DRUNK DIALING EXES: Why we hate them; admitting my own guilt
Let me just start off by letting you all know, that this is from the perspective of an ex girlfriend with psychotic tendencies, who in the past, didn’t want to accept the break up… ME! Yes, I have been THAT girl. No, I am not writing an article on myself, just women who are similar. WHY, you ask? To you I say, simply because I can, that’s why! You will laugh about it! (I have awesome Jedi Mind powers) Also, because by all technicalities, I am a Korean Yankee, which in these parts makes me insane, but only in the states of which are united. Thus making me one of the best suited, and most qualified bat shit crazy persons to put this out there on the imaginary table of Russian Roulette of which we call dating. I do most all of mine online. Yay for the inter webs!
Anyway, here we have arrived at the first and MOST mind fuckingly annoying type of drunk dialing ex known to exist. She’s the one calling you in the middle of the night after the bars are closed, and her friends have turned off their phones because they are sick and tired of dealing with her boohoo woe is me horseshit. Most often times, she’s the ex wife of several years who is just now realizing what she fucked up all on her own accord. One night, after her loser bf breaks up with her, she just can’t take it, and decides calling you is a GREAT idea in her whiskey induced emotional meltdown. She calls you sobbing and crying after she’s pried your new number from a friend who’s desperate to shut her up. It doesn’t matter to her that said number changed months ago to avoid said mind numbing, and exhausting phone call. Thus making you laugh and rage all in the same moment because you want nothing to do with her anymore, but she just can’t accept that it’s over, and you’re moving on. She apologizes profusely, begs, practically on her knees for forgiveness, and won’t tell you how she got your number. She’s over there Lady Antebellum style like “I’m a little drunk and I need you now”, and you’re on your corner of the planet, Jerrod Niemann style like “what do you want”. The best thing to do in this situation destroys her ego, with something to the likes of telling her that making love to her was like throwing a hot dog down the hallway. Hell, you could even do something sweet like to send her the papers for a restraining order in a big greeting card, just to let her know you do still love her, if you feel the first option is too harsh. Let’s face it though, restraining order or no, she’s STILL going to find ways to bother you, at least until her next dreamy douche nozzle comes along.
The second kind is the anniversary/holiday caller. She’s a bit more stable in the mental and emotional capacities, and it’s likely you had a really great relationship at one point, which is why she just can’t let you go. Often times she means no harm, but still, it’s annoying as hell to see what she has to say. She’ll text, call, or send an e-card on what would have been your anniversary, your birthday, Christmas, Easter, or Thanksgiving. Whatever her excuse, she’ll use it just to say hello and see how the family is doing, as if you really want to waste time talking to her. The romantic gestures and sweet nothings make you want to puke, and laugh at the same time. She’s for the most part full of good intention, but still makes you want to pick up the phone just to blast some Taylor Swift over the phone at her, more specifically something to the tune of ‘We are never getting back together’. I’m here to tell you now that will NOT drive the point home to her. The best thing to do is to just ignore it, or change your number in hopes she’s not as unstable as she was 3 years ago when you actually broke up, and she was on the stage 5 clinger ex status. Every now and again she’ll drunk dial you thinking it’d be a good idea to hook up because she “misses your company and friendship” DO NOT give in, be strong, because this is just an attempt to have blackmail against you. Blackmail being tearful phone calls of self – loathing and doubt. The next thing you know, she’s calling, because she WILL feel shitty and like a hooker paid for in full, finding it necessary to call you for reassurance. She’s likely to be a sobbing mess, leading only to more ass-baggery and feeble attempts to rekindle what is gone, even if it’s out of pity, she’ll take it. Also making you feel regretful for just wanting to tap that sweet ass again. Sometimes the unfamiliarity of your left hand is just NOT enough to qualify as an exciting piece of woman flesh, so you revisit your once cherished bat cave. Is that so wrong? NO, it’s not, but if she’s this kind of ex, you’ll mess with her little mind. In the words of The Beatles, Let it be.
Congratulations! You’re single and you got rid of that nagging, whining, materialistically insatiable Barbie bitch that you only dated because she was hot, and you’re a fucking nerd who otherwise wouldn’t have a chance at getting laid. She upped your awesome factor, even made you a god to your friends at one point. Fast forward a couple of months, and now you’re telling your friends how awesome it is to be out from under her thumb talking shit like “99 problems and a bitch ain’t one, now we can resume our bromance.” In celebration of said broken union, you and the guys hit up a Bdubs for some much needed beer and wings, because that vainglorious attention craving succubus whore who’s just on the edge of anorexia won’t eat anything but a salad, therefore making such places off limits. You THINK you are free, but oh no son, you’re not out of the clear just yet. Why? Because you damaged her ego, and sent her into a downward spiral of self doubt, depression, and suicidal thoughts after just about a month or two. Just time enough in which she managed to spend that money you were saving for the Lego Death Star kit, likely on dumb shit like facial moisturizer, fancy, scented tampons, and diet pills. She’s now even MORE annoying than that valley girl voice she has, but thankfully it’s not via phone call right? You simply couldn’t imagine stomaching her Bernadette-esque voice for another minute. Well, sure it’s less annoying because you don’t have her nasally audio in your ear, but instead she’s blowing up your phone, every hour on the hour, sometimes more. She’s even worse than the late night, drunk, sobbing, hot mess of an ex wife that you hear from every so often. The break up is new, she may or may not have wanted it, and she just won’t give it up. There are no words to describe the exhaustion, and insanity of this kind. However, if you’re lucky, she’s the kind that will follow through when she threatens to kill herself if you don’t take her back. She sends you links to songs like Rhianna’s ‘Stay’, or Pink’s ‘Please don’t leave me’, boggling your mind, even further because it was lust, not love, she was simply an over paid, well treated hooker in your eyes, but somewhere in there SHE missed the memo… Whoops! At this point, you just beat her at her own game, and send her a link to something to the likes of Chris Brown’s ‘Deuces’, and shut your phone off. Chances are if she was hawt before she opened her mouth, you don’t really want to delete her because you’ll be waiting for her to fall into the 2nd category. Assuming that pussy was good enough that you would be willing to stomach the aforementioned blackmail. Though just deleting her is the BEST overall option. You can do it, don’t be a pansy ass!
In conclusion, for the love of all that is holy, do some damn research on a hoe before you even consider letting her hang on your arm! Seriously, the next time you meet a bitch and think to yourself “She’s so fucking hot, how in the bloody hell is she possibly single?” Consider the option that she’s bat shit crazy and more trouble than it’s worth. However, if that’s your thing, as it is for so many men, more specifically the ones who are curious about women of the Asian persuasion, by all means, just be prepared. You can’t say you weren’t warned.