Who has seen movies based off video games? What did you think of them? Honestly I try to watch most of them that is released, some of them I can stomach and other I am thinking, “What the hell am I doing here? I could have bought a night of passion and got free souvenirs as a reminder for the same price of the movie ticket and concessions.”

Not all video game to movie adaptations are bad though, given only a few have made the cut. I only hope that the next wave of game movies live up to the hype of their gaming counterparts. I will rate these movies as follows: 1 mushroom to 5 Mushrooms, 1 meaning that it should suck dead rotting donkey balls and 5 meaning that you have found the bonus level and unlocked a secret achievement. Some of the adaptations I have somewhat rather enjoyed and will readily watch again are……

Mortamkml Kombat (1995) I am very bias to this game and movie because I grew up on it, honestly who doesn’t enjoy ripping their defeated opponent apart after a grueling fight? This movie was good because one, it had amazing casting. The characters we had grown to love had been brought to life in an inexplicable way. Two, the special effects were done magnificently for the time. They were cutting edge and though they helped to drive the story, the story wasn’t dependent on them and they didn’t distract from the writing. Thirdly, the writers crafted a very good story from the not so canan story in the games. The way all the characters were assembled for the tournament and executed their purpose for being in the tournament was really well written. There isn’t a lot to complain about this adaptation because it was well done. There is a reboot coming out next summer that I am actually really excited for. If you love this game you should definitely check out the web series Mortal Kombat Legacy, it is created and directed by Kevin Tacheron and explores the beginnings of the key characters in a new “real world” way. FINAL JUDGEMENT…4 MUSHROOMS

Resident Evil.(2002) Perhaps the most beloved of all survival horror games, the movie version paid a decent amount of tribute to the source material. Although not perfect by any means it was and is still a very watchable movie. With a different story that appears to happen slightly before the first game, it stayed away from the spencer mansion and delved right into the secret operations of the Umbrella corporation. This particular Resident Evil, as well as the others, captured the essence and grotesqueness of the creatures, leaning heavily on the art of CGI (computer generated images) they brought the zombies, lickers, nemesis, and tyrants to life in a somewhat beautifully disgusting way. JUDGEMENT….3 MUSHROOMS

Silent Hill ( 2008 ). I remember sitting in my dark room on stormy nights playing the hell out of this game, honestly the first game to scare the living crap out of me. Both the movie and the game really set the creepy atmosphere with both open and closed spaces, very natural sounds of aging structures combined with the cries and moans of the dead undead. Any who this movie really stuck to source material and captured that lonely, creepy and desolate environment that the games provided. The instant mind fucks that happened when the town of Silent Hill morphed from dream world into the hellish version of itself really confuses you if you’re not accustomed to it already. The camera movements, lighting, and sounds really brought this blockbuster game to life. All in all this movie gave me hope for video game movies. JUDGEMENT….3 MUSHROOMS

Prince of Persia (The Sands of Time) (2010 ). This game was brought to life by Pirates of the Caribbean producer Jerry Bruckheimer, with stunning visuals, decent acting, a somewhat believable story, and a sexy prince played by Mr. Darko himself Jake Gyllenhaal. The atmosphere, costumes, and homage paid to the source material made this movie so much better. Again the writing was done as far as the story goes. Set in ancient Persia, the story was based on the game of the same name although somewhat different. The prince was cast perfectly and really looked like the gaming counterpart. Graphically the movie was stunning and once again instead of being solely dependent on graphics the story was enhanced and pushed forward, working hand in hand with the CGI. I only asked that Disney doesn’t fuck up the second Prince of Persia movie that is assuredly to come. Please Disney, push the PG-13 envelope as far as you can by including the sand serfs, brutes, and gritty content that is Warrior Within (second POP game). Judgement is 3 Mushrooms.

Final Fantasy Advent Children *animated* (2005 ) There is honestly not anything bad I can reaffaclly think of in this movie other than maybe some of the voice acting could have been better, but that aside this is the perfect video game movie. The production values, sets, story, and animation was over the top for its time. This film could easily stand toe to toe with big mainstream titles from companies like Pixar and Disney. The thing that made this movie so good is how true it was to the source material, the characters was there, the attitude of the characters, everything was spot on. Now given that the story in this movie was not one that was actually explored in any of the Final Fantasy games set in the VII universe, it still seemed to be a perfect canon fit into the tapestry that is the Final Fantasy VII universe. The build up throughout the movie definitely paid off at the end when *spoiler alert* Cloud Strife and Sephiroth final battle it out in true over the top Final Fantasy style. This is how a video game movie should be made. JUDGEMENT….5 MUSHROOMS

Now for the flip side of the coin, and the thing that Gets My Goat about these so-called adaptations is how each of them tend to always be listed amongst the greatest sins. Since they all share basically the same major problems there is no need to explain their sheer lack of respect for movie goers one by one I will detail all the major issues before I list them all.

All of the movies that follows share these major problems.

1. A story that could have been written better by a group of sugar junkie kindergartener during nap time would be better than the shit Hollywood gives us. The biggest mistakes I have noticed here is they either

A. Keep the same exact story that is in the game( given the fact that this isn’t always bad) and then go and fuck it up with casting, writing, directing, etc.

B. The semi canon story that is crafted from an original mind is less than shit to begin with, yet it still goes into production and allowed to be given to the public.

Come on Hollywood are you really so stingy and tight with your money that you have to essentially take a major Triple A game and run the entire property into the ground, usually a great game will get a shitty movie then the game sequel is released and it has gone to absolute shit.

2. Casting, I am obviously not a talent scout or casting director with a six figure bank account but I swear I could cast these roles better if I was drunk as shit. The big problem is casting people to play characters that does not embody the essence of the source character.

3. Directing, now here is where a lot of the shit that makes it to the final cut should be eliminated. Directors, you really need to know your source material and not just what you have read or been told. Some of the following movies would have actual been good-by fixing one or all the above problems.

Now for the most shitty Mcshittacluar video game movies adaptations list ever. By the way all of these movies get a rating lower than a mushroom, they are rated by…..who the hell cares, why waste our time rating something that no one even cares about.

Super Mario Bros. (1993)

Mortal Kombat Annihilation (1997)

Far Cry (2008)

Doom (2005)

BloodRbloodrayneayne (2005)

BloodRayne 2: Deliverance (2012)

BloodRayne 3: The Third Reich (2012)

 

Street Fighter (1994)

Double Dragon (1994)

I could go on and on but honestly now I am getting so damned depressed that I am close to walking into traffic or creating some over the top way to kill myself that has a higher production value than the aforementioned atrocities. I hope most of you have not had to suffer through these sins of cinema, but if you have and survived, for that I salute you brave moviegoers. Now it’s time to take my anti-depressant meds and have a whiskey-bullet kind of night. Garebear out!