Do you think The Beverly Hillbillies had problems in big towns before their move to LA?How awkward is it for someone to go into the big city unprepared. This is what happened to me last weekend. I have been missing the big city horribly. I have tried to adapt my ways to lifestyle of small town Arkansas. I have been drinking more sweet tea that would cause a diabetic to go into a coma. Be proud of me, cornbread is not just a side bread but its own food group. Well, last weekend I got the opportunity to go to a place that I feel comfortable in. A bigger city. Bright lights, beer that isn’t Bud Light or Nattie Light. I am off to Little Rock. My sister was having a conference, so I am on my own in downtown Little Rock. I got myself into a couple of sticky situations. These are my adventures.
I am a huge art buff. I love getting the chance to go stare at a painting that looks like a 3 year old did and talk about how much suffering the artist has in their life. I walked around the Arkansas Arts Center looking at some of their wonderful paintings. I did learn something that day. Did you know that you are not allowed to take pics of the art work? Well, I didn’t and the guard told me that what I did was wrong. I continued looking at the art work and I am of course a little depressed cause I can’t have a picture of the monkey wearing a pineapple painting. I turn the corner and guess who is there, You guessed it, Paul Blart. If I didn’t know any better, I think the old man is following me now. After I talk about how the artists that made the painting in this room hated cheese and wished they got better Christmas gifts, I move the tour on. I go in the next room. Jesus, I feel like I am one of The Beatles for the way this guy is following me around. I finally finish my tour of the awesome art. I go in the gift shop cause I decide to eat some lunch at the restaurant inside the gallery. (Cheap Plug in 3…2…1… Best Impressions is inside the Arkansas Arts Center, some of the best food I have had in a very long long time. This place has a very comfy atmosphere, next time you are in Little Rock go eat lunch there. You will not be disappointed. Tell them The Buzz Kill Blog sent you.) I am enjoying my lunch drinking a glass of regular sweet tea. I look through the window of the gift shop. Do I look like Charlie Sheen? The security guard is watching me eat a little. I am a little freaked out and yet flattered at the same time. What a weird way to start this day.
I am on my way back to hotel, everything was within blocks of our hotel. It was kinda nice. I am walking when far far in the distance, I see signs. Not the crappy movie with Mel Gibson, but picket signs. I have a bad feeling that this is the Westboro Baptist Church but in the back of my mind I am thinking I am gonna get to mess with them. It wasn’t them. A group of young people were walking from the capital do show their support for pro choice. I don’t get into politics much just as a life rule. I have my opinions and don’t mind sharing them as long as it doesn’t turn into a shouting match and a lot of cursing. I respect anyone who will state their opinion and do it in the right way even if I agree or not. These young adults were doing it the right way. However, that doesn’t make it any easier for me not to say something assy. I noticed that a lot of the people had their mouth taped shut. I can’t pass this up. As we meet at a cross walk. I said in a way that most of the group could hear me. “I didn’t realize you guys were into bondage like myself.” After I made that wonderful off the record statement. I just smiled and nodded at the leader who was in the back with a megaphone. She laughed. No ill feeling between any of us. Just a joke in a serious time.
I have finally made back to my hotel room for what I have deemed the next few hours, Nap-a-palooza, I am going to be getting some rest as my sister head off to her conference dinner and silent auction. The time is 8:47 P.M. Central Standard time. My phone starts playing Zydeco Music. That can only mean one of two things, It’s Mardi Gras or my sister is calling. No boobs, in sight but my own so it is my sister. She asks me what I was doing. I told her nothing but secretly I was looking for hookers on Craigslist. Shhhhhhh don’t tell her. She wants me to get down to the place where her dinner was and bring her checkbook. She thought her checkbook was in the room. It wasn’t. It was in her car but I had to run down there anyway. I get dressed in less than 5 minutes. I leave the hotel room. Oh shit as the door closes. My hair must look like shit. I get to the elevator. Our elevator had 360 degree mirrors. I am gonna look good for this jog in downtown Little Rock on a Saturday night. I make the turn. I see Wendy’s and a Backyard Burger. I am almost there. I had to come to a cross walk that wasn’t flashing walk. I am stopped dead in my tracks. I don’t want to jaywalk because knowing my luck, I would get a ticket. Let me set this up for you, a car with tinted windows can only mean one thing since we were so close to the capital. Drug Dealer or Politician. A Car pulls up next to the curb I am standing at with tinted windows. My butthole puckered. I looked to see a man and woman looking at me. They ask me how much for a good time? What the hell!? I am not my mother. I looked at them with a straight face and said 45 dollars and a pack of snack cakes. They converse. We have the money but not the snack cakes. I was pissed and said no deal. What is this world coming to? You should always carry snack cakes. Cheap mother fuckers. I arrive at my destination and the rest is history. I did realize that my going rate however is Devil Squares.
Life in a big city! There is never a dull moment.

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