There are two things that shape up what I am about to tell you, the awesome fans of The Buzz Kill. All 11 of you. Fan number 7 the check is in the mail.

It has been documented on here before I am not the manliest of men. I am not a country boy. I would never own a pickup. I don’t see the point of going muddin. Why would you want to get your vehicle that dirty? You wouldn’t walk around caked in mud would you? Pig Pen from Peanuts excluded. I am going to get up at the ass crack of dawn to go hunting when I can just go to the local supermarket and buy some meat. Plus, orange makes me look really fat. I prefer the bright lights and the city atmosphere. I actually want to know that people are around me. I want to be stuck behind a car and not an International Harvester. That is the first thing.

Have you ever been in a city that just makes you feel better about yourself? That town for me is Paragould, Arkansas.  I am not saying anything bad about the awesome people who live there. I understand why you do though. The lower side of things is so awesome to see in person. Let me give a couple of examples. I went to eat at a place called Dixie Cafe over there and a guy sitting across from us was neighing like a horse. WOW!!! I was wondering if I put salt in my hand if he would lick it. In the Wal Mart in this town, I heard a couple get into a fight that almost came to blows and yelling at each other. It was just sad. I have told many people if the Zombie Apocalypse were to begin at any time, it would be in the city of Paragould.

Now, that we get that out of the way. I messaged this girl on an online dating site. The reason was to not date her, it was to her ask her a question. A friend of mine is off to live her life long dream of pretty much living like a hippie. She wants to try living off the land. I respect her for it. I know I couldn’t do it. I like to be able to watch Television at random times of the day and night. I found this girl who was already doing that. It doesn’t really explain how she was using the internet. I am guessing she had a hamster on a wheel to bring up the connection on her coconut made computer. In my email, I said “Hello. How are you doing? I have a small question for you.” Here is the awesome response I got to that.

“I am guessing you have a comprehension problem. I need a rugged type. I own a cabin on the lower mountainside. (I have been all through Arkansas, there isn’t a mountain in this state. There are a lot of giant hills.) No Power, No Water, this means rough living. (This means that there will be hairy woman living in the woods not taking care of her hygiene.) The parcel (Parcel? Is the shack able to be sent by the U.S Mail Service.) will not have electricity in my lifetime. (Ben Franklin held a kite stupidly in a thunderstorm for a reason.) Apart from Personal Morals it will be expensive to hook up. Furthermore, if you don’t know how to wield an ax or a hand auger. (I know how to use an awesome auger. Billy Mays sold me one.) I have had a lot of maybe and what ifs and possibilities but I am tired of training grown men in more ways than backwoods living. (What other training is there? Is there a how to live in the woods for dummies book?) Tired of men and city pansies. If you want to prove me wrong by all means. (Nope, I like being clean.)

The end of the message was a little offensive. I have made jokes so far and it deserved it. I would have loved it if the message would have ended there. It didn’t. The end of the letter read, “I needed to go live with the queers and niggers where I belonged.” I am not trying to offend anyone but that is what she said to me. My mouth dropped. It’s sad to see that people still haven’t grown up yet. Open your mind up and you would be a much happier person. It made me sick. I felt better about myself, cause I am not prejudice. Happiness is awesome. That is what I like to hear from everyone.

I have also met some hippies that live in a house without everything. Are they like this? No. I can’t believe what I read. I may be a city boy but being closed minded is one thing I am not. It makes me feel better that I am not you.