Liquor. A substance that can make a person feel different. When we have liquor in our bodies, it can make us become overly emotional. It can make us cry and tell our life story to a potted plant. Liquor can make us become very violent and angry. I fought the wall and wall whooped my ass like a dominatrix. It can make some of us the life of the party. We will be dancing around the place with a beer box on our head pretending we are a Jedi. However, for The Murph liquor is not something you drink, it is a way of life. I invite you to take a peak into ( cue Dramatic music here) The Drunk Files. The Drunk Files is about the crazy adventures of one fun loving beer drinker. This folder pulled from the files is entitled: A Shockingly Good Time.
I used to work for a friend of mine. We would chauffeur famous people, politicians, and prom dates any where they wanted to go. Every week we would sit around, and the two of us would together would keep Anheuser Busch in business for the next 23 years. We were plastered. Then all of a sudden the little red phone started to light up and ring. Ok, It wasn’t a red phone but at that time everything I was looking at, looked like something out of the Batman tv show with Adam West. We picked it up. It was a high end political figure. (For purposes of protection, we will change his name to B.C.) B.C. Was wondering if we could pick him at his hotel room and take two hours to Memphis to see some strippers. Fucking right, we would because that is how I roll. My friend and I were so drunk we decided that we would take turn driving.
We pull up to his hotel. BC comes walking out of the lobby door with a woman on each arm and a beer in both hands. This man is now my role model in life. He looks at us and asks, “Is there enough room for hoes back here too?” “Why hell yes!” I say hoping he lets me in on his cornucopia of poon. These were some of the trashiest women you have ever laid eyes on. They were my kind of women. Let the two hour drive begin.
My friend and I are sitting in the front while BC is getting his groove on. We are having a a truly great debate over who was better in bed. Blondes or Brunettes. He was for brunettes. I was for blondes. Two hours and a lot of screaming from the back. He saw that I was right. We arrived at the strip club. (protection purposes we can not give the name of the strip club. We will call it The Boobie Bungalow.) We get out of the limo. I get on one side, my friend gets on the other. We open the doors at the same time. A cloud of smoke comes billowing out of the limo. I thought for a second, I was gonna get to meet Scooby Doo and Shaggy or maybe Snoop Dogg. One hooker comes from the smoke. Her hair is messed up. She is taking the walk of shame into a strip club. Seriously where did he find these women cause I want one. The other skank gets out the other side. Then out came, BC. He invites us into the strip club with him. He tells us that everything is on him. I look at my friend and say LET’S ASSCLOWN IT UP!!!!
One thing we are supposed to carry is a weapon. My friend carries a can of mace. I carry with me a taser. This is for protection for our clients. Well, we forgot about having them when we walked up to the bouncer. He tells us that we can’t take them in. My friend puts his can of mace under his seat. I throw the taser in my seat. I am ready to see boobies and get my Bud Light on. We hurry up to the front door. We walk in the door at the same time. The stripper on the main stage is dancing to Funkytown. Did you know there are a few things that you could do with a heel of a gogo boot? I don’t think a normal girl could do those things. This is the reason I support single moms.
BC invites us to a private room. It’s us and his women folk. 5 strippers walk in. I don’t remember their names. If you need to know them, make them up yourself. What is this? Holy shit. Lesbian action. The trashy women quota might make my head explode. I order a Bud Light and then another and another. I know anything is possible with a Bud Light in my hand. I am gonna get all these stripper to come back with us for the evening. I am drunker than Cooter Brown. (A Note from Richard: Who in the hell is Cooter Brown and why are we drunker than him?) I convince the strippers to join BC and us. This is going to be the best night of my life. Two of them said they off work and we can start doing what ever we want with them. We start making out. The stripper I am making out was dressed like Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island. She whispers in my ear. “I want to make love to me.” I am gonna get laid. Nothing says love more like some Cocoa Butter and Butt Sex.
The DJ comes on the PA system and says the Bungalow is closing. We start to stagger to the limo. Everyone of us, is making Charlie Sheen look like a light weight. I yell as we are leaving “I am leaving The Bungalow.” I get a chuckle from my stripper date. That is right, I am about to have sex with a stripper. Fucking be jealous.
We let BC and the girls into the back. My friend and I are going to find a hotel so we can get some BOOOOOOOTAYYYYY. I open up the passenger side door. I sat down. Now, before I continue, I don’t recommend anyone doing this. I am a professional drunk. If you were paying attention. You know, I put my taser in my seat. I sat down on it. I must have hit the button just right. The thing goes off and shocks my ass. I fly up. I hit the ceiling. I come back down. Guess, what I land on again. That is right, another electrical charge in my skinny little ass. I hit the roof again and land on the taser again,. This goes on for 10 minutes. I keep going up and down. I look like a Doughnut in some coffee. Finally my friend grabs the taser out of my seat. I am passed out.
When I woke up, there were no girls. I was back at home. Just a note taped to my forehead. Good thing you wore brown underwear. You couldn’t tell you shit your self but it was an awful smell. You are now going to be carrying around the mace. Love you friend. PS The Stripper 4 was more magical than Disneyworld. The moral of this story, Politicians are all liars and wear brown underwear.

If you are interested in checking out the first two Drunk Files. Click here for the first one and click here for the second installment of the Drunk Files.