If you missed part 2 click HERE
“Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today not to mourn the loss of a life but to celebrate it instead.”
Specialist Orden and I just had a very difficult argument. I am not sure if anything is truly worth this. I know that missing someone is difficult but missing someone that will never be part of my life again. I will never see my friends once this is done. I will never see my family once this is done. Why am I even trying to make this even happen anyway? I have given up so much already.
“I can see a figure walking towards us. By the time I have on my watch the person walking up the trail is you. This is it. It is now or never.” Specialist Orden says to me. I am not sure how I am going to do this. How do I just take a letter from Santa that is addressed to a very depressed me. I wish for that one moment in time, the memory eraser thing from Men in Black was a real item. I could just flash myself and hope for the best. Wait a damn second? The first time I confused the hell out of myself I was wearing a Wedding dress and that two years in the future from now. I know how I will never read that letter. I am going to run out naked, grab the letter, and that will be the end of it all. If I am going out in a weird way, I might as well do it in the same way that I was able to come in. Nude.
Judge Thicke has now heard testimony from each person from every story that has happened and every character that has any association with the holiday Christmas. Judge Thicke was about to ask for closing arguments when the Easter Bunny had a different idea. “Judge Thicke. I am about to blow this case wide open. I am about to prove the guilt of Kris Kringle or I will never eat another Cadbury Egg ever again.” The audience sitting in complete silence for a while perked up as if this was the final 2 minutes of a football game. They began to cheer. These are some sick literary bastards. “The prosecution would like to call Jolly Ole Saint Nick to the stand.” The audience had to gasp as their sign told them to do as much. I feel if the sign had said to twerk that it would have happened as well. Santa Claus gets up and takes the stand. The courtroom is a complete hush as he is walking over to the stand.
“Santa, will you tell the truth and the whole truth so help you god?” Santa strokes his long white beard and delivers a very unsure, “I do.” Santa can feel the rumble of cookies and milk in his stomach. He knows that if anyone can set him free, it can be himself. Little did he know that four years in the past, someone was trying to save him!
“It is so cold out here tonight!! Are you sure the boys can handle it? Looks like they have migrated south for the winter.” Specialist Orden makes a joke while laughing.
“Aren’t you funny? I do not see you coming up with any other bright ideas, Captain Crunch. Why don’t you just stand here and see how someone can get a job done. I am hoping that once this over, I will be done with you and I can end all this pain that I am causing myself.” I take off running at the exact moment I was going to catch the letter. I can see four year ago self-become very scared that a grown naked man that looks just like him is coming at him at full speed. In a moment that I never thought would ever happen. I took off running around in a circle screaming like an idiot. I have never seen someone so scared in my life. I feel that this is what rock bottom must feel like. I am chasing myself naked in hope to catch a letter from a man who could wind up on To Catch A Predator. Merry Christmas.
“Santa, tell us something. If you see them when you are sleeping, and they know when they are awake, the question I am proposing, have you ever seen a child naked?”
Santa has sweat running down his chubby face. This is a question that if he answers wrong could doom his entire life. Santa leans forward and says, “No. I have not.”
“Is that the truth St. Nick?” The Easter Bunny Asks in a very stern voice. Santa couldn’t say a word. It was if he was frozen in a second of time that he may never be able to escape. The Bunny gets this grin that was much shit eating. He walked back over to the table. “No further questions your honor.”
“Santa you may step down.” Judge Thicke says. He then turns to the jury, right as he opens his mouth, “I have one more star witness your honor.” The bunny claims excitingly. “This is your last witness and this case will be left to the jury afterwards.”
The Easter Bunny stands up puts his thumbs in his vest. “Your honor. Members of the jury, the last witness I have to call up to the stand is one that was not on any list. He is a man that has been murdered in ways that no person ever should. I want you all to know that he is not dead. He is alive and about to walk into this courtroom. I call……… Jack Skellington, The Pumpkin King!” The doors to the courtroom come busting wide open and in walks Jack. The audience begins to chatter amongst themselves. They are in disbelief as to what is happening.
My naked ass chased myself off. The letter is just about to hit the ground when I grab it and as soon as I do my clothes right back on. It is colder than a blind man’s tit out here. I look at Specialist Orden, “As soon as I do this, it is all done. No more having to stress if happiness will ever be in my life again. I may never get to see anyone again but I know I have done the right thing for the planet but not for myself. Once I burn this letter, I am done. I do not want to remember any of this. I am not going to be left with the pain of erasing the last four years of life. I have always dreamed of having a family and it is gone. I was just getting to know new friends and that have been taken from me. What do I have left, Specialist? I have my health, which is a damn joke. My life has no meaning. I have lost the stories that save Christmas. They do not even exist now. This letter burns and so does the life that I have made. The life that I have tried so hard to build back up after the losing it all. I thought it was close to being saved but instead just like the letter it is going to go up in flames.”
I pull the lighter out of my pocket. I begin to light it. I forgot to turn down the flame. Maybe I shouldn’t have borrowed this from a drug dealer. I put the letter in the flame and watch as it starts to burn. A weird light began to go across the night sky. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The things that I knew and love started to disappear around me. The past me running around in circles was gone in a flash of light. At that moment, history began to erase itself. All the stories of the North Pole have just become that. A story that sounds like someone made up to say to people. The family that I have grown to love over the years have now just become a distant memory in the rear view mirror. All the antics of going through all the worlds of Christmas movies and specials, just a dream and finally the love that was felt turned to ash and lying on the ground. The one thing that I can take from all of this is that I was able to give Christmas to every boy and girl across the world. I turned around to Specialist Orden and he was gone. I have never been as confused as to what is going on. Why would he just disappear like that? I just take off walking down the trail to my old house. I knew it was going to be empty but hey, I needed to go somewhere because it was Christmas Eve. I looked up to see Santa fly over my head delivering gifts to all the good boys and girls. I knew what I had done tonight was right for the world. All that was left was to exorcise the demons that have been consuming my heart and soul for a while.
I get to my old house. The house is abandoned. I was able to take the key from the past self that I was able to scare while being naked. I am still not sure if that is something to be proud of but why not. I open the door and find a huge surprise. There is a Christmas tree sitting in the living room. It is decorated the same as the one from the future. Under the tree are the other two gifts. The second gift started to glow. I picked it up and read what was on the card. “Open at this moment and all will be explained.” I thought to myself why the hell not. There isn’t anything that could I lose. I have already lost so much. I remove the lid and a giant white poof of light happens. I am sick of this. I really wish they would warn a brother when this is going to happen. I am starting to think they want me to die of radiation poisoning.
I teleport to a room that I have never seen before. Inside this room was the sleigh with the flux capacitor that took us through all the Christmas stories in the last two years. Sitting across the room is the TARDIS from Doctor Who. I may be really confused but turning into a fangirl for a slit second completely worth it. I turn around and there is Specialist Orden. “Why did you leave me back there?”
“I knew that you have been really depressed for the past couple of months. I knew that 2013 has had its ups and its downs. Life has not been easy but that gives no right to think that people’s life would be better without you. I am not really part of Santa’s Secret Service. I am actually a guardian angel who watches over you and a couple of others. I have been tired of seeing the paint that has been in your eyes, and just knowing that the thought of taking your own life was not worth it. I wanted to save you by showing you what would happen if you had not been here.”
My eyes begin to swell. “I know that this cannot be easy to hear but how is putting Santa on trial and possibly losing Christmas for all making life any better? Maybe I am cynical here but everyone seemed happier with me not in the picture.”
Specialist Orden just kind of laughed under his breath. “It was all made up to see what you would do. Take a look at the giant monitors and really see what was going on Earth.”
I look at the screen and the image that is shown is something that absolutely took my breath away.
“The press conference that you were able to see people forget why they were there, I altered what really happened. I hid from you the fact that people have searched for days to see if they could find you. But you had to do the most selfish thing that a man can do. Put everyone in a state of panic because you were not happy. They never did find what you were going to do. I just want you to know that everyone and that is including all your friends from the North Pole were there to search for you. You are special to all of us and we needed to show you that somehow. That is where Santa came in. He turned himself in and created the charges against himself to see if you would save him one more time. I think he made the right decision, well, it’s not over yet. I know you will save him. So here is your second chance in life. Dare you sure that you want to give it all up to see everyone’s heartache. All those people forgetting who you were exactly what would happen if you were to end it all.”
“Can you send me home?” I asked hoping that I could see my wife. I feel that I have been not me lately and Specialist pointed that out to me. I think I needed to hear that. Specialist Orden, shook his head yes and in a poof, I was right back in my home on the exact day that I disappeared. I am hoping that this is a second chance to make life better. The fountain of tears starts flowing out of my eyes like a faucet. I ran straight into where my wife was wrapping gifts and didn’t even care what or who the gift was since I was going to hug her and never let her go. That is exactly what I did, until she told me to make her a sandwich. I don’t think it has ever felt so good to be home.
Christmas is a very special time of the year where we all can be happy and spend time with the ones we love. I almost gave that all up this year because of loss but I would cause the same burden that others are going through. Love is the best gift you can truly get someone. I want you take this time to say Merry Christmas to the ones you love because in a heartbeat they could be gone. Try to live each day as it could be your last Christmas. You never know whose life you could touch. I bet you are wondering what that final present was? It was the gift of life. The memories, the happiness, the ups, and the downs, will always get to be felt.
Oh, the funeral. I completely forgot all about that. You see while we were in that room with the sleigh and The TARDIS, specialist Orden reminded that I needed to prove to Santa that I was not going to do the worse. Each year I took the sleigh, I want to take the TARDIS. I am sorry but you would take it too wouldn’t you?
The noise of the TARDIS starts to bellow through the courtroom. The noise brings everyone to attention. Characters knew something was up. Good old Jack Skellington, was being his typical ass of a self.
“What’s This? There is magic in the air! What’s This? Santa’s going to Jail!!!”
At that moment the TARDIS landed on Jack Skellington killing him instantly for the third year in a row. You would think someone would take life insurance out on this guy. I open the doors of the TARDIS, of course wearing a Fez, “Santa baby and this is how the second story fits into all of this”
Santa got up and walked over to me. “You are always welcome at the North Pole.” Santa says while giving me a very uncomfortably long man hug. It was really creepy.
“I am pissed. Jack owed me some money after betting on the finale of The Voice.” Alan Thicke said.
“Alan, when in times of trouble I always think WWATD? What Would Alan Thicke Do and he would say…” as I said setting up the best moment of Christmas.
Alan Thicke Stands up and shouts at the top of his lungs, “SHOW ME THAT SMILE AGAIN!!!!!”
The whole courtroom instead of singing a heartfelt Christmas classic, we sang the theme to Growing Pains.
Everyone lived Happily Ever After. Ladies and Gentleman, The end.
We hope you had an Amazing Christmas and stick with us here at The Buzz Kill Magazine.