I always get excited around this time of the year and who wouldn’t. The food, the presents, and all the trees decorated in beautiful colors that would gave a dog a confusing seizure. Christmas is very special to me. For the last three years, I had to rescue the big guy from the North Pole. I think he is getting kidnapped just as much as the princess from the Mario Kingdom. If there ever was a damsel in distress it would be ole Santa Claus. Well, this year is going to be different. I promise you this year is going to be different. I am even going to throw in a plot twist right from the beginning of it all. Santa does not get kidnapped this year. Yes, that is right, believe it or not. I wonder if I now owe Dean Cain some royalties for saying that. I have already given a huge plot hole right from the beginning but if you think this is going to be filled with the things that snowmen are made of, you are wrong.

365 days ago, I would have never thought I would be in the position that I am in now. I am no longer a loner just trying to rescue Santa. I am now a happily married man who is also now a father. Let me tell you, having a kid even if the child is not biologically yours, you still get to have the joys of being a parent. I bet you are asking yourself, “I wonder if she works at the North Pole?” I have given up women who enchanted. If you ever find yourself in a position of dating someone that is able to do magic, you better be going to Hogwarts or fornicating on World of Warcraft. I finally just settled to have the best Christmas ever. I think it is going to be quiet this year. I think those are famous last words muttered by fools.

My wife decided to wake me up every early in the morning. I lied. I am sorry, for me early in the morning is 4 in the afternoon. Nyquil, will do things to you that is just explainable by the human experience. The reason she woke me up from my slumber was to buy Christmas presents. After the events of the last three years, I am scared to walk outside the door or move from the room with no windows. She kept trying and trying and eventually after some oral persuasion. Get your heads out of the gutter. That is filthy, she offered me some hot wings. I decided to brave the cold and go to the most hated place in the world.

It’s time to play the Christmas Feud. We surveyed 100 people, and the top answer is on the board. Besides going to your family’s house for Christmas, name the most hated place to go around the Holidays.

“WALMART!!!”

Survey says Number 1 answer.

Buzz StoreI get to walk in the land of low prices and Duck Dynasty beards. I have to say if you have anyone that is any type of redneck in your family, these guys have made your Christmas shopping much easier. We start to head down the toy isle. At this moment, I have turned into a Solid Snake from the Metal Gear franchise.  I am peaking around each corner. Hell, I am even rolling to make sure that if there happens to be a character from the North Pole, I am not going to be caught. All those years of watching James Bond movies are starting to pay off and Mom said you can’t learn anything from the television. I just expected something to happen. I just know how this works. I am doing something Christmas related and all of a sudden, BAM. There Here. I am getting whisked away to the North Pole and no one sees me for more than 13 days. I do not want that happening again. Maybe I should take up loving some Duck Dynasty and start wearing Camo. No one notices a man wearing Camo. We grab all the toys we can get. We grab all the clothes we can get and no sign of anything happening this year. Have I finally been able to get through a Christmas without something happening? If I die in this story, please put those exact words on my tombstone.

My wife, Lisa wants to know if I wanted to go to Hobby Lobby. Is it safe to tell my wife, no? I would rather be at home in safety hiding under a fort made of blankets in hopes that Saint Nicholas will not be there. We pull up as soon as we pull up, there is a man dressed like an elf ringing a bell. I knew it. They are trying to get me to go to the North Pole again. I swear to the good lord, if this is all just a ruse to get me to save Christmas again, I am kicking an elf right in the gingerbread man. We are walking up to the doors of the store when the elf turns on me and just gives me a look. I do not know a better way to describe the look other than the fact he wanted to tell me what is about to happen. “I AM NOT GOING.” I yelled and took off right for the elf. I want you to picture a fat guy in a Santa Hat, chasing a grown ass man around dressed like an elf. The only thing missing from this scene was the Benny Hill music. My wife, which I should tell everyone…. Can kick my ass, tackles me like a quarterback in an NFL game. She grabs the collar of my Green Lantern shirt, “That man is just trying to get donations for the Salvation Army. What in the hell has gotten into you?” I really do not want to tell her what has happened with me and past Christmases. She is either going to look at me and snicker or just laugh her ass off. Either way, I feel like telling her about my Christmas stories is just a moot situation. My wife loves Christmas but does not believe in Santa Claus. I feel telling her that her 29 year old husband has rescued Santa in the past three years is going to get me nowhere.  Needless to say, I helped the man up and gave a decent amount to the Salvation Army. My main reason for doing this was for the fact a grown elf would not sue the tights off me.

The cost has been clear all day. No craziness, well except chasing the elf but that can be expected at this time of the year. My wife and I stop to grab some fast food. I am paranoid that something is still going to happen to me. We are in the drive thru at Burger King. The lady takes our order through the speaker. Still no strange moments. I feel this is by far going to be the best Christmas, well the quietest Christmas I have had in years. (If you have not picked up on the foreshadowing, I am foreshadowing. It is simple story logic.) We got our food and started the drive home. I felt like I needed to come clean about what has happened to me at Christmas.

I looked at Lisa with a dead serious face and said the exact words, “Santa Claus is real. I was in the North Pole for the last three years. I have had to save the big man from dangers that no one could think of. Granted, I was the mastermind behind one of those. I was able to become friends with Santa.” Lisa was just kind of sitting there with a reindeer in the headlights look. She looked confused. She whipped her around and looked at me. She just busted out into one of those laughs that would make anyone ashamed of anything. I have always wanted to know what my most embarrassing moment was going to be. I think at that moment of time I realized exactly what was. She couldn’t stop laughing. The laughing went on for the two mile drive home. This was the longest drive of my life, and I have been stuck in traffic in Los Angeles.

We pull into the parking garage. The trip was one of the simplest trips I have ever had, with the exception of the uncontrollable laughing that went on for a good sound 20 minutes. My giggling wife and I grabbed the gifts from the back seat of the car. We take the stairs up to our apartment. Put the key in the door and I let out a giant sigh of relief. This year is going to be a Christmas spent at home. No commotions nothing. “Where can I put the gifts?” I asked my wife. She responded “put them in the bedroom so I can begin wrapping them and putting them under the tree.” I carried the bags full of wonderful toys and candy to the bedroom.

I figured to celebrate the wonderful holiday season I was about to spend with my new family, I was going to fix me a cup of Hot Chocolate and watch my favorite Christmas movie, A Christmas Story. I walked back into the living room. The first thing on the list to do, was turn on the Christmas tree. I walked over to the tree and plugged in the lights. As I got up, I felt a cold breeze come blowing through the apartment. I figured it was just the fact that the window was left open. I turn around to make some wonderful hot chocolate with milk. I am sorry but trying to drink hot chocolate with water is terrible. I would rather drink cherry cough syrup. As I was putting some whip cream in my hot chocolate, I felt another cold breeze swift through the apartment. I turned around to see three presents sitting under the tree. One was white, one was red and the last one was green. I knew my wife said she could wrap gifts like no one else but I never thought she was that fast. I went to the bedroom, and before I could even ask her if she had already wrapped some gifts, “What do you think of the first one I have finished?” I stood with a confused look on my face. I said it was an amazing job. I grabbed the gift and headed for the tree.

Untitled-3I was confused like a bisexual in an orgy. Where did these other gifts come from? I just plugged in the tree and nothing was there. I turn around and poof. The thought started to run in my head, something was about to change my whole Christmas. All I wanted was just one quiet Christmas with my new family, in a new town, a new beginning. Why is the past following me here? The white gift started to glow. “Someone got us a disco ball, which is a bad ass gift.” I picked it up and there was a note on it addressed to me. “Open Today!” Well, I am not going to turn down opening a gift early by no means. Come on Disco ball!!!! I removed the top of the box. My heart started to pound. I knew what was in this gift was going to change my life forever. The lid is removed. I am sifting through that annoying tissue paper that one gets with a gift.  Maybe it is a bowling alley? It is a remote control. I know I am in love with television but even I have to say that is a pretty shitty gift. There is another note in with the remote. “Please turn to channel 42!!!” Ah shit. I know that network and it’s…..

“Megyn Kelly here with Fox News. This is a breaking story. The Caucasian man known as Santa Claus has been arrested. The accounts brought upon him is a mile long but we will note the big three. Santa has been charged with 40,000,000,000 counts of breaking and entering. He is also being charged with reckless driving and finally he is being brought up on child pornography charges. The group known as MASC (Mother’s Against Santa Claus) are the ones who brought up charges against the so called white jolly guy. Please stay tuned to Fox News for the latest on this story.”

I dropped the remote control. I couldn’t believe my eyes what I have just witnessed. There is no way this can be true. All of a sudden there is a knock at my front door. “I will get it.” I made sure that my wife wouldn’t answer the door. I open the door and there is standing a man in a White and Red suit of Camo with a beret on. “Hello, I am with Santa’s Secret Service. Are you Richard?” He said in a very stern voice that put the fear of God in my heart. “How can I say no to someone who could kill me 20 different ways with a plastic spoon?” “I am specialist Orden. I have a note from the big guy himself.”

Dear Richard,

As you know I have already been arrested on charges that are ludicrous and false. I need you now more than any. You can save Christmas once again but the past three years have been a cake walk compared to what decision you are going to have to make this year. Specialist Orden will give all the details of your mission. Richard, you are my only hope.

Santa

I really wish he could have broken down after reading that last part and let a droid read it. It would be awesome to feel like Obi Wan.

“Here are your options, Richard. If Santa can’t be saved, there will never be a Christmas again. No boy or girl will ever get to smile when opening a gift again. No Trees, No Cookies, No Family. Just another day.” Orden was about to say the next line before he was interrupted.

“I will do anything to save Christmas.” I exclaimed without missing a beat.

“I wish you would have let me finished. The only way you can save Christmas, is to erase the last three years. All the friends you have made, all the people you have the opportunity to meet and this does include your wife will have never happened.”

I started to cry. This decision is not one you could make in a split second.

“It has to be made in this split second, Richard” Orden says as he knows he is reading my mind.

I went to the door of the bedroom and looked at my wife. Can I get rid of all this happiness to save Christmas? Why does it have to be me making this tough decision?

“Specialist Orden, my decision is……..”

Stay tuned for Part 2 of The Final Present during the 13 Days of Christmas