I have been feeling really depressed. I have just recently been diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis. Fear has been running through me constantly since. I can’t sleep. I haven’t been eating well. I have to keep my head up except on rainy or snowy days. I could drown. I have been thinking a lot since this has happened. I keep getting asked what I want for Christmas though. I really like that everyone has been trying to keep my mind occupied. The possibilities are endless. I could ask for Pepsi but that would be like feeding the animals at the zoo. I could ask for a girlfriend. However I wasn’t asked what miracle I wanted for Christmas. I could ask for some Tinker Toys. HAHAHA. I am not my sister. It hit me. I know what I want this year. I want my health.
I still haven’t figured out how to accomplish my wish. The only I have been able to think of is selling my soul to Satan or finding a Witch Doctor. I have tried many ways to accomplish it though. I have went on search for leaf clovers. Kind of hard to do when it’s colder than a blind man’s teet. I keep looking at the clock so it will be 11:11. I have horrible timing at doing this. I can call a girl as soon as they get out of the shower. Trying to look at the clock at 11:11 is like trying to find a virgin in the Kardashian family. I pretended it was my birthday and blew out all the candles on the cake. The downside the wish didn’t come true. The upside, I got cake and who doesn’t love cake. I have tried throwing pennies down the toilet to make a wish. Each wish I have made has turned out shitty. You saw the bad pun coming from a mile away. Stevie Wonder knew it was coming.
It was the middle of the day on December 23. I have been feeling kind of weak. It goes along with the sickness. I log onto Facebook. I see everyone is festive and happy. Not me. I wish, I could feel the same way they do. I would give anything just to feel fine. Not to have the burden on my shoulders. I decided to lay down. I put in the movie, A Christmas story. That movie makes me feel better no matter what time of year it is. I feel my eyes getting heavy. I doze off in a matter of minutes after the part where Flick gets his tongue stuck to the pole. Classic. An hour goes by. All of a sudden, it strikes me in the middle of my nap. I know who can fulfill my Christmas wish! Santa Claus.
I get on the World Wide Web to see where the closest place Santa was going to be today. Holy Chocolate Mint Candy Canes, Batman! Santa is going to be in town for a parade tonight. This is my chance to possibly get my health back. I know what I have to do. I have to be ready on that parade route. It also gives me an excuse to possibly eat some Tootsie Rolls. THE GREATEST CANDY KNOWN TO MAN!!!!! I need to figure out how I am going to get the Big Man’s attention. I am getting really nervous. The parade begins at 7 and it is already 5:30. I am going to have to leave soon to get the perfect spot on the route. I have to make sure Santa sees me and I get a lot of candy. I’m fat and just like some women chocolate does make some of the pain go away.
I get a hold of a couple of my friends and tell them to meet me downtown. I leave my house it is a short walk. Maybe 3 blocks. I need the exercise before Tootsie Roll-A-Palooza. We meet in front of a comic book shop. We might be nerds but we are cool nerds damn it. We are talking about our Christmas plans. Brooke is going to see her new boo. Shauna is going to have a traditional family Christmas. Nick is going to play guitar and get drunk enough on Vodka to where he might see an elf. I think Nick is winning on the plans so far. Makes we want some Egg Nog. Joe and Crystal show up in this freezing cold and bring us all some Holiday Spiced Hot Chocolates from Sonic. Those things are damn addictive. Crystal asked me “Do you actually felt like being out here tonight?” I responded “Not Really. I may not feel great but I have a reason to be here.” “What’s that?” asked a puzzled Shauna. “I am here to ask Santa for my health for Christmas.” I said. They looked at me as if I had just farted in the middle of prayer at church. Joe pipes up and say “Bro, you know Santa is not real right.” I replied “How do we know that? Yes, we heard our parents tell us that when we were younger. Our parents also told us if we hold our faces in a certain position, it would freeze. If we go outside without a coat, that we would take a cold. How do we know that he not being real wasn’t a lie too? I believe in the Christmas spirit and the miracles of the holidays. Who knows what could happen Christmas morning this year.” Joe starts smiling. “I have to say, we are here for you. We are going to make sure you get to talk to the man in the red suit.” he says. The first real smile, I have had this Christmas. We look down the highway to see blue lights. The parade is almost to us. I feel the butterflies.
The cop cars roll by us, followed by Mr. and Miss merry Christmas. The local high school band followed them playing Jingle Bell Rock. I knew the night was going to be even more special. My favorite Christmas song. I see the first float. It’s a church float. A really beautiful Nativity scene. One of the best floats I have seen in any parade. However, no candy. A few more floats, a couple of tractors. Can’t have a parade in a small town without the tractors. Here comes another float. I see people with bags walking next to it. I am about ready to get my first Tootsie Roll of the season. The float slowly eases past us. I don’t even remember what it is. I am going to go out on a limb and say it was a human snow globe. They throw candy in front of us. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I screamed. It was just Dum Dums. I like those little suckers but that is not the second reason I am braving below freezing temperatures. The floats are coming to an end. I am getting a little depressed that I haven’t got a Tootsie Roll yet. We see the fire trucks. Which means SANTA.
The last float before the main event starts creeping our way. Out of the corner of eye, I spot something. There is a tub at the top of this float. What are they throwing off? I see it is……. TOOTSIE ROLLS! The float inches itself into almost perfect position for this kid to throw us some candy. The second biggest moment of the parade for me was about to happen. The kid winds up and there is the pitch. The Tootsie Rolls comes showering down from the heavens. They hit the cold pavement. I start heading toward them when I lock eyes with a 5 year old. He had the look of a bull in a China shop. He starts sprinting toward the candy. I take off just as quickly. I believe during this moment in my friends head that it was happening in slow motion and the song Chariots of Fire is playing. We get to the Tootsie Rolls at the same time. He bends over and BAM!!!!!!! He looks like Verne Troyer getting hit by Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis. I pop up and say, “That how I Tootsie Roll!” I wasn’t a complete asshole. I gave him all the Dumdums and Candy Canes I had acquired through the parade. I open the wrapper and the sweet taste of victory melts away all of my fear. Bring on Santa.
The moment has arrived. The fire truck carrying Santa is almost to us. I look down the highway at the people and notice they all had sad faces. You can’t have a sad face when seeing Santa Claus. That is just plain wrong. The fire truck was getting ready to pass us. I look up ready to see the big man and talk to him. Then, I got the biggest shock of my life. There was a sign on the side of the fire truck that read. Santa couldn’t be here. Instead here is a guy who has played Santa. Tim Allen. No, Santa. I am pissed. No one like Tim Allen! Not even, Tim Allen likes Tim Allen. I may never be able to tell him my wish for Christmas. Sadness starts taking over. My friends tell me, “He knows what you want. He is Santa. He just knows.” “It’s not the same.” I replied. “I just want to tell him in person.” My friends as if I wanted a ride back to my house. I told them no. I just want to keep my mind occupied.
I begin the short journey to my house. As I started heading down the road I noticed the road was blocked by the parade floats. Damn it. How am I supposed to get home now? I have walk down the trail. I start down the cold dark trail. The street lights are going out after I pass them. I am starting to get a little scared. I do know, if I pee myself that it’s going to freeze in my pants. There is one street light on the trail that has never worked. I have no light at all. I walk under that one light and it comes on. I stop dead in my tracks. I look around trying to find Ashton Kutcher to see if I am getting Punk’d. It’s beginning to snow. I look up to the beautiful flakes falling. There is a red envelope coming down from the sky. I grab it. I am confused as to what is going on. I open it up and begin to read. This is what the letter said.
Sorry, I couldn’t make it tonight. I will make it up to you. See you at the Mall at Turtle Creek at 2:25 P.M. Ho! HO! HO!
I finish reading it. The next thing I know I hear jingle bells above my head. Could it be? I guess I am off to the mall for Christmas Eve Afternoon.
I finally arrived home. I still can’t believe it. How often in life do you get to meet a celebrity? And that celeb be the one and only Santa Claus. Not some fake Mall Santa. I remember as a kid being told that every mall Santa was one of his helpers. If that is the case I would hate to be Santa’s Tax man.
I rushed straight to the bed room. I thought the sooner I could to sleep the sooner it would be till I can have my encounter. I jump into my footy snowman Christmas PS. I hop in bed and tuck myself in. I read the letter one last time before I take the train to sleepy time station. I lay in bed just tossing and turning. I knew I would be to excite to sleep. I keep thinking why he wants to meet with me. Finally, decided screw this. I needed to motivate myself to get out of bed. There is a Gopher setting right next to my bed. The Gopher was a product sold by Billy Mays. It helps old people grab stuff they couldn’t normally get to. In my case, its cause I am fat and don’t want to bend over the bed. I grab my pants, eat a Tootsie Roll and finally was able to doze off. A couple of hours later I sat straight up in bed. It dawned on me, I don’t have a way to Jonesboro. SHIT!!! I have to think of who would believe me if I told them I was going to meet Santa. I could call Ben. No, he is going to tell his kids that Santa doesn’t exist. Boy it must suck being wrong. I could call Shauna but she know what I am like in the mall. I embarrass people easily. Who can I call? Ghostbusters. Damn it, mind, this is not the time for a well-placed joke. I need someone who isn’t going to care about my real reason to go to the mall and has never been with me in a mall. Well, that narrows the list down to one. My sister. I get on Facebook. I send her a message. I think I am going to leave out some parts so she doesn’t think I am crazy. What would be a good excuse? I need to go to Barnes & Noble. No. I don’t read anything unless it has pictures. Bed, Bath & Beyond. I don’t need her thinking I am gay. I got it. I am going to tell her I need to Christmas shop. How original?! That has to work. I send her a message that I need to go Christmas Shopping around 1:30. That give me plenty of time to be there and talk to the big man. It takes a few minutes, she replies “I guess. I hate this time of the year at the mall but I need to do some shopping myself. I will be there at 10. The kids will be with us to” I can now rest easy. I lay my head back down on the pillow and start dreaming of candy canes and Trees.
I wake up really early. Almost too early. I set my alarm to wake my ass up at 9:45. Yes, I know it only give me 15 minutes to get ready but I do great under pressure. Still kind of freaking out as to what to wear when I meet Santa. I look through my closet throwing shirt after shirt. Does my X-Men shirt make me look to nerdy. I got it. How about a kick ass Christmas Sweater where Rudolph’s nose lights up. Hell Yeah. On a side note, the more horrible the Christmas Sweater the better. After taking about 5 minutes to pick out the pimpin holiday sweater, I pace the floor in anticipation. My biggest pet peeve is waiting on people. I know today, I am going to be on edge even more than normal. 10 O’clock comes by and my sister is still not here. Two minutes later the silver chariot pulls in the driveway. Yes, chariots were made by KIA. The car if full. My sister Danielle is in the front driving. We will refer to her as Grinchius Christmashaticus. She hates the holidays. Hence why, I didn’t tell her the actual reason why I wanted to go. In the back seat is my nephew Jackson, (Cue the Road Runner and Wile E Coyote, Graphic Could I be the only person in the car that still believes? My niece Victoria, Basketballer Playercus. She would believe me. She would think it was cool. Right now the only person I can tell the truth to is her. What I wouldn’t give to be young again. Then there is Cody. I have no clue why he is here, but remember those elves that Nick might see after getting Drunk. He would think Cody was one. The 5 of us are on our way to Jonesboro. I want to refer to this trip as Operation Santa’s Sleigh.
After traveling 20 minutes and hearing the same damn Ke$ha song on the radio 3 times, we have made it to Jonesboro. I have this weird feeling that something strange is going to happen. I have no clue why. It could be the fact that I am having hunger delusions. We have to make a few stops before we can go to the mall. First off, is the wonderful store inside Cracker Barrel? Does anyone actually shop here? I say to Danielle, “You have officially became the old cat lady. Next, you are going to tell me you are going to Branson to visit Dixie Stampede and The Baldknobbers.” She replies, “Fuck You” and gives me a look that could turn Medusa into a pillar of stone. We are all too familiar with that look. It does explain why Cody hasn’t said a word the whole time. She picks out salt & pepper shakers and stand in line to pay. “Just our luck, we get stuck behind the old man who wants to pay in pennies. I wish he would hurry the shit up! I want to blow up something. “Jackson says very angrily. Victoria just sighs and says “What the crap?!?!” I think this might mess up my visit with the Big Red Man.
While we are waiting in the damn Cracker Barrel, the time had arrived for Santa to take his place in the Mall at Turtle Creek. Santa doesn’t drive his sleigh in the offseason. He likes to drive around a Yukon Denali. He is Santa for Pete’s sake. He arrives in this vehicle that is red and white striped like a candy cane. He brings his top elf. Her name is Christina. They start to the back entrance of the mall. All of a sudden, tires start screech. Santa stops. He turns around to see a 1982 Ford Dually coming up to them and fast. Santa tells Christina to run and get security. She takes off inside to find help. The Truck comes to a sudden halt right in front of him. Santa drops his sacks of toys. Looks up to see a man get out of the passenger’s side. A middle aged man wearing the same type of sunglasses as John Lennon. He has on a button up shirt and flip flops. He has a rolled up joint behind his ear. He pulls out a guitar case. Santa looks at him and says “Kiss already saved Christmas once, hippie.” The man looks at Santa. He has a very sinister smile on his face. He opens up the guitar case and pulls out a lighter. Removes the joint from his ear. He lights up and says, “You old Bastard, I have a name. And that name is Shaggy.” Santa replies “Like in Scooby Doo, Shaggy?” Shaggy without missing a beat. “No, as in the half ass movie The Shaggy Dog starring Tim Allen.” Santa looks at Shaggy, his rosy red cheeks become a fiery red. Santa comes running toward Shaggy. He pulls his right leg back and boots him right in the Scooby Snacks. Santa looking over Shaggy says. “I guess yours balls won’t jingle this Christmas.” The Driver’s side door comes flying open. He has long hair and is wearing a Johnny Cash shirt plus a trucker hat. He is carrying a Bud Light in one hand and a loaded weapon in the other. He fires a round in the air. Santa Shits a fruit cake. He hits the floor. The Driver is The Murph. Santa, looks at him with a look of why on his face. Murph, with a gun pointed in his face, says angrily “If you would have only brought me the Fucking John Wayne Play Gun set when I was 5. None and I mean none of this would have happened.” The Murph dumps out all the toys in the bag. He proceeds to tie up Santa and put him in his own bag. He throws him in the back of The Murph Mobile along with all the toys. He goes to help out his partner in crime. He helps him up, “Never send a stoner do a drunk man’s job.” Says the Murph to Shaggy. They drive off heading to the airport with Santa in the back.
Christina arrives with cops and mall security. Nothing puts fear in a gunman more than a nerd on a Segway. No one is there. Christina looks all around for Santa. The cops begin to question everyone in the parking lot. There aren’t any witnesses. She must be thinking it is Blind day at the mall. Chris is in a huge panic mode. Her phone starts to buzz. It’s a text message from Santa. The Text Says.
There is only one person that can help me. He is supposed to be there at 2:25. You will know him when you see him.
She has to pretend nothing had happened and continue like nothing had happened till 2:25.
Here is a penny for your thoughts, If you are going to pay in change please go to a bank or this little known machine in Wal- Mart Lobbies called Coinstar. Jesus, this is taking forever. Who wants to be in a Cracker Barrel this long? No one actually goes here do they? Finally, thanks for counting all those pennies and losing count twice. I have had dates that lasted shorter than this. She finally pays for theses Salt & Pepper Shakers. They depict the scene from the awesome Christmas movie White Christmas starring Bing Crosby. It is the part when they start singing the Sisters song. Funny part of the movie, however they make the most hideous Salt & Pepper Shakers ever. Danielle proposes we eat lunch. I start to get upset. “I guess. We need to go somewhere that is quick and fast.”
We go into the very classy buffet restaurant known as Ryan’s. It is a pretty good deal for 4 adults and a kid. I am thinking we pass off Cody as a kid as well. That idea failed miserably, when he showed the waitress his id. What a Dumbass. The best part of eating at Ryan’s is getting handed a plate and having the mentality of go crazy when deciding to eat. The only other time you can do that in life? Opening presents Christmas morning. We all me back at our table with plates piled so high that it looks like a small mountain range. Victoria finally asks the question, I have been dreading all day. “What are buying in the mall?” I start to think, maybe this is the time I should come clean. I reach in my pocket and grab the note that Santa had left for me the night before. I say “I have a meeting tin the mall with a certain big man in a red suit.” My sis whips her head around and just looks at me. It’s almost like she has the dick in mouth look. This is when your mouth opens a small amount to where a man’s private part can be inserted. “You are bull shitting me.” She says sternly. “There is no way you actually believe that there is still Santa. Damn Yankee.” Before I could respond a couple of people seemed like they were in a really big hurry to eat and get out. They must have just finished eating, they were flipping tables as they were on their way out. They ran by us, flipping our table I hear a distinct laugh and a We’re sorry. “We have more important places to be.” The only thing I remember about these two fellows is that one had on a Johnny Cash shirt. We have all lost our second plate of food except for Cody. He was still working on his first. He just looks at us and goes “Fuck! Let’s just go see Santa.” The voice of reason is the mute. Makes me believe that God does work in mysterious ways.
The time is now, 2:00. The mall is in my sights. The nerves start creeping up on me again. What am I going to say? Could Santa give me my health back? This is going to be soooooo Awesome. We get out of the car. The doors are right in front of us. We enter the main doors. The first thing in our sights is the giant Santa village. We can see a couple of people working it. There is a lady taking money so kids can get their picture with Santa. I remember being a kid and having a picture made with Santa. I cried for a good straight two hours. Last year when I had my picture made with him, the crying only lasted 10 minutes. I have got better about that. The line is kind of long. Now, I am scared I won’t get see him at the time he asked. “I can’t believe that I am standing in line with my 26 year old brother to see Santa. This is wrong on so many levels.” Danielle exclaims. I know she is hating it here but this is going to be worth it. I respond “I think you need something salty. Go get a Pretzel and be quiet.” She gives me that look again. A kid in the food court burst into flames. He shouldn’t have been in the direct line of that look. I am in the line by myself. I am next. The clock reads 2:23. Here we go, the kid that went ahead of me started crying. Which means one of two things, He wet himself or it’s my turn.
The clock made a sound when it reached 2:25. I didn’t know regular clocks could chime at different times other than the top of the hour. I walk up to the lady pull out my wallet so I can pay. All of sudden the photographer dressed like an elf comes running up to the line and shoves the lady out of the way. She introduces herself, as Santa’s top elf. The only thing I can think of is I wonder if Elves our single? Whoo Whoo Whoo. This is one hot elf. She slaps me upside the head. “This is not the time to be thinking with your south pole, Richard. You need to be thinking about helping the North Pole.” I froze up. She had to work for Santa. She knew my name. Christine proceeds to tell me the whole story, Santa had been kidnapped. I said “who would do such a thing and why?” She didn’t know. I asked her “If that is the case, who is the guy sitting in the Santa Chair. She said “That is some hobo we found somewhere in Minnesota. He kind of just fit the part of makeshift Santa. The only reason he is jolly. We promised him Scratch off Tickets and MD 20/20. Back to the point at hand. “Santa told me to find you.” I asked her if she got a look at the guys who did this. She said “Kind of. One was a hippie looking fellow. Really mellow. Surprisingly, Kind of nice. Wanted peace and love the other one was an asshole. He wanted to shoot everything up and drink beer.” I respond, “Did Santa get kidnapped by Laurel and Hardy. This premise sounds straight out of a 80s sitcom.” Chris says, “I know their names. They are named Shaggy and the Murph. The only thing I really remember is that he was wearing a Johnny Cash T-shirt.” I replied “We just had a run in with a guy at lunch who knocked over our table wearing a Johnny Cash shirt. It had to be the same guy.” She looks at me says,”You are the only person that could save Christmas and Santa. There is no way that we can disappoint every boy and girl in the world.” I just look her. I scream “Let’s save Christmas and find Santa.”
The fate of Christmas lies on my shoulders. This is going to take a lot of people. I am calling the troops in on this one.
I can’t believe that I was asked to save the big man. Chris asked me where my family was. “I have no damn clue. I embarrass them too much.” I see them out of the corner of the corner of my sitting in the food court. Did my sister actually listen to me? She is sitting there eating an Auntie Annie Pretzel. I make a B-Line right for her. As she reaches down for the pretzel, I take it from right in front of her and throw the thing half way across the mall. “There is no pretzel eating in trying to save Santa.” She was pissed to say the least. “You told me to go eat a pretzel. I go eat a pretzel and I can’t now. What in the hell is wrong with you?” “Plenty! That doesn’t help us find Santa. Now does it?” She responds with “No but….” “See, let us get our asses in gear and save this Christmas” Christine looks at us and shakes her head. I mean were siblings and siblings argue. Maybe us more than any. We are just catching up for lost time. Christine says “We need to get a move on or we aren’t going to make it. Richard, I want you think very hard about who you want to be on your team to hand out presents and who you are sending to find Santa.” “I can do that.” I say. I begin to think really hard. My face is priceless. I really hope this isn’t my O-face. If it is, I will never get laid again. New thought, I really hope I don’t poop my sel….Wait never mind, I just felt a little pellet. Fuck. Chris just started laughing. I think she is reading my thoughts. It is really scary to know that an elf you find attractive knows you pooped yourself.
Victoria asks, “How are wen going to get there when we don’t have a plane or a Santa’s sleigh.” Chris looks at her. She says “It’s easy.” All of a sudden the ground started to shake beneath us. Everything is turning to white and moving really fast. What in the hell is this? I feel like I am in an anime cartoon. All we can see is white. A giant bang and flash happened. The next thing I know, I have woke up next to Dr. Scott, Brad and Janet wearing women’s lingerie. I look over at Christine. She just looks at me. I look at everyone else. I look back at Christine.
“Chris, I think you took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.” She has a brief moment of confusion. She checks her North Pole G.P.S tracking system. “I am sorry guys. I forgot that this thing doesn’t have back roads programmed in. Oh and Richard, nice legs.” I think this elf knows how to make a girl blush. She snaps her fingers again. The ground begins to shake again. This might be one hell of a weight loss tool. Everything is turning white again. I am not used to this. I know what the inside of a pillow feels like. A giant jingle bell rings. POOF.
We are in a room. There are monitors lining the walls. There has to be a billion monitors. Each monitor has a feed to every kid in the world. This is an amazing set up and a little creepy at the same time. I mean who can watch all these monitor. Chris, said “A Man will be in here to brief you about the whereabouts of The Murph and Shaggy.” She then turned to me, “You will have the special mission.” And in a blink of the eye, she was gone. I am stuck in a room that we have no idea where it is. I am also with my family. That makes it a little scary. “When in the fuck am I going to get to shoot something?” says Jackson. I wish I had answer for that question. But I am getting panicky as fuck. I want to know what is going on. I want some answers and I want them now.
A bunch of fog starts spilling into the room. A 3 foot doors begins to open. I swear this is getting weirder by the second. A shadowy figure makes its way through the door. Victoria runs over to her mom screaming hold me. Jackson has went to ninja killing pose 11. I begin to curl up in a ball screaming the song Jesus Loves Me. This little shadowy figure begins to walk to us. He is only 3 feet tall. I am not that scared anymore. Wait a minute. The close he gets the taller he is getting. 4 feet tall. Not as nice as knowing you can beat up a 3 foot man unless you are the Murph. 5 Foot tall, Ok, this is getting a little bit more mortified. 6 foot tall. Hell no. 7 foot tall. Ok, Fuck this. I am out. He is standing right in front of us. “I am here to debrief you as to the last location of The Murph and Shaggy. I am head of the North Pole Safety and Security team. My name is Ben. I am not an elf, I was given this position after working on the floor.” First of all, awesome Big Ben. Thank you for not eating us.” I said to him. “We can’t do this just the four of us. We are going to need more help.” Ben says in a stern voice, “That is why you were handpicked by Santa to be the leader of this rescue. Remember when you thought long and hard. You thought of the team, Chris and the fact you pooped a little.
“Yes I do. Did you have to say the fact I pooped a little?”
“That would explain the smell during the time travel.” said Cody.
“I didn’t even know you were even still here Cody and Fuck you. Oh by the way, Barry says hi.”
“Quit fighting or I am going to turn you both into Barry’s man bitches.” says a pissed off Ben. “I have brought everyone you have thought of to help with this mission. We believe The Murph and Shaggy have taken Santa to the Island of Misfit Christmas Wishes. Many of you don’t know where that is. It is off the coast of the state of Alabama.”
“That explains a whole hell of a lot.” says Danielle “Bad things are always associated with Alabama.”
“The island is divided into 6 sections. Section 1 is called, Candy Cane Lane. That section will be covered by, Joe and Crystal.”
Joe and Crystal magically appear behind me. “Where are we says Crystal? Oh, Hi Richard”
I wave to them. I need to be warned before this ass poofs someone in behind me. I just kind of peed a little. I have shit and peed my pants in the same damn day.
“Section 2 is called Fruit Cake Mall. That section is going to be covered by Shauna and Brooke.”
A flash of lightning and there they were.
“Ben, you have to stop doing that. That is really fucking annoying.” I say.
“Man up Nancy. It’s going to happen every time someone is brought into this room. Grow up or I am going to tell then what you used to do alone in your mom’s room.”
“I will be quiet now.” I responded.
“Section 3 is called Egg Nog Splendor. This section is going to be gone through with a fine tooth comb by Brianna and Nick.”
Guess what, there was flash and they were there. I am thinking this might be how the big Bang Theory happened.
‘Section 4 is called Sugar Cookie Palooza. That will be covered by Victoria and Bridget.”
And Flash blah blah blah. Hello Bridget. This is starting to get predictable.
“Section 5 is called Silent Night. Jackson and Cody, this section is for you guys.”
Holy Shit. Finally a team with both people here. No flash of light. No getting scared. It’s like Christmas.
“The Final Section, is called White Christmas beach. This is where they will most likely be. It also is the furthest to get to. I have chosen Danielle, and this person.”
The door begins to part. We are looking at each other, like what the fuck. Brick House starts playing over the speakers. Are we about to get funky? In walks a white woman with a Black Spandex suit. Funny thing is she actually fit through the door. On the front of the suit is a white hair pick. I think the head of security found a superhero, instead its Danielle’s mom.
“If am going to save someone, I am going to be dressed like a Super Hero. I call myself The Anglo Fro.”
Danielle channels her inner Rock and raises her one eyebrow and just shakes her head.
“You are now ready to be sent to each of your sections.” Ben says.
He snaps his fingers, the giant flash of light happens again. Fuck that shit. I am sick of that damn light. The next thing I know, I am in this room by myself except for White Shaq. If he tells me I have a pretty mouth and hear banjos. I am going to click my heels together three times and wish I was at home.
“The time has come to tell you what you are going to be doing and who your partner is.” Ben says
A spot light comes down on the door. Holy Shit, is this the music off Jock Jams Vol. 2. This brings back some of my youth. A man walks through the door. It could be Gerard Butler from the movie 300. Sly Stallone from Rocky, Maybe even Jason Bourne. I look up. Oh it’s just Justin. That works for me. If anyone is going to be able to bail me out of a sticky situation, it’s Justin.
“The two of you will be delivering presents to all the boys and girls so that this Christmas isn’t ruined. You will be sent out to the workshop to meet the elves and meet with Christine to get your coordinates. I will self-destruct in 5…. 4….3…2…1”
“Time out” Says Justin. “Look you are not going to explode. You might fart and that is all.”
A giant burst of red light came out of nowhere. We were transported to the workshop doors. I wonder what is through these big Green and Red doors.
The Murph and Shaggy are sitting on the beach in section 7. Shaggy is smoking a fat blunt. The Murph is drinking a Red Stripe. One, they don’t have Bud Light on this island. Two, the other thing is that every time he orders one, he shouts Hooray Beer! They are wondering what they can actually do with Santa. Shaggy wants to get him high and discuss the universe. The Murph wants to throw him on a fire and see if the legends are true. He wonders if Santa will bust into Confetti.
Joe and Crystal have come to the entrance of Candy Cane Lane. On one side of the street is toy stores. On the other is candy stores. Joe asks crys, “Where do we begin?” Crystal suggested they split up. Joe go in the toy stores and she would go to the candy stores. Joe’s goes into the first toy store. Inside the store was nothing but football toys and games. He found the Arkansas Razorbacks section. I think I might have lost Joe in the search. It’s not a big deal. He was thinking of child. So selfish. Crystal went into the first candy store. She was done. Who in the hell thought it was good idea to send the girl in an all chocolate store. We have lost one group. Hopefully, the others can track them down.
Justin and I push against the big doors. They swing open to reveal Santa’s workshop. It is amazing. We are met by an elf. Her name was Tonya, she was showing us around to each station and who made the toys. Our first stop the stuffed animal section. She introduces us to Michelle and Tara. I don’t know what is going on so far but Santa has an all-female work staff. They show how each animal is made. It’s like Build-A-Bear on steroids. Tara said “Each animal is made with love.” I reply, “Love must run very quick around here.” Tonya tells us we are in a hurry and you need to meet everyone and fast if you are going to make the big run tonight. We move on to wind up toys. Justin and I at the same time say “I didn’t know they even still made windup toys.” We meet the next two elves. Their names are Katie and Trena. Two more female elves. I am really liking it here. There is women everywhere here. If I could have any thought of what heaven actually is. This is it. Tonya tells us to stop flirting. I say to Justin, “I think we might have to come up here and visit, when there is less stress.” We move on to the electronics station. I am starting like this. More female elves. This station has four very beautiful female elves. Their names are Laura, Amee, Brianne, and Megan. Justin isn’t thinking with his mind right now. He is thinking with his dick. I am starting to think with mine. Justin says to me, “I have to go to the bathroom. I can’t be around this many women without doing a nervous shit.” I know we have more important things to do but damn it. They told me I need to have a best friend in this group. If any electronics don’t work, we have to fly it back and make sure it gets fixed. Fuck. This is way too much responsibility. Tonya tells us that there is only one elf left to meet. The one who is in charge of all the financial and law. Her name is Jill. She introduces us. Justin is tongue tied. I am tongue tied. I never knew elves could be so sexy. I think I am all sex nuts and retard strong.
“The sleigh is ready to go.” says Tonya. “Christine will be going with you guys to make sure everything goes ok.”
Tonya heads back inside and leaves us to wait for Christine.
Meanwhile, Shauna and Brooke have started their search in the Fruit cake Mall. They are walking next to a fountain. The Murph and Shaggy have caught wind of the fact the search has been narrowed down to this island. One of the worst things to do is be in a mall with me. I am a little crazier than normal. They knew this fact. In Ryan’s The Murph must have grabbed a strand hair of when running by me. They used the DNA in the hair to make 300 clones of myself. Each clone can only live for an hour. Shauna and Brooke are going through the mall like nothing is going on. All of sudden they hear all the doors in the mall lock at once. They hear a weird laugh and someone scream send in the clones. An Army of Richard’s are heading right toward Shauna and Brooke. All the clones stop in one spot. 300 ME’s start into singing, Party in The U.S.A by Miley Cyrus. This has to be the worst flash mob in the world. Shauna and Brooke, can’t get out of the circle of Richard’s in the Fruit Cake Mall. We have lost two more soldiers.
The sleigh is ready to rock and roll. I am like a cooler version of Paul Revere. I think I might yell the British are Coming somewhere over Boston. The reaction could be priceless. Christine joins us. “Guys, if you are going to be Santa, you have to dress the part. Put on the suit. Who knows you might look cute!” She got my ego boosted. That is all we really needed is a bigger ego before the night begins. I put on the suit. I come out of the changing room. Chris looks at me. “You might be the sexiest Santa in the history of man.” This elf knows how to make a girl blush. Justin throws up a little in his mouth. I get behind the reins. I am in the front with the lovely Christine and Justin is in the back wearing a Nerf protection suit.
“Now on Dancer, and prancer, and Comet and Cupid, Donner and Blitzen, Rudolph with your nose so bright won’t you guide my sleigh to night.” I say to get the takeoff right. We go from 0- to Mach 2 in a flash. I should have had all that food from Ryan’s. We are off and away.
Nick and Brianna are in Egg Nog Splendor. This is where, I would have love to go if I had to visit any of the sections. This is like walking into Willy Wonka. Two Differences, Booze and no short people who sing. Nick and Bri got to every bar looking for The Murph since he loves to drink. Club after club, bar after bar no luck. The last bar they went to. The bar tender remembers the Murph. He tells them that there was a guy with him, which looked like Woodstock threw up. Nick and Bri knew it was Shaggy. They are in the right direction. What they didn’t know? Is that the Murph and Shaggy paid off the bartender to get them really drunk. The bar keeps giving Bri and Nick Screwdriver after Screwdriver.
One problem with this liquor, it was absinthe. That shit will make hallucinate. Nick and Bri were standing in a corner talking to what they thought was an elf. It was just a statue of Mr. Peanut. We have lost another two. This is getting bad.
Chris told us that we don’t have to go down many chimneys. The only houses we need to worry about are apartments. All we have to do is just drop the presents from the sleigh. This isn’t that bad. I am getting used to this. Justin has to poop. We are going to have to make a small bathroom stop. We are somewhere over the middle of Nebraska. We are going to stop at a truck stop. This is going to look weird to have a sleigh parked in the lot next to a damn Peterbuilt. I walk in with Justin. Chris stays out in the sleigh. I ask Justin if I should go flirt with her. Justin told me, “I will take an extra-long shit just for you man.” Justin goes into the Men’s W/C. I bought Chris and myself some hot chocolate. I go back outside. I sit down next to her. I start a small conversation. I ask her if she is single. She said, “Yes, I am. Richard, why do you ask?”
“Cause I think you are one of the prettiest women I have ever met.”
She blushed. “Aww. Thank you. You are very cute yourself.”
Justin came back out from making his nightly poo. He also just fucking cock blocked me. What an ass!
In Sugar Cookie Palooza, Bridget and Victoria are searching for Santa with no luck at all. Every House is made with cookies. Victoria’s eyes lighten up like the tree in my living room. Victoria literally started eating people home. Who doesn’t love cookies? The people who owned these homes were not at home until each Sugar Cookie Home Owner was called by a drunk man and a stoner. Shaggy and The Murph were laughing in the Murph Mobile after making that call. The people who lived in the house came back to find her eating their front door. Victoria and Bridget take off running. The homeowners mob come running after them carrying a bowl and a mixing pan. Finally they ran out of gas. They were finally caught by the cookie owners. They are going to be forced to make a new cookie parts to the house. We have lost out section 4 people!
Jackson and Cody are walking through Section 5. They are too confused as to why there is nothing in this section. The only thing here is a supermarket, a theme park and graveyard. Jackson wanted to go through the graveyard. Cody, wrote up some thought bubbles because he didn’t want to talk since Jackson kept making fun of him. They are reading the names on the graves. It’s all the character of the classic Christmas movies. They both think its weird seeing the graves of Character’s like Frosty the Snowman, George Bailey, Charlie Brown. Placed on his grave was a football. Jackson picks it up. He tells Cody he should try to kick it. Jackson puts the ball on the ground. Cody jogs back. The ball is set Cody comes running. THUMP!! Jackson pulls up the football and Cody goes flying like Lucy in the cartoon. Cody pulls out a piece of paper that has a thought bubble on it. It says F*ckin A$#Hole. In the back ground, a truck comes flying up. It’s The Murph and Shaggy. They start running towards them yelling give us back Santa. Shaggy pulls out a glowing vile. He throws straight up in the air Murph and Shaggy jump back in the truck and speed off. A Giant glow comes streaking through the air. Jackson yells “What the Fuck was that? It was like the jizz of one of the X-Men.” The graves started shooting up into the air. Right where was Jackson was standing the hand of Charlie Brown comes up out of the grave and grabs his leg. Jackson looks at Cody and begins to smile. “Cody, it’s the moment we have always waited for. It’s the Zombie Apocalypse.” Cody uses a thought bubble that says Hell to the Fucking yeah. All the old Christmas characters are coming out of the ground. Charlie Brown, Frosty the Snowman and Virginia from Miracle on 34th Street. They pull out their Zombie Killing weapons. Cody has a Pizza cutter and Jackson has a butane Lighter and a can of cheap hairspray. Cody cuts off the head of a zombie Charlie Brown. He looks down at the even deader Zombie. Cody says, “You’re just a chip off the ole block.” Jackson lights the Butane lighter and make a makeshift torch. He melts a dead Frosty. Jackson says “Thumpity Thump Thump, Look at Frosty die.” they are going to have to fight off the Zombie their self. We are just down to two people to try to stop The Murph and Shaggy.
We only have a few houses left to deliver at. This has went as smoothly as possible except the fact of Justin taking a massive shit every few hours. I can’t believe all this happening just because I wanted to meet Santa and ask for my health. I have made a lot of kids very happy tonight. I hope maybe a certain elf will return the favor for me tonight. We are flying over last house in all the countries in the world except one place. The only place we haven’t delivered is The Island of Misfit Christmas Wishes. Maybe, just maybe if we fly overhead we can spot The Murph and Shaggy.
The Anglo Fro and Danielle are trying to figure out a way to get closer to the White Christmas Beach. Danielle is ashamed that her mom is dressed like a rejected Super hero. She is thinking she can’t go anywhere with her looking like this. What would be a great way to make her blend in? A voice in the background yells “White Christmas Beach Tours leaving right now!” Danielle grabs her the Anglo Fro by the arm. Come with me we are getting on that bus. The get on the double decker bus. The tour guide says “Please take you seats.” They aren’t two seats together. Danielle tells the Super Hero in Training to go sit by the group of Asian tourists. Danielle finds a seat that is next to this guy.
The Murph and Shaggy are sitting at their beach house. The Murph of course is drinking his weight in beer. Shaggy is token it up bong style. They are threatening Santa with a hand gun and the hot bong glass. Santa is tied up on the toilet. He keeps shouting at them. “fbiawipjfbikjaefbasikgfKJVBfAJBFpjasBgpbjfpsjbgvpbj” I am not sure what that means either, he is gagged. They think there is only 5 teams to stop them. What the two of them haven’t counted on, was the Anglo Fro and Danielle.
The Asian tourists ask The Anglo Fro if they can take pictures with her. They have never seen a real life American Super Hero before. Good thing they don’t know any better. The guy sitting next to Danielle has started a conversation about all his vacations. “This one time, on this one island, I met this one girl, we went swimming.” Danielle is doing the head nodding thing. She is trying to be polite. “What brings you to White Christmas Beach?” he asks. Danielle replies “If I tell you, I would have to kill you.” “That reminds me of this one on this island far away from here.” He says. “I walked down on the beach and there was a cat sitting in a chair with sunscreen on his nose.” Danielle is getting more and more annoyed by the second. He keeps going on and on. Story after story. The bus comes to a stop in front of the hotel on White Christmas Beach. He keeps talking to her after they get off the bus. She tries to walk away but he keeps following her like a lost puppy. “This one time at a drive in on an island.” Danielle has had enough. She picks him up WWE style. Gets him over her head and throws him a good 30 yards. The Asians come running up to her wanting pics. The think she is the Incredible Hulk. I bet the Arizona Cardinals are jealous of that arm.
We are flying over the island. We cannot land on the island or bad things will happen to Santa’s reindeer. The Murph would shoot them and use their skins to keep warm while eating reindeer jerky. We can’t lose them. We see the Murph Mobile from the sky. It is in the middle of Butt Fuck Egypt. The only way for them to get there would be to have some wheels. I call up Danielle and the Anglo Fro. We give them their exact location.
“We will need a vehicle to get out there” Danielle says.
I turn to Chris. She looks at me. She knew what I was thinking. We dropped the biggest present of the evening.
The Anglo Fro opens the big gift to find a 1995 Pontiac Fire Bird in red. The hood an awesome ornament. It was a hair pick. The Fro Mo is what she is going to call it. The Anglo Fro gets into the front seat. She honks to get Danielle away from the tourists. She comes over and see the car.
“How in the fuck is my fat ass supposed to fit in that little car” Says Danielle. She is getting in the car. It’s so low to the ground. They take off for the beach house. They pull up. The Anglo Fro gets out of the car smoking a Misty Light. Danielle gets out of the car. She looks up at us watching over head. We can hear her yell fuck you from the sky. That is fucking impressive. The Murph and Shaggy hear this. They jump up run outside. They see who it is
“They sent an old woman and a fat ass to stop us.” Says The Murph.
“Excuse me! You can shut the hell up you skinny little fucker.” Danielle exclaimed
“I don’t have all day doll face” says the Murph
The Anglo Fro looks at them. “You need to give up or you are going to piss me off.”
Shaggy puts down his gun. “I am done. Fuck This. I just wanted to smoke a joint with Santa. It was on my hippie Style bucket list.”
“Fuck you Pussy, I am going down with a blaze of glory.”
I call Danielle. You have to outsmart The Murph. It’s not that hard. Tell him they serve Bud Light in jail.
Danielle takes my advice. She tells them they serve Bud Light in jail. Before he was finished The Murph moved so fast, he was already in the cop car and half way to prison. The Anglo Fro runs inside to untie Santa. They start gazing at each other. It is a very awkward moment of silence. Santa tells her that she looks amazing in the Super Hero costume. She whispers in his ear “Come Stuff my Stocking Santa.” Danielle walks inside the house. She is to only be scared by the sight of Her Mom kissing and doing other things to Santa. Thank god I was in the air and couldn’t see that.
Christine snapped her finger and everybody sent my team back home including Justin.
“Do you want to go back to the North Pole?” She says
“I would love to.” I said.
We fly the sleigh back to the North Pole and park it after this really long night. We go to sit on a bench outside to watch the sunrise. I put my arm around her.
“Thank you for choosing me to save Christmas. I may not have got my wish but I loved it just as well.” I say to her
“It will be ok, Richard. I promise.” She leans into kiss me. I start hearing a beeping noise. It just keeps getting louder and louder. I close my eyes. Our lips begin to touch. We slowly pull away from each other.
When I open my eyes, I am back in the bedroom. This couldn’t be a dream, could it? What day is it? I grab my laptop to check the time and the date. Its Christmas morning. I have slept this long. Holy Shit. I must have not been feeling well at all. That was a long dream. I walk out in to the living room. The tree is up and there is only one present under there. It’s an envelope. I go over to look at it. It has my name on it. I remove the sticker that was holding it closed. I open it open up and begin to read.
Thank you for everything and you can see Chris anytime.
HO HO HO Merry Christmas
It was real!!!! The whole thing was real! I may have not received what I truly didn’t want, I got more. I was able to smile. And that made it the perfect Christmas.