Yesterday started off like any other day. It was quiet and more than likely I was thinking about a girl that I could never have. I swear it’s getting bad. I am cuddling with a roll of paper towels. The good thing is that if I am to make a mess, it can be cleaned up very quickly. It has been hot and unusually dry. I decided it would be best for me to get out of bed. I looked out the window to a surprise that I wasn’t expecting. The wind was kicking up. Storm Clouds are moving in. No, this is not the Garth Brooks song this is legit. A flash of light goes streaking through the sky. A giant clap of thunder can be heard off in the distance. As the storm approaches the house the wind is sweeping down the plain. I am not in Oklahoma, stop giggling. There is another flash of light. Boom. The power goes out. Where is my roll of paper towels? I think I just soiled myself. It’s really dusty. The wind is blowing a dust cloud right for the house. I hunker down in the fetal position, screaming for my mommy. I can’t see anything out the window. The dust cloud has blocked any view that I have. All of a sudden there is a knock at the door. The last I remembered no one knew where I was at. My next guess is that is was Rent A Center coming to find a television. I slowly proceeded to the door as the knocking kept getting louder and louder. I was becoming pissed. The next thought is that this is some crazy Jehovah’s Witness at the door. I open the door and yelled “WHAT!!!” There was a man standing there wearing a duster. Kinda makes sense with the dust storm. I was never able to see the man’s face. He reaches inside his coat. I knew this is the way I was going to go. I am too cute to die. He pulls out this notebook. He hands it to me. I am really confused. The man in a very gruff voice says “You need to make this public, son. This is the Diary of An Asshole. You need to tell your readers every entry so that they are aware of the scum of the earth.” I take the notebook and while I was looking up the man was gone. This is very weird. I sit down and open the diary. You know he was kind of an asshole when he has a diary and not a journal. Not very manly. The first page, told me who this belonged to. It was the diary of a man named Jet Reno. I was already scared shitless. I know I am going to do what this mysterious man at the door asked me to do. I decided the best way would be just to open the diary to a random page and just write the entry.
These are those entries.
(Law & Order Dun Dun)
March 6, 2003
My roommate has a kid. God, I hate kids. They just go and fuck up anything that I have planned. I can manipulate a woman as easy if they have a kid. Diary, you have no idea how hard it is to manipulate a kid. Oh, who am I kidding. Diary. If I have chocolate and can turn on Spongebob Squarepants they will be putty in my hands. Her kid brought in papers from school. I am a parent and I don’t keep that shit. I don’t actually care about my kids or anyone else kids. I threw out that crap. Who needs keepsakes of their kids. My roommate came home and I was surprised she was pissed. Diary, she started going through the Dumpster to find stuff. I stood in my bedroom, drinking her soda out of my awesome Oklahoma State cup. Diary, some day this asshole will find someone that I can control to be mine forever.
November 17, 2006
Diary so I think I did something kind of wrong. Today, I needed to get a new bank account but I really didn’t want to start my own. That takes way too much work. What did I do? I went into my roommates room and stole her bank information. A couple of hundred dollars and a meal at Chili’s, this was one full Asshole.
January 22, 2012
You know what I didn’t do today Diary? I didn’t travel to New Mexico for some girl that I convinced to have some other guy come out there. It’s good to be an asshole. He is homeless and I sold his shit.
February 3, 2010
Today I moved into a house with two women that get SSI checks. I wish I knew what was wrong with them, but if it isn’t about me I don’t give a shit. Diary, I am just better than everyone else, just look at my gay pirate hair. Those years in prison changed me, Diary. I digress. Guess what work I am doing to keep up the bills, Diary? You get me. Not a damn thing. Men killed the saber tooth tiger to protect women. Why in the fuck do I have to work for these sluts. We also came up with the rag so you clean the kitchen. We also came up with the vacuum so you can clean our house and we also came up with the sandwich and you women should make them for us. I have two women doing everything I have ever wanted. I will be back later, I am going to eat me a ham sandwich and watch the woman be my damn slaves. This asshole is just like Zack and Cody. I am living the sweet life.
May 6, 1998
I am a very sad asshole today. My youngest kid filed a restraining order against me. I guess I shouldn’t have gotten him drunk and ran around naked breaking and entering into places with him in that kid backpack holder. It’s number 11. I think I am going to start a drinking game every time I piss off some jerk who doesn’t understand me like you do Diary.
May 7, 2012
I want to admit something to you and only you. I have feelings for you. You are the only thing that gets me. It gets lonely sometimes being an asshole. You make me feel wanted. I am going to attach a strap on you after I am done writing and you are going to become one with me.