jealous of that arm.
We are flying over the island. We can not land on the island or bad things will happen to Santa’s reindeer. The Murph would shoot them and use their skins to keep warm while eating reindeer jerky. We can’t lose them. We see the Murph Mobile from the sky. It is in the middle of Butt Fuck Egypt. The only way for them to get there would be to have some wheels. I call up Danielle and the Anglo Fro. We give them their exact location.
“We will need a vehicle to get out there” Danielle says.
I turn to Chris. She looks at me. She knew what I was thinking. We dropped the biggest present of the evening.
The Anglo Fro opens the big gift to find a 1995 Pontiac Fire Bird in red. The hood an awesome ornament. It was a hair pick. The Fro Mo is what she is gonna call it. The Anglo Fro gets into the front seat. She honks to get Danielle away from the tourists. She comes over and see the car.
“How in the fuck is my fat ass supposed to fit in that little car” Says Danielle. She is getting in the car. Its so low to the ground. They take off for the beach house. They pull up. The Anglo Fro gets out of the car smoking a Misty Light. Danielle gets out of the car. She looks up at us watching over head. We can hear her yell fuck you from the sky. That is fucking impressive. The Murph and Shaggy hear this. They jump up run outside. They see who it is
“They sent an old woman and a fat ass to stop us.” Says The Murph.
“Excuse me! You can shut the hell up you skinny little fucker.” Danielle exclaimed
“I don’t have all day doll face” says the Murph
The Anglo Fro looks at them. “You need to give up or you are gonna piss me off.”
Shaggy puts down his gun. “I am done. Fuck This. I just wanted to smoke a joint with Santa. It was on my hippie Style bucket list.”
“Fuck you Pussy, I am going down with a blaze of glory.”
I call Danielle. You have to out smart The Murph. It’s not that hard. Tell him they serve Bud Light in jail.
Danielle takes my advice. She tells them they serve Bud Light in jail. Before he was finished The Murph moved so fast, he was already in the cop car and half way to prison. The Anglo Fro runs inside to untie Santa. They start gazing at each other. It is a very awkward moment of silence. Santa tells her that she looks amazing in the Super Hero costume. She whispers in his ear “ Come Stuff my Stocking Santa.” Danielle walks inside the house. She is to only be scared by the sight of Her Mom kissing and doing other things to Santa. Thank god I was in the air and couldn’t see that.
Christine snapped her finger and everybody sent my team back home including Justin.
“Do you want to go back to the North Pole?” She says
“ I would love to.” I said.
We fly the sleigh back to the North pole and park it after this really long night. We go to sit on a bench out side to watch the sunrise. I put my arm around her.
“Thank you for choosing me to save Christmas. I may not have got my wish but I loved it just as well.” I say to her
“It will be ok, Richard. I promise.” She leans into kiss me. I start hearing a beeping noise. It just keeps getting louder and louder. I close my eyes.Our lips begin to touch. We slowly pull away from each other.
When I open my eyes, I am back in the bedroom. This couldn’t be a dream, could it? What day is it? I grab my laptop to check the time and the date. It’s Christmas morning. I have slept this long. Holy Shit. I must have not been feeling well at all. That was a long dream. I walk out in to the living room. The tree is up and there is only one present under there. It’s an envelope. I go over to look at it. It has my name on it. I remove the sticker that was holding it closed. I open it open up and begin to read.
Thank you for everything and you can see Chris anytime.
HO HO HO Merry Christmas
It was real!!!! The whole thing was real!. I may have not received what I truly didn’t want, I got more. I was able to smile. And that made it the perfect Christmas.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from all of us here at The Buzz Kill Blog