Rules are meant to be broken. At least that is what the fans of this blog from prison tell me. Those are some crazy bastards to be friends on Facebook with. They don’t have a poke button. They have a shank button. It’s kinda scary. If I were to live life by their philosophy then I would be in a relationship in less than 5 seconds. I don’t need that and I need to live by example. That is why you should get your pens and paper ready children. I do believe it is time for the next installment of The Unwritten Rules of Dating. If you follow these simple rules, you will be skipping down the Yellow Brick Road into Love Town. If you do not follow these rules, you will wind up living by yourself with 367 cats named Fluffy Butternuts.
Rule #323: Going on dates can be very expensive. Especially, if you go on the traditional dinner and a movie date. 30 to 40 dollars for dinner and 25 for the movie, it can break the piggy bank and your soul. There are inexpensive great date ideas out there. Have a home cooked meal and rent from Redbox, a nice walk under the stars, A little back roading and slow dancing under the moon light, window shopping at the Mall, get all jittery on caffeine at a coffee shop, watch some stand up comic (best First date comic, Me.) There is one place you should never take a date to. Sam’s Club. I know what you are thinking and I bet you just spit water. If you are so cheap that you take a date to Sam’s Club for dinner by just eating samples, you have some serious issues. Mcdonalds has a cheap date menu for a reason. The rule here, A sample won’t lead to seconds.
Rule #1188: I am a firm believer that a relationship isn’t real until it is Facebook official. You get to show them off to your friends, hear how much your family wishes you would have stayed with the girl who had one tooth cause she was nice. You know the usual. However, I have seen a growing trend in this idea. A complete step missing. Want to know what it is? Get to know each other, ????. Facebook Official. Have any guesses? I will sit and wait. (Jeopardy music plays) If you guessed Pork, you would be wrong but I know what this fat kid is having for dinner. If you guessed actually meet, then you would be correct. How could you have a relationship with someone you have never met. That would be like some guy going to some random state, for the sake of the argument, New Mexico for someone he didn’t really know. Horses are fun to beat when dead. That is just asking for trouble. If you are going to make official the poking should be in person.
Rule #988: Have you ever been asked by someone you are seeing to get you something while you up? That doesn’t sound too bad, but what if they channel their inner redneck asshole when saying it? If some guys looks at you and says, Woman get me my beer. You have permission to knock the Nattie Light out of their system. A relationship with someone you care about is more important than a beer. Instead of popping a top on a beer, you should be popping her heart and not in the creepy killer way.
Rule #2012: I like to call this the Michael Phelps rule. Swimming in a pool can be a fun way to cool off on a nice warm day. It’s even better when you are completely naked. I just learned this a couple of weeks ago. Yay boobies. If a girl tries to fuck you and she seems as loose as change in someone’s pocket don’t touch her with Charlie Sheen’s dick. The rule here, Don’t have sex in a pool with a girl who claims to be with a lot of guys. Chlorine might kill a lot of things. Herpes isn’t one of them.
Rule #78: Drinking can be fun on a date. It’s not so much fun if one person is sad. (This isn’t the rule, but stay away from beer. Happy Drunks.) What if they drink too much? What if they got a DWI? What if they ask the only sober guy in the house to blow start their car? That is a lot to ask of someone when they first meet. “Will you blow start my car?” “Only if you buy me dinner first.” If they have a huge drinking problem, run away and tell them you have become a nun. A car should not be blown started over a penis.
There will be a pop quiz. Keep these rules to heart and you too can find yourself the man, woman, or other of your dreams.