In the Summer of 2009, I became newly single. My relationship of 6 years had tanked, and I was getting ready to start a new chapter in my life. I thought I was going to marry the woman of my dreams. Well, sadly I was mistaken. I had to put myself back out on the market. I didn’t have the foggiest clue on what to do in the dating world. Hell, I still don’t know. In my journey between then to the present, I have met some people that have changed my life forever. Some of them had an impact. Some of them brought me down. Some of them even made me say “what in the fuck I was I thinking”. This is the dating tale of one lonely guy who knows that someday these moments will have prepared me for the woman that is the one.
I had no idea how to meet people. I was new at this. I didn’t know if going to sit on a park bench was going to work. Who am I kidding? I lived in a small town, the only thing that populated the park there were squirrels. The upside: my nuts would be played with. The down side: trying to explain to your friends that your nuts had been bitten off by a cuddly, but rabid, squirrel. I did the only thing I knew how to do. I decided to jump on the world wide web and try online dating. Not the best idea I have ever had, but certainly not the worst. I would message girls left and right, but the only left and right I was spending time with were my hands. I would send message after message scared off my ass. I can make a fool of myself in front of many, talking to one girl makes me want to pee myself. That is true fear of rejection. The words, dear god, I have mace scare the ever loving shit out of me. I decided to take a small journey to Springfield. I was going to stay with a friend to clear my mind of the bullshit I had been through. I decided it would be fun to go on a date while I was there. This story I would like to call: On one knee, Holy shit I need to flee.
I had been talking to this girl for about one day through emails. We were getting along really fine. In my mind, dating is one long continuous game of 20 questions. How many questions can you ask before someone wants to kick you in the balls, or vaginas for our female friends out there. Everything was getting better and better. I thought it may not be a bad idea to ask this girl over and cook her dinner. The safe plan was that if she were a bowl of crazy flakes, she wouldn’t know where I live at. The downside is she would know where my friend lived. Once I leave, it’s his problem. I threw all three of my balls to wall and asked her over for dinner. She accepted. I was as giddy as 13 year old boy in Mary Kay Letourneau’s class. Was that wrong? Oh well.
The day had arrived. I was freaking out. What was I going to wear? I really don’t think she would appreciate the invisible pants gag. Ok. She would. For reasons that I can’t explain. Who am I kidding? She would love the size of my calves. I decided on a nice pair of khaki shorts. Looking back on it, I dressed like a goofy fuck. How I kept someone for 6 years is kind of amazing. Khaki shorts and long socks. I looked like the guitarist from AC/DC. The shirt I wore alludes me but, it was probably something that said look at me I am a doofus. I still have that shirt actually.
The next step was deciding what to cook for dinner. I had thought about cooking chicken but that is such a played out date food. What are we having tonight baby? Chicken!!! A moan from them both knowing that life has fallen in to a very sad rut. Don’t want to be boring. The next idea I had was meatloaf. Is this a 1950’s sitcom? If I married this girl are my kids going to be named Wally and Beaver? That is not a good idea either. A light bulb suddenly went off. It actually was my friend turning on the light, but it served to be the catalyst to a damn good idea. Pizza. Not those crappy 10 dollar Pizza Hut Pizzas that will give you the runs for days. I am talking about homemade, from scratch. Just like the Italians. I am going to be a real life Chef Boyardee. No tomato sauce. I am going to impress this girl. I am going to make an Alfredo pizza, with homemade cheesesticks and a nice salad. Dessert? Oh yeah that would be two scoops of me. This night is going to be awesome.
I have started preparing the food, and I am dressed not to the 9’s but like I am playing the 9thhole. Things are looking up for me finally. I am pumped. My phone goes off. It’s a text message from the girl coming to see me. I open up my phone and the message put a pit in my stomach. She told me that she couldn’t make it. I was sad. Now my date is going to be with my male friend. Which felt a little awkward being that we had just seen Blades of Glory. I had to think on my feet. What was a guy to do? Plus, I am not having a candlelit dinner with a 6’4” 350 pound man. I bust into action with my sphincter closed. I decided to hop on the dating site. I was getting messages from a couple of ladies at the time. Ladies, don’t let a guy fool you. Until you become an item, he is talking to other girls. It’s the dreaded dating stage. I decided to ask this girl that I had only had two messages with if she would like to partake in this nice dinner with me. It was a spur the moment decision that I will never forget to this day. We hadn’t even got to the texting stage, let alone the what is your favorite movie question. Without a moment of hesitancy, she replied back yes. I sent her the address to my friends place and prayed to God that she wasn’t crazy. God laughed at me on that day.
It only took her 10 minutes to get there and she was 20 minutes out. In a second I am going to give the the play by play of what that car ride was like but that will be in a little bit. She shows up and gets out of her car. I am now sweating like a whore in church. One Knock. I don’t want to seem eager. That would be a little creepy. I am going to get to know someone over dinner. Two Knocks. I feel sweat in places that I didn’t even know could sweat. I shaved my entire body after this. Did you know that having body hair and fat rolls are not a good combination? Sorry, Let me get back on pace. Three Knocks. I open the door. Blonde hair down to her shoulders, average build and kinda cute. One problem, she had this nervous twitch. She came in. She hugged me like I was gone to fight a war, and she’d gotten a letter about my death, only to find out the government was protecting me until the coast was clear and she found out she was going to see me again. Let me put this in easier terms, Elmira from Tiny Toons with every pet she ever had. I have never had the wind knocked out of me from a hug but at that moment, it happened. We said our hellos. I told her to make herself at home. I was going to finish getting dinner ready. What happened next will shock all of you.
I come back from the kitchen and set two plates of salad on the table. The table was made from pizza boxes. Gotta love romantic stories. I look over at her. She is holding something shiny in her hand. I swear up and down this truly happened. She was holding a men’s ring. This girl, who I have only had two emails with prior to this, got down on one knee. It’s moments like this that will lead a normal man to drinking. She looks up at me, “I have read your profile over and over and over again.” Stalk much? “ I know you are the one for me. I have been praying about it.” God, must be busting a gut at this moment. “Will you be mine forever. Will You marry me?” How do you respond to a first date proposal. Let me tell you. “Umm there is a lot of food so you can eat, but then you got to be going. I am sorry but the answer is no.” I broke that young girls heart and spirit. Well until her next first date.
Let me give you what I think that car ride was like for 10 minutes if I was her.
“Dear God, I know that I have done some crazy things like asking men to marry me on first dates. This time I know you made him send me that message. He is the one, Oh and please take care of 42 cats while I am on this date. They need your love to especially Cat Von Flea.”
“MOM, I found him. I know he is the one. I am going to ask him to marry me tonight. It’s love at first YOU’VE GOT MAIL. It’s like all my favorite movies come true. I love you mom.”
That is how I played it out. Funny thing. I never heard from the girl that canceled on me ever again either. I knew it, it was all just a dirty trick that she wanted to play. I am reading too much into that, aren’t I? I hate being a conspiracy theorist. The dreaded dating stage could have ended right then. But I was foolish and decided I wanted more helpings of crazy flakes.