SelfHelp For The Helpless

Fucking Hell. August 8th This website relaunches and not one sight of this website’s savior. This travesty is bad for me but it is going to be great for all of you. I about to rise up from the ashes like a Phoenix and not someone that goes to a “School” of the same name. If you have no idea who I am, let me god damn introduce myself, my name is Stick Figure (I pretended to be in a band. I was able to get this chick naked in the bathroom can. I know it’s breast cancer awareness month so I checked her double D’s for lumps. I found out she has been meeting people off Craigslist so I couldn’t get past the little red bumps) Dan. I decided that I needed to do something a little special. I know in this world that there is no other mother fucker like me because of that reason I know there is only one person that can help the world be more awesome. I have been told that sometimes I am a little too mean or I am a little too brash. Maybe come across as a little too much for the average person. Well, if you are an average person, my guess is that you are sitting there being all fat on a damn futon stuffing your face with delivery Chinese food or an apple pie. Maybe both, and yes I am judging you. Maybe you are a melodramatic asshat that wants the entire spotlight to shine down on you. Here is a news flash for you; it doesn’t work that way because if it did, Kevin Federline would still be in show business. I think that all of you need a little help and that is why I am lending my good graces to do so. What would you do without me? I know I am sick and tired of hearing about Doctor Who on Netflix. I have come up with a plan to make you a better person. This is Stick Figure Dan’s Self-Help for the Helpless. If you take my rules to heart, you will not end like a miserable self-loathing excuse for a person. Today’s first lesson is admitting that you are a loser.

I know it is harddawson-crying. You wake up every morning and look in the mirror and think about how great you are. Sadly, though this is not the truth. You are a complete and utter loser. I too was at this point in my life. Oh, who I am kidding. I have never been a loser. I have never had my underwear flown at half mass on a flag pole. You need to look at the person looking at you in the mirror and realize this is the person that I do not want to be. You have to admit that you have a problem. I know what you are thinking, “I don’t have a problem!” Well, you are wrong there tiger. You do have a problem. I am guessing you just wallow in your own pity. I know all the phrases that you spout off with friends and will not admit to anyone else. “Why can’t my family love me?”  “Will I ever fit in?” “Should I eat that third sandwich?” This is the kind of attitude that makes you listen to Fall Out Boy and cry while watching The Nightmare Before Christmas. Nobody wants to see that happen to anyone especially myself.

I want you to get off your lazy ass, put down the apple pie, stop thinking about catching up with Supernatural and do what I say. I want you to step over all the empty pizza boxes and Pepsi. For the love of all things human, while you are up will you please feed your damn cat. It is getting annoying to hear it every 22 seconds. I want you to go to the room that you spend a lot of time in. Where the fuck are you going? I didn’t mean your parents basement. You need to stop taking live action role playing so seriously there Dumbledore. I want you to walk in the bathroom or any place where there is a mirror. I am guessing for some of you that are above your bed. It takes different strokes but I am not going to say anything, those are some damn creepy strokes. I want you to look in the mirror and say “I am a loser.” Now, once you have done that and you are crying like a pussy at every emotional thing that happens in life. That means you are ready for the second step.

I may be a raving asshole and that has taken a lot of practice over the years. You can’t become like me overnight, but with my help in a short amount of time you are going to make it to almost as awesome as me. The plus side is I am not even charging you money for this. Stay tuned for step two until then, Figure It Out!

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Stick Figure Dan
Stick Figure Dan is the resident loud foul mouthed prick of TBK Magazine. He is a loud mouth who will say anything at any given moment. He hates the world and everything in it. Dan came into the society as a writer in 2007 and hasn’t looked back since. He likes to write open letters to famous people, putting them in their place.
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