“Because all I ever wanted was a place to call my home. To shelter me when I am there and to miss me when I’m gone. All I ever wanted was a place to call my own. Where stars will dance and sun still shines and the storms feel free to roam” – All I Ever Wanted by Shinedown
I think this will apply to all of us. I think each Journey is a, choose your own adventure book. Each decision we make, takes us down a path and leads us to our next decision. I think this is the plan of life that each motion will happen for a reason. However, there are times where a detour will be thrown in our path placing each decision we make to be even bigger. This is where my journey has taken me at this point. I have had a monkey wrench thrown into my life, on a couple of occasions that I still cannot understand.
The day I went to the Emergency Room, I found out that I was not going to have a home anymore. The reason I was given, was due to the fact the person I was with and I fought all the time. If she was going to be living there anymore, it had to be me or a roof over her head. At least, that is the story I was given when I got out of the Emergency Room. After being given drugs for the pain I was going through, I now had to be told for the third time in less than two years, I was not going to have a home. On that same day, divorce papers were filed. That night, I was to stay in a hotel, and the next day I was left to figure out what to do on my own. Funny how things work out. That morning, I had to just walk and hope that I would be able to make it to somewhere. Luckily, I had a friend that was able to pick me up and bring me to someone’s house.
Ever since then, I have been living off couches and bouncing back and forth between places. I wake up every morning wondering if anything of stability will actually happen in my life. I at this moment am homeless. Kind of weird to think. I don’t have a bed to go to each night. I don’t have someone waiting up for me to come home. I am in a hole and not sure how to pull myself up out from it. I have gone days, without being able to eat a proper meal, or be able to buy supplies that every person needs to take care of their daily life.
As many of you know, #thejourney is about my struggle with my health. I see one of those challenges being how am I going to live over the next few months. I want to be able to have a place that I can call my own. I want to be able to live in peace without having to worry if I am going to have a place tomorrow. One thing this has made me feel like is a burden on the people in my life. I am a grateful person. I have nothing but love in heart for the people who have gone out of their way to make sure that I have had some place to stay even if it is for a night but it is not easy on me. I feel each time that I step foot in their home, they do not want me there. I know that is far from the truth but my heart tells me something else. I feel bad that I have ended up in this spot.
It is even more difficult when you have a seizure and they feel just as helpless as you. I have seen people’s heart breaking when I have come to from having one of my “spells.” It hurts them, because they can’t do anything about it. That goes both way. I hate knowing that I have made anyone sad in my life. That has never been something that I have set out to do. I have been hurt, I have beaten down emotionally but making people sad is just something I can’t do. However, that is all I feel when I answer my phone or text someone. I feel that I am just doing more harm than good.
At night, when I do sleep, my face is always buried into the back of the couch. I don’t want anyone to actually see the pain that my face is showing, plus it is the only comfort that I get anymore. It makes me feel like someone is actually there with me. A little depressing but it is the truth.
The last time we spoke about all of this, I found out that the surgery could leave me brain dead. A situation that would make anyone fearful enough to make out their own will. A humbling experience is sitting down with a lawyer and putting together what happens if you were to lose your life. A sick and twisted thought, at least to me because I am not even 30 yet. During my psychological evaluation, I brought up something to the doctor that would scare a lot of people if they were to find out. I have been told that I am doing this surgery for all the wrong reasons. I am putting what everyone else thinks of me instead of doing what I think is best for me. I am looking at my life with others but not my own.
Sadly, when I told the doctor one of my reasons, it kind of shocked him. I said I have been beaten down into a valley that I have never expected. I never thought at 29, I would be fighting a condition, that has taken the fabric of my everyday life and thrown it away like it was a piece of paper. I never thought I would have to go through not having a home. I told him that if the surgery went bad, the burden that a lot of people I think feel would go away. If I wasn’t here. He just looked at me. “I understand where you are coming from but you have to think positively, Mr. Pruitt.” That is sometimes hard to do when your mind only lets you see the negative.
I am hoping that in the next couple of weeks, I am able to see a new spin on things. I am not usually a negative person but sometimes it is difficult not to let depression take over. The battle I am fighting, is not only with my health but now with my own emotions. I feel alone. I feel that no one may even be there for me to say goodbye to. That is a scariest thought of all.
I am hoping that things will change with my few days in a wheel chair to understand a larger possibility of what life can hold for me. As for being brain dead, I am not sure how to cope with it. That possibility may be left for a higher power. My Journey is not over, but the detour is making it more difficult to follow.