A long long time ago, in a land far far away from here! Actually, the land is right across the street, but I digress. This is a land that was covered in Rice Fields, a mosquito will suck your blood faster than an ex wife, (Just ask my friend Chris.) and home to a former president of these United States. We shall call this land, Arkansas. In this land of humidity ridden summers lived a boy. Not a boy, A MAN!!!! A full fledged American male. Well, as manly as you can get. His name was Richard. Richard really didn’t have a life, but going to the doctor and babysitting kids or his friends. If you can’t tell, this story is going to be about me and the month of January. This was one of the most exciting and shittiest months I have ever had in my life. The ending, however, even shocked me. This isn’t your normal everyday story. This story might have a few twists.
A long long time ago, in a land far far away. Just so you know, I am not restarting this. In a land of dirty mountains, green chilies, and a bunch of drunks that smelled like beer and piss….. I would like to call this land New Mexico or BUTT FUCK EGYPT. In this land, lived a girl, no better yet, a nerdy woman. She has had terrible luck with the opposite sex. We will call her, Sister Christian. One, I didn’t want to use her real name. I was worried somehow Disney would sue me. Number 2, come on people, with that name you know there will be a cheesy 80’s rock song pun in this story’s future.
It was New Years night. I had just finished eating some of the staples of the day. You know what I am talking about, the superstitious foods. Black eyed peas for good luck. Spinach for some money. Finally, some hog jowl for some health. Of course, I put away more spinach and hog jowl. Why? you ask yourself. If you have health and money, you are already destined to have good luck. I had sat down for my nightly surfing of the interwebs. I have certain sites that I absolutely love every second. One of those sites just happens to be the social networking site, that sparked a major motion picture, and you can poke people. The wonderful world of the Book Of Face. I always like to see what my friends are doing on that day. The fact it was a holiday made it a little bit better. I knew more people would be on that night or still recovering from the night before. I was looking at status, after status, and then I came across a friend of mine who seemed really sad. I love making people laugh and smile. It breaks my heart to see someone sad. In my heart I wanted to try everything in my power to cheer this person up. I sent her a message. I told if she ever needed anyone to talk to that she should send me a message or something. I was listening to my heart when I sent that. Well, a couple of hours went by. I had no response. The feeling that my gesture hopefully could have made her smile was enough for me. Her best friend called me, I told her what I had done. I asked if it was OK if we talked to each other first. I was being respectable since we had dated in the past. She said it was all gravy. I hung up the phone. Checked the little facebook app on my phone, and I had a message from her. She said she was going to take me up on my offer.
She was having a rough time. She was feeling very very lonely. She looks at Facebook on her phone. Low and Behold she has a message. You know who it is from. Don’t even think about it. She decided to respond so we can talk and get to know each other better and better. It would be good to have someone to talk to.
I continue reading my message, and at the end is her phone number. I am so excited. I love talking to people via text, plus we have known each other for a while now anyway. It’s not like we didn’t know who each other were. I put in her number so I can text her. The number I put in is invalid. I kept getting that message over and over and over and over. I kept getting the same message. I had to get on the phone with her friend again to see what I am missing in her number. She sent me a typo. She hit a two instead of a three or vice versa. I should have took that as a sign from god to not have anything more than talking. If we ever even got the chance to talk. Let the texting commence. The messages went on for a few hours. She is really hard on herself. I really don’t understand how beautiful attractive women, will sit there and call themselves fat. This girl weighs 150. Ladies and gents, our society needs a reality check. Buffalo Bob murdered women who were size fourteens in Silence of the Lambs. NONE, not a one, was a fatty. You are a fatty, if your bladder has two stomachs. You are a fatty, if sweat pants look like a rubber band you are about to burst. You are a FATTY, if you have fat that covers your ankles. You are Fat if you can flap your arms and get more hang time than 747. That would also mean you are on Home Land Security’s Terror list. That is fat. She was by no means, fat. She always found something wrong with herself. I can’t really say anything myself, I tend to do the same thing. However, mine is health. Not weight. I am proud of my love chunks. She was a really down person. I hope I made her smile during this time. I know she needed a friend. Well, after a few more text messages, I wanted to call her. I hate first time phone calls. They are awkward. I was hoping there wouldn’t be the SILENCE. I scroll up from all the text messages. I look at the call button. Do I want to? Needless to say, that would be the moment that started the quickest roller coaster ride on earth. I push the button. One ring. I can feel the nervousness in my stomach.
We talked for two solid weeks. They weren’t short phone calls either. In the time of one of our conversations you could watch one of The Lord of The Rings movies or the entire Pauly Shore collection. I enjoyed talking to her. It was really easy. Things however are so much easier to do over the phone. I was sitting down watching the Arkansas State bowl game with my family. My original plan was to just go out there and visit and come back. I said something to her by text message or over the phone, ( I don’t remember. I have slept since then.) I could always get a one way ticket. “You Should.” Girl in New Mexico responded, say What?
She asked me to move in with her. Wow. That is not an easy decision. How do I even decide this? I turn to my friends and ask them for advice. I was waiting for someone to tell me it was a bad idea. No one ever did. Not only was I going to be with her, but I was going to get to perform again. I was going to do what I love again. This is really making sense to me. A new beginning. I am liking this idea. However, I didn’t take something into consideration. My health. Many of you know, I have been battling some health issues for the past two years. It pretty much grounded me in my tracks. I didn’t even think about it in my decision. I just got off an experimental drug that could help me stop having black outs. Turns out, that it didn’t work, and gave me one hell of a side effect.
Friday the 13th. I find out that this is going to be the day I am heading to New Mexico to start my new life. I got to make the phone call that I had been wanting to make for a few days. I pushed call and got to say the phrase I had been wanting to for days. “Sister Christian, Oh the time has come!” You knew it was coming. Got to love some really cheesy puns based on a really bad cheesy 80’s rock song. That night, I decided to hop on a train and get the hell out of there. I thought my life was starting. I said this trip was to better myself, and I was right, but not in the way I thought.