Why does this dating thing have to be so damn difficult. I mean seriously can I just buy me a nice woman off the wonderful site of Ebay. Here is a question have you ever just looked at a girl with those eyes and they just melt a little. I did that with the last girl, and she got defensive. All she kept doing was asking me what I wanted. Honestly that look can only mean two thing in the mind of the red blooded male. One, that he feels that he is the luckiest man in the world or secondly, he wants to get your pants or for you religious woman, up your skirt. I decided that I needed to give some more unwritten rules to the world of dating. So that way you don’t end up being a lonely sitting on a couch writing a blog. Take these rules to heart cause someday in this crazy world of dating there will be a pop quiz.
Rule 453: Getting to know someone is one of the hardest things about dating hand down. It’s a tad bit tougher when you are trying to meet women on the interwebs. How difficult is it to just get to know someone a little better. However, during your first phone call which last an hour or so depending on who is the most long winded. She decides to tell you that she is in love with you within an hour of talking. If you tell someone you love them with in two minutes of your first phone conversation here is what you need to do. Start blowing in the phone and pretending that you are in a giant wind storm. or while on the call drive to western Kansas and hope there is a thunderstorm that will take you to the land of OZ where single people aren’t freaking crazy. If you can make it to Kansas the hang up button is now your best friend. Simply put on this rule, If they say I love you within an hour, run to the Hills.
Rule 9: The first date is always the most difficult. So on a first a date if the girl brings a black a bag and calls it her fun bag, you should be worried. Damn, do I mean worried. we go back to her house for a night of what I like to call, The Night I Could Pee The Bed again. I am the first to admit it. I am a very very kinky bastard. I am pretty much up for anything. Just don’t put liquor in front of me or it could be worse. She says the things that will get me in the bed quicker than anything. Do you like Taco Bell? I might be kinky but I am so easy to please. We get it on. Kinda weird but the thought of taco gets me all sex nuts and retard strong. However, right after we finished, she looked at me and asked me if I wanna get kinky. I asked “how kinky?” She walks into the room with the black fun bag. She pulls out two adult diapers. I knew one of those was for her but who was the second one for? She hands it to me. The only thing going through my head was damn I am going to make one hairy baby. Not only does she want me to be her baby but she wants me to be her adult baby girl. I can crossdress hence yesterdays retro music video but the two of them together is so not right. The moral to this rule when dating someone make sure the only type of baby you are them is their emotional baby.
Rule 37: This one didn’t happen to me but it’s a good rule never the less. A friend of mine got a text at one in the morning. It’s a quarter after one and they are all alone that need some booty now. He is completely drunk off his ass when he shows up to her house and he is holding a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritios and a thing of Tostitos cheese dip. Kinda redundant to each that much cheese. I am thinking one horrible case of constipation. She gets all ready for her night of love making. She shaves her chewbacca esque legs. The guy demands that he eat his food first before they make sweet passionate love. I just vomited in my mouth a little writing that. She turns on the tv show that would put him in the mood the most. Do you really want to know? Nothing gets someone going quicker than Family Guy. she tells him that she is going back to her room to be waiting for him. As he is eating his bag of doritios, the only thing running through her head is the wondering if he will wash is hands first. She thinks he will have the common decency to do that. Well, the bag is the trash and he makes his way back to the room where the magic happens. He gets in bed with her and realizes that he hasn’t washed his hands. There is the smell of sex and nacho cheese doritios filling the room. She wakes up to the horror of cheese finger lines, running down the walls, all over her bed sheets, her pillows. Dorothy could have followed the streaks of cheesy yellow to see the damn wizard. The rule to this story, Dates aren’t supposed to be cheesy.
Rule 2: When you know someone wants to sleep with you they will try anyway possible to get in the sack. Roofies, taco bell, and most importantly booze. Liquor will loosen up anyone at all. There is something about booze and getting someone so drunk they don’t remember what happened at all. Playing a drinking game to Rocky Horror Picture Show, I was sloshed. She got me to drink 3/4 a bottle of vodka. I don’t remember a thing except waking up in a prom dress and wearing a firefighter hat. I have no clue what that means, moral of this rule, don’t drink close to a fifth on a first date. I still have the liquor shits to this day.
That does it for this set of the unwritten rules. Stay tunes, cause there will be more Rules, you will need to learn from before you go out on your next date.
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