Dear Number One User of Plexus Slim,

I feel that giving an introduction is pretty much a moot point. You know that we have to go through this song and dance every year and the result is still the same. You are fat. I wish that you could see yourself without a shirt on. You look like the fat uncle from Casper. Well, since we have to do this to keep a job around here and I have nothing better to do, here is my list. Again, I have no idea why I am writing this to you. I feel like this is the same as a fan writing Kanye West. He is never going to respond, and he is never going to care. So back to writing one fictional character to another. I have been naughty… Blah blah….. Coal…. Blah blah blah….. Christmas….. Cookies…… Sugar death. I think that about sums that up. This year I am going to ask for a couple of things that stray from the normal of each year. Besides the death of most of the writers on this website and, I want to get into that Eloise’s pants. I feel that she could use a little Dan inside her. I could bring her some holiday cheer in a way that her “master” never could. I know you have heard of people saying they were hung like a stocking, her master is hung like a Keebler Elf. Oh, and thank you for finally getting rid of Whitney. Herpes is a magical gift that will keep on giving. The other thing I am asking for is the death of Richard. I want it to happen in a way that no one could ever prove that he was killed. Hire fucking Dexter. That guy could get away with murder. Hint. Hint. I think that sums up everything I want for Christmas. Look, there is one thing that I do want. Whose dick do I have to suck to get a damn Slinky? It’s not that difficult to get a damn spring. I do not care if you have to take it off of a homeless shelter bed, it can’t be that difficult. Make it happen, or I am going to make Mrs. Claus have another pole inside of her.

Love your most hated rival,

Stick figure Dan

About the author

Stick Figure Dan

Stick Figure Dan is the resident loud foul mouthed prick of The Buzz Kill. He is a loud mouth who will say anything at any given moment. He hates the world and everything in it. Dan came into the society as a writer in 2007 and hasn’t looked back since. He likes to write open letters to famous people, putting them in their place.