This is a very special public service announcement from your friends here at The Buzz Kill Magazine. If this were a real emergency, this article would be followed by one of our own screaming and running around in a circle like an idiot. Remember this is a very special PSA.
I want you to think about opening up a bag of fritos corn chips. Stop complaining and just think about it. That smell hits your nose, and you know that within seconds you are going to be eating some kind of yummy dip without a problem. I want you to really visualize that smell. The smell of corn chip is making you hungry. Now, close your eyes. I want you to visualize that smell again. However, when you open them there is not a bag of Fritos there anymore. Instead that lovely aroma of corn chips is coming from an actual human being. I bet if you are eating corn chips, those little bad boys just came back up in your mouth. Is it so hard for people to get rid of body odor? I understand having an off day, but an off lifetime of smelling like you have just rolled around in dead chickens and Shasta. There is this invention that shoots out a hot liquidly substance. The amount of heat can be changed by adding heat and cold. This magical device is a shower and I am thinking it is high time that you may think about using it. I am tired of going out in public and my nose hairs wishing they could commit suicide. Hell, at this point, I do not care if you end up looking like you bathe Crisco or not, just spray some axe. I know it does not kill the smell but I would rather smell sweet shit than nasty shit. Speaking of greasy, it just has to be the ones that look like the only way they are going to be able to get clean is soaking themselves in Dawn for 30 minutes and then showering. I have seen people with so much grease they could supply the deep fryer at KFC for a week without a problem. It is time for this to stop. This is why I always carry a small bottle of ghetto cologne with me aka Febreeze. There is one easy step to remedy all of it. QUIT BEING NASTY. The fact anyone can be in a 10 mile radius of you is one thing but let alone touch you. Start taking care of yourself but don’t do it just for you. Do it for us because we are the true suffering idiots. And now cue the more you know graphic and one more time for emphasis. FRITOS.