Self Help for The Helpless #3

The time has come that you pathetic fucking souls are about to have a life changing lesson. The time has come for your animated savior to tell you how to live your life so that you are not a complete loser in life. I am guessing for most of you that are hard to do, but I am here to make it better. If you do not know who I am, let me introduce myself. My name is Stick Figure (Isn’t it funny how life works? I am sick and tired Miley and of the twerk. I don’t care that you are fully equipped. Your daddy should have grounded you and used the whip.) Dan. I have given you people of losing calibers, some insight into how to make your life better. I think by now you should be able to go outside the house without the fear of talking to someone. However, I want to help another group of people that is needing some assistance for yours truly. How about the nerds and losers that have been able to land the person of your dreams. I bet you are trying to figure out how to keep them. It is not easy unless you have the same amount of money as Bill Gates. If that is the case money can buy everything you need. I am going to help you keep your relationship by telling you what not to do first.

relationshipsDon’t be a damn pussy. I am telling you now, if you are emotional, no one will want to be with you. I know this from watching the biggest loser I know. If you cry at Finding Nemo, there is no way that anyone will be returning your phone calls or texts. If we wanted to be around someone that shows emotions, we would have stayed in high school. It is time to get the fuck over yourself. No one gives a shit about your feelings so next time you think about crying, I want you to just drive your car over the bridge.

Speaking of cars, I am betting that most of you losers don’t even own a car or drive. This only works if you have the brain capacity of Sheldon Cooper. My guess is that you have the brain capacity of the T-Rex. The only difference between you and the dinosaur is that you can actually scratch yourself. If you do not drive or own a car, no one is going to be with you. They aren’t going to want to play chauffeur to an oversized stuffed animal who is wasting precious space in life.

Do not say anything that you are going to regret. If you do, chances are that you are going to be sleeping alone that night and the next 365 nights after unless you can pay for it. Again though, being broke does not help that.

Here is another thing that you do not need to do, it doesn’t matter whatever the case maybe, never get sick especially with something that is not cured. Who wants to be with you besides the people who run a doctor’s office pre-Obamacare. Chances are that if something happened to you, no one is going to notice anything. You are just there. It is better to be alone, so that way no one has to put up with it. Plus, if it is contagious you won’t be able to pass it to your partner.  If you do not want your cooties, why would someone else.

If you do not keep trying, chances are they are going to move on to something better than your loser ass. See becoming complacent does nothing to keep the relationship going, you may be happy, but it takes two to be happy. If you are just there, it is time for them to dump you and they are going to make it hard.

If you do any of those, chances are that you are going to be kicked out of your house and have to start walking somewhere. I am guessing where you are going really doesn’t want you either.

Want to know how to keep a relationship going?  Don’t be a Richard. That actually fits in this situation.

I will be back for installment 4 in the very near future.

Figure It Out

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Stick Figure Dan
Stick Figure Dan is the resident loud foul mouthed prick of TBK Magazine. He is a loud mouth who will say anything at any given moment. He hates the world and everything in it. Dan came into the society as a writer in 2007 and hasn’t looked back since. He likes to write open letters to famous people, putting them in their place.
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