Earlier this year, I became the luckiest man in the world. No, I was not delivering the biggest speech of my life at Yankee Stadium but I found the woman of my dreams. On August 26th, we were married in front of our preacher’s husband and the old lady next door. The day will go down as the happiest day of my life. I found the one woman who makes me happy. However, I know for some of you that the search is still ongoing and I am guessing that you will need a little help in your journey. This is why for the first time in over a year, I present to you The UnWritten Rules Of Dating (Christmas special.) I know the holidays can be a lonely time as you get to play third wheel to all of your friends who are couples but we are to help. If you take these rules down, you can have all the dates that your little heart desires for the Christmas season and maybe get lucky on New Year’s Eve. There will be a test at this end of semester, so be ready.
Rule #1225: I know you are sitting there wondering what you are going to be doing for the big day. Your plans were to go home for Christmas and spend it with the family that you always talk bad about. However, your parents have decided that this is the year for that honeymoon they have always wanted but never got a chance to take. Look, I know it sounds bleak and yes, they blame you. You have a date a couple of weeks before Christmas. You are hoping that the date goes amazingly well because you could get lucky enough to go spend Christmas with your date. There is one thing you can’t do on that date. YOU CAN’T INVITE YOURSELF IF THE DATE GOES WELL!!!! Everything is going wonderful and the conversation turns to what the Christmas plans are. You find out about her awesome plans to be with her family and wear footie pajamas. You get to tell her about your ramen noodle binge eating and catching up on season 6 of True Blood. Odds are that even after you tell your sad story, she is not going to invite you. Calm down. You are not being rejected, would you take someone you hardly know to meet your family? I am guessing you said yes, but Christmas is different. The whole family is going to be there. Here is what you do and you will not sound as desperate. Everyone’s Christmas celebration will end at a reasonable time. Invite them to your place. Get some hot chocolate, find a couple of cheesy Christmas movies and just have a Christmas that could lead into something more. This way they do not feel bad about you being a giant loser. Plus, there wouldn’t be any pressure.
Rule 1212: Speaking of first impressions, go back to that first date a couple of weeks before Christmas. There is a sure fire way to mess up any chances you have with anyone, unless they love Christmas as much as me but they are hard to find. Most people would show up with a flower, maybe a little chocolate, but whatever you do, do not show up with his and her Christmas Stockings. I love eating candy out of a tube sock like the next guy but giving a first date a Christmas stocking is forcing a relationship where no thought possibly has been given to the idea. They are going to say how cute it is. In their head they are going to be thinking that you are going to hog tie them and place them under the tree for to open on Xmas. The only stockings on a first date at Christmas should on the girl or the drag queen.
Rule 1224: Guys this rule is for you. Say that you have been with a girl for about a month. For some couples this would be whether the decision to stay together or end would come but its Christmas. Christmas means the two of you are going to have a present for each other. You are having a tough time trying to decide what to get the beautiful new lady in your life. If you are not sure what to get her, let me give you some advice on what not to get her. Jewelry. If Kryptonite is what kills Superman’s powers, a diamond would act the same way for a woman. Guys you are setting yourself up for failure. The reason I bring this up is because, now say you end up dating this woman for years. Your gifts have to live up to the first gift she received. Your idea of a blender is not going to come close to that rock on her hand. For your first gift, if you have not hit the serious phase yet. Get her something that says romantic. Think of something that she really loves to go for that. The thought is what count and chances are if she likes you, she is going to love the gift because you used your heart and not your wallet.
Rule 1224 B: Ladies this is for you. I know a lot of us reek of body odor and anal sweat. It is not a lovely combination so why is it that the first idea to get us for Christmas is the kits with deodorant and cologne inside. This is for the woman that is too lazy to shop and just happens to be in Walmart one day and sees this right next to the makeup kits. I am giving you the same rule for the guys. It does not have to be expensive, it has to be thoughtful. The true meaning of Christmas will shine through no matter what.
Take these rules to heart and you will have a very Merry Christmas.