Dear Number One User of Plexus Slim,

I feel that giving an introduction is pretty much a moot point. You know that we have to go through this song and dance every year and the result is still the same. You are fat. I wish that you could see yourself without a shirt on. You look like the fat uncle from Casper. Well, since we have to do this to keep a job around here and I have nothing better to do, here is my list. Again, I have no idea why I am writing this to you. I feel like this is the same as a fan writing Kanye West. He is never going to respond, and he is never going to care. So back to writing one fictional character to another. I have been naughty… Blah blah….. Coal…. Blah blah blah….. Christmas….. Cookies…… Sugar death. I think that about sums that up. This year I am going to ask for a couple of things that stray from the normal of each year. Besides the death of most of the writers on this website and, I want to get into that Eloise’s pants. I feel that she could use a little Dan inside her. I could bring her some holiday cheer in a way that her “master” never could. I know you have heard of people saying they were hung like a stocking, her master is hung like a Keebler Elf. Oh, and thank you for finally getting rid of Whitney. Herpes is a magical gift that will keep on giving. The other thing I am asking for is the death of Richard. I want it to happen in a way that no one could ever prove that he was killed. Hire fucking Dexter. That guy could get away with murder. Hint. Hint. I think that sums up everything I want for Christmas. Look, there is one thing that I do want. Whose dick do I have to suck to get a damn Slinky? It’s not that difficult to get a damn spring. I do not care if you have to take it off of a homeless shelter bed, it can’t be that difficult. Make it happen, or I am going to make Mrs. Claus have another pole inside of her.

Love your most hated rival,

Stick figure Dan