“Every man’s heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breathe their final breath and if what that man did in his life makes the blood pulse through the body of others and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit will be immortalized.” –The Ultimate Warrior from his final appearance.
I believe those words can ring true for almost any situation that life puts in our path. For me that path has some roads less traveled, but the main road still seems to be the one that needs the most work. The date had finally came. During my psych evaluation, my doctor told me that he believed that I was doing this for all the wrong reasons. I was not making the decision based on what was best for me, but in fact that I was basing this decision on how I would be looked at by others. I argued hard against what he had to say, but ultimately he was right. I think the words, “I will never make a good father,” still haunts everything that I do. It is because of this issue that my relationships tend to fail. I understand it is scary, but being looked at as a human being for once would be a nice change of pace. He believed that the real reason I was going through with it was to prove to people that I can be all those things I said I wouldn’t. I think trying to argue with a man who knows the inner working of the mind was not the best idea I have ever had. He told me that he would not tell me what to do except that I needed to really think about everything first. After, being told this, he said that I would have to spend a couple of days in a wheelchair to see how it would be if paralyzed. This is going to be a challenge, but I welcome it.
The day finally arrived and I went to see the doctor. He asked me if I was ready and as soon as I said yes, he had a chair ready to go for me. I did kind of make a joke that was a little over the top, but it is how I deal with a situation like this. Humor is able to get me through the hardest situations that I have encountered in this life. The joke I made,”I will never have to worry about a seat at the movies again.” They all just looked at me as if I killed a kitten right in front of them. I wheel myself out of the office and try to figure out how to get in a car with all of this. Lucky for me, I had some help with someone who had been in a spot like this before. The first night was not so bad. I just kind of stayed at the house and tried to get used to the whole thing. It really didn’t bother me that first night. It was not until day three that I honestly had my heart ripped out of my chest.
Day two, again, I just stayed around the house. I ordered food and it wasn’t a hard day at all. I did know that if I was going to be able to do this, I needed to get out of the house. I decided to go to Wal Mart on day 3. A simple trip that could lead to nothing really happening, but I was wrong. As I wheeled myself in electronically into Wal-Mart, I was able to do some shopping but not all. I couldn’t reach certain items and it was destroying me on the inside. I have a lot of respect for anyone paralyzed because those first few months have to be honest to god, Hell. The trip was becoming more difficult to me. About 20 minutes before I was going to leave, I ran into one of my friends. I have kept the whole thing about when I was going to be wheelchair under wraps. It just seems safer than to deal with the drama that I could have had to deal with. Their face when they see me, completely broke my heart. She started to cry. I am one of those people in life, that if I feel that I made someone cry, I feel terrible. I hate knowing that I made someone sad. Seeing her face was the toughest thing that I had to go through in that stretch of three days.
The day I went back to the doctor, I told him I had no clue what I was going to do yet. Really the only thing we both could do, made another appointment and go from there.
About a month ago, I decided to go see one of my favorite bands in concert. I have been wanting to see them for years and the chance finally arrived. It was a night I would never forget. I got to hear all my favorite songs. I was dancing, I was having the time of my life on the outside, but on the inside I was a mess. Something that I believe only two people knew in my life, was that after that concert, I was going to make the decision that would change my life. Hell, at one point during the show, which no one knew about, I was crying. I am scared that this was going to be the last time I was to ever do something like this. I am scared that if I did go through with all of this, this was going to be my last hurrah. Here I sit a month later, and I still haven’t made a decision. I am scared that which way I lead to, will be the wrong decision no matter what happens. The doctors are telling me that I need to decide within the next month so we can schedule for August or September.
I want my life back to normal, but I don’t think it is going to happen anytime soon. The one thing I had to do, is cut the fat out of my life, but that is the next step, and a step that has put in me a constant state of depression.