Self Help For The Helpless #5

I have decidmama-boyed that this would be the best time to grace the internet with my presence. Chances are that your life is falling apart and you need a little guidance from your hero. If you do not know who I am, I am guessing that you are new to the site or that you are Amish. My name is Stick Figure (At some point we all need to make new peeps. But at times you would wish they would go take a leap. I think some of these fuck are clinically insane. I am guessing their pride and dignity is missing like a Malaysian airplane.) Dan. Tonight, I want to take this time to talk to you about something that needs to be addressed in the world of people. I understand that in a hard time that returning home is your only option. I understand we can all hit rock bottom. Some more than others. However, there is one thing that needs to stop. If you are a grown ass adult it is time to take your mouth off Mom’s tit. Today’s subject, Mama’s Boys. I know there are some women out there reading this and screaming, Amen at their screen like it is a sermon of a Benny Hinn. I think if you are going to help yourself, you need to realize that Mommy is not the answer. I can’t believe that this has to be a series of Self-Help because this needs to be more of a series of common sense.

As I stated, being home is one thing. I have seen people all over the globe go back home in a time of need, but what if that time of need has come and gone? What if that time of need has become something much more tragic? If you are over the age of 40 chances are the only milk coming out of your mom’s tit is powdered. I think at a certain age, you have to become your own person. Remember the days of when your mom would make your peanut butter and jelly sandwiches? If she is still doing that when you are old enough to join AARP, it’s time to realize that your life has as much meaning as a toddler. It makes me sad that there are people like this. Here is a damn idea, just stop going to the bathroom. If you want to act like a baby, they make diapers in adult sizes and trust me, you can find anything on the internet if you search hard enough.

So what are you doing to better yourself? If you are still living under the rules of your parents after the age of 40 my guess is that you are doing the same thing as a child the age of 13 is doing. Not a damn thing. I want to take this time to compare a Mama’s Boy and a child of 12. Chances are Mommy and Daddy are buying your food and you are living on nothing but Microwaveable food. No matter how hard Hot Pockets, try to sex up their product, it’s not something to be proud of. If your parents get mad at you, chances are that you’re grounded. Let me tell you, if you hear a 40 year old say they are grounded chances are that you are going to feel great about your own life. If Mommy gives you the credit card to run errand for her, chances are that you are going to spend money on that card on stuff that you do not need. If you want to be a fully functioning adult, time to start worrying about bills and those life changing moments. What you shouldn’t be worried about, how many action figures you can buy. You do not need comic books, you want comic books.Norma-and-Norman

If this sounds like you, stop making Norman Bates look like a healthy member of society. Just don’t dress like her and kill people in a shower. If you have mommy issues, find a damn sugar momma cougar. That solves all your problems, because you can’t have sex with your mother.

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Stick Figure Dan
Stick Figure Dan is the resident loud foul mouthed prick of TBK Magazine. He is a loud mouth who will say anything at any given moment. He hates the world and everything in it. Dan came into the society as a writer in 2007 and hasn’t looked back since. He likes to write open letters to famous people, putting them in their place.
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