Judging by the title, you’re probably expecting this to be something out of a John Steinbeck novel. I will not be packing up my family and moving them to California in hopes of finding the American dream. However,  I can’t lie, on certain days the prospect of running away to Cali with the ones I love crosses my mind quite a bit. This year in my life has been one of the craziest roller coaster rides a person can experience. I feel that I owe an explanation as to why the site has taken the brunt of what has been going on.Earlier this year I hit one of the lowest points of my life. I have tried hiding the problems and fighting them head on. No matter what I tried it just seemed to make things worse. I finally feel comfortable enough to put all my feelings down in writing, with the hope that it will lift me over the issues I’ve been dealing with.

This really started a little over four years ago. I was raised by my Grandparents, but to me they were never my Grandparents. They raised me from day one. They will always be my parents.  I feel in my late 20s, I can say I was one of the few kids fortunate enough to truly have two sets of parents but didn’t realize that till I was older.  My dad passed away in the year 1997, this left just my mother and myself. She was always a constant in my life. She came to all my sports practices and every one of my plays. My mother was always my biggest supporter. She backed me up on every decision I made in life. The day I started doing comedy, she was the most proud parent on the planet. I feel every child should have that kind of support system. She is the reason I feel that all my dreams can come true.

Four years ago this amazing woman, that supported me all life, had a stroke. A memory that I thought would pass, but still haunts me to this day. The stroke affected her mind and her health got progressively worse. I gave up everything during this time. I gave up telling jokes, which was my everything. I also gave up a dream job in radio because she needed me. She had taken care of me throughout my life and I felt it was time to repay her for the work she did for me. I could only do it for a few months before it became overwhelming, a long story that I promise to share at a later date. I finally had to break a promise I had made and put my mom in a nursing home. I fought with that decision and came to realize it was for the best. She was able to get the help that would make her feel better for the time being. Every visit I had with my mom was special, but hard on the heart.

This February,  almost exactly four years to the date of her stroke, I got the dreaded phone call that I knew was coming. No matter how much time you have to prepare, it’s never any easier to lose a loved one. The comfort I had was knowing that she was not in any pain and was going to be able to reunite with my dad. I knew in my heart that she was finally going to get to be herself again. No more forgetting names or not being able to talk. Things would be easier for her but here on earth, the process wasn’t so easy. I remember just staring off blankly into the middle of nowhere. I was in shock. I thought it was going to be easier to get through, but it was the complete opposite.

The day I got back from the funeral, I experienced something that was rare in my life, I fell into a deep depression. The only person who had truly supported me up to that time was no longer there to push me. I started this website the day I started taking care of her. The day she passed away I felt like  everything around me passed away as well.  I knew that wasn’t the case but the mind is a powerful tool.The only way I could manage sleep was to take 5 Benadryl a day. I just sat in bed 24/7 and didn’t give a damn about anything or anyone. I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemy, no one deserves the pain I put myself through.

I felt like it was time to get this off my chest. I felt that it was going to be the only way for me to move on past the pain that is still there with my mom’s passing. I am emotionally better, and I know I am in a much better place in life. When she did go, I thought I was not going to be able to have that drive again. I never thought I would have a support system like that again. I thought I lost my rock for the rest of my life, why would there be a reason to move forward. I wanted to keep myself stuck in a moment that could have very well killed me. About two months ago, all of that changed. That also, is a story for another day.

There is one thing I wish I could do with my mom though. I would love to spend one more holiday with her. One more Christmas. I would love to see her smile one last time. However, the best I can do is say this. No matter where I am, Mom, I will always love you and I thank you.

If you are going through anything that makes you feel like the world is ending, that is making your heart ache with sadness. Write out how you feel. When you are done, trust me, the weight of the world will feel like it has been lifted off your shoulders.