I bet after the first holiday of the year, you are feeling the effects of that turkey and the extra helping of cranberry sauce can do. I bet you look sexy sitting there in that pair of pants simply known as your “fat pants”. If you do not know who I am let me introduce myself. My name is Stick figure (Why is it that you can’t have any friends? Maybe it’s the fact that leaving your mom’s basement is a sin. I bet you sit around and cry about all your old flames. Too bad it’s just the whopper and the story is called the Hunger Games.) Dan and this is the second installment of Self Help for the Helpless. The last time we tackled the fact that you are a loser that could not put down the food. I am guessing that you repeated step one after yesterday. I need you to get off your ass and put on some clothes that does not reek of desperation and gravy. Today, we are going to be talking about the second step in being more cool and awesome. I know deep down under the layers of human warmth a.k.a. Fat rolls, you want to be like me. I get all the ladies and I can get anything I want at the snap of my fingers. I am guessing that you have no talent and actually have to use the money to purchase items. Hold on a second while I laugh at the fact that you have to do things the hard way. The second step is acceptance of the fact that you are not cool.
I know it. You are a loser. We have all been there once, well not me, of course. You have to ask our mom while we are still living at home way into our 30s, if it is ok that a friend comes over to play on the Sega Genesis. Grown men that live with their mom can only hope that their mom will buy them a PS4 but until then you are set to play Madden 95 and hope that no one cares that the best team on the game is the Cowboys. I think that to help you get out of the hell that your life is in is to actually go outside. That big yellow thing in the sky is not a night light, it is the sun. It helps plants grow so you can continue to eat the potato chips that are sitting next to you on the couch. I also want you to try to talk to someone. I know that is a hard thing to do when your closest thing to an actual person that you know is a Knight 6 Elf in the world of Warcraft franchise. There are homeschooling that have better social skills that you and that is just sad.
Acceptance of who you truly are will help you at least get you out of the shadow of being excited that your parents have unblocked HBO for a night. I also have an assignment for you in the next month. Yes, this may be difficult for some of you since you are just accepting that the reason you are not getting laid is the fact that you read too much Game of Thrones. I know reading about sex is exciting isn’t it? Wait till by the end of this and you are actually having sex with someone. Get that stupid “ewww” look off your face and know that bodily fluids will be exchanged. The assignment for this month is to say hi to a random stranger. I want to make this clear, it has to be a real person and not on a video game or a fan forum. You will not become more awesome until you realize that having a real conversation will make you grow as a person.
Next time we will be taking a look at part three and if you thought this part was hard the next time is about how not to look like a dumbass at Christmas. I know that is going to be hard for some of you who get a hard on at a light up sweater.