One of the things that make Christmas Eve so special is the fact that we are one day away from the big day but more importantly kids all around the world are waiting for the arrival of Santa Claus to bring them presents this year. This has really got my mind to turning, and thinking about something. Why do we tell our kids that Santa is real? I know a lot of people feel that it is wrong to lie to children, and I can very well see their point but what if……… Santa was real.

The question I am proposing to all of you on this Christmas Eve is, what if Santa was real?

The first thing that no one would have to worry about is getting destroyed at a Black Friday sale. I think we are all tired of standing in line for a toy that is only going to really be remembered for about two weeks and put away just like all the others before. (Insert TAPS here.)

Santa-Claus-A I feel if the big guy did deliver toys to boys and girls on Christmas Eve around the world it make shopping much easier. However, I can see some pissed off parents in this scenario. Think about it, you ask your parents for something that you have been wanting so bad since you first saw the ad during an episode of Spongebob. Your parents tell you no. Not because they do not want to but because of money they cannot. I can see this working in a disadvantage when it comes to things later in life. “Mom, you were not there for me. You never got me that Lite Brite but you know who was there for me? Santa delivered what I wanted each year and you couldn’t do crap. You suck.” I know a bit long but it’s true. The kid would become ungrateful to their parents and it would be a tad sad.

The next thing I have thought about if the big guy were real, how much he would spend on gifts each year. You can’t make the iPad that little Billy wants out of wood and a mallet. Well, I guess you could but it would not have wifi. I think this is one reason why Santa could never be real. He couldn’t afford it. The economy is going down the shitter and instead of getting those 11 dolls and two houses you want, you only get one house and one doll. Heaven help the parents that have to put with the screaming child that a producer of My Sweet 16 would love.

The next thing I want to bring up in this argument is, travel. Ok. I know reindeer can’t fly but for the sake of the argument, they can. If it would also please the court, may I add that one will have a glowing red nose for Santa to be able to see in his journey? The hard part is going around the world in one night. It is not possible unless he has a fuel that he is not sharing with the rest of the world and just having that thought could have countries lined with missiles pointing at the sky. I think I may have caused the third World War. Hell hath no fury like a pissed off elf in pointy shoes.

The final thing I want to bring up in this argument, how about the houses without chimneys? I remember being a kid one year at Christmas and finding out that Santa only was able to come inside houses via the Chimney. As a kid growing up, I lived in a house without a Chimney. I remember crying for days on end thinking that Santa would not stop at our house and Christmas would be ruined. It is kind of funny if you look back on it now but a sad day for a child. How is Santa able to get into these houses? Does everyone leave a key under the mat or in a rock turtle?

It would be a very interesting place if the big man was real. Christmas would be crazy but instead Mom and Dad get to enjoy watching the eyes of a child light up on Christmas morning and knowing that is truly what Christmas is about. I just wish we as adults had the same mindset. It would make the Holidays a much more fun time to be in.

About the author

Richard Pruitt

I am Richard and I have a problem. A problem with entertaining people. I have been in the comedy world for over 10 years. I started out as an improv actor making fun and light of everything. Doing that felt rewarding, but I have to admit, I wanted more. I couldn’t get the taste of performing out of my mouth. Does that not sound a little creepy? I decided to start doing my own stand up show. I love to make fun of my family and anything that will make a normal person say what the fuck. The journey still continues, in 2009, I had a dream to create my own online magazine. This is the beautiful corner of craziness in front of you. I have been through hell in my life but being stopped is something that I will not let happen. I am a fighter and hope to make people realize it is ok to smile and think from time to time. It also helps being a nerd.