In the past I have taken time to write out rules on what to do and not to do when trying to find love and all that has got me is a divorce, a story, and a sandwich. I know there is something else that I need to be working on so that the entire puzzle so that it can fall together piece by piece. Even if they have to be smashed together by a damn hammer, I am going to make those little bastards of cardboard fit. I was walking around the mall the other day and while I was trying to figure out how to talk to the hottie that works at Hallmark. An idea hit me like a rejection. Dating has rules, but you know what else needs rules? Life. Welcome to the debut edition of The Unwritten Rules of Life. This is a look at what we need to do to make life easier as we go along. Some will be Funny, some will not but it all truthful. There will be a quiz at the end of the lesson so be ready to take notes.

fat-man-belly-flop#624: I am kind of a chubby guy, I have said in the past that I do not have love handles that I have love chunks. I want to know something about being chubby or being bigger, is it that hard to find a shirt that fits. I am not singling out bigger people because I know a lot of bigger guys out there dress nice, but for the love of god, if you are going to wear a shirt, make sure it fits. If you lift your arms up and the shirt looks like something that you would see on a stripper, it’s time to retire the shirt. Let me add just a little extra to that, if your belly hangs out of the shirt, time to retire the shirt. The only thing that goes through my mind is the thought of the water puddle screen saver. You do not want to look but you can’t turn away either. Make sure your clothes fit.

#56982: Emotions, some days we are riding an emotional high, the next day we are riding an emotional low. Want to know what not to do when feeling depressed, turn to liquor. You want to become a shell of the person that everyone knows, drink each night to wipe away the sadness. I understand being sad, I have gone through my fair share of hell, but I just can’t see how turning to liquid courage will make it all go away. There is a reason people drink to celebrate, once we are happy, we are fun to be around when drunk. However, if we are sad and drinking, we can become the worst people in the world. You need to be able to find a different way to use up that depression. Hang out with friends, go to the park or hell, go to the mall and watch people with their bellies hanging out. Don’t drink when sad, it can only lead to more sadness.

#901: I can’t be the only one who is angry about this one. You sit down at the movies, you have a box of popcorn that cost your first child’s college fund. You have a drink the size of the bed of a pickup truck. You are ready to enjoy your movie going experience. The lights dim and the previews start, and all of a sudden all the way across the theater you hear someone ask if that is going to be a good movie or not. The person who talks through the previews and the movie. I look at it this way, if you have paid hard earned money to see whatever steaming pile of crap that Hollywood is throwing at you, you should be able to enjoy. If I wanted to hear someone talk over every little thing, I would have stayed at home and watched she special features. If you think your commentary of why Robocop is becoming a robot is better than the actual dialog, I am going to kick you in the Woody Allen. I think it is time we respect the movies and keep our mouth shut. This is not an hour and half long episode of Dora.

#360: This is going to be short and sweet. My Little Pony is an awesome show for all ages.

#565: I have to agree with the ads of not texting and driving, but I think they need to add not to text and do everyday activities. Don’t Text and Walk. You will not believe how many times that I have seen a teenager run smack into a glass door. It is like they are a little bird after you cleaned your windows. Don’t Text and Fish. You have the big one on the line and you begin texting your friends so they will actually believe you. Sad thing, you and your Jitterbug phone are both now a little wet. If we put you in rice, will that dry you out too? Don’t text and do the laundry. Don’t text and have sex unless you are texting an ex to show off who you are doing. Don’t text and hunt. This one kind of explains itself. The rule, if you are not sitting down and doing nothing. Don’t text.

And now these rules are no longer unwritten, class dismissed.

About the author

Richard Pruitt

I am Richard and I have a problem. A problem with entertaining people. I have been in the comedy world for over 10 years. I started out as an improv actor making fun and light of everything. Doing that felt rewarding, but I have to admit, I wanted more. I couldn’t get the taste of performing out of my mouth. Does that not sound a little creepy? I decided to start doing my own stand up show. I love to make fun of my family and anything that will make a normal person say what the fuck. The journey still continues, in 2009, I had a dream to create my own online magazine. This is the beautiful corner of craziness in front of you. I have been through hell in my life but being stopped is something that I will not let happen. I am a fighter and hope to make people realize it is ok to smile and think from time to time. It also helps being a nerd.