Dear Past Exes and Pre Exes,
If you have taken the time to sit down and read this, chances are you have dated me in some sort of capacity or are about to. Let me make this known, I am not what you think I am. I, like many other males, a complete and royal asshole. I am a jerk. Well, I may have never cheated on anyone, it is what I can’t do that seems to be the problem. If I was able to change the world, I would. However, if that was the case, maybe I should change myself. I want to take this time to apologize for being things that I am not.
I am sorry, I am not a musician. I wish I had the ability to scream in a microphone and make 5 dollars a night. Instead, I chose the route of doing comedy. Want to know where that gets you? Dumped. A LOT. I also get friend zoned because they think I am gay. This is what I get for being fat and funny. I think that if I was in a band that I would have had more than one relationship last a year. I have the singing talent of a cat in the wood chipper, and the musical ability of Helen Keller. I feel that is not going to help me in the world of dating. I am sorry that I can’t play bass, play a guitar, a piano, or even a nose flute.
I am sorry, I am not an asshole. I think that it is said that if you want a woman to stay with you, that you need to be an asshole. Well, I just can’t do that unless it’s in the bedroom. I wish I had the ability to go to a liquor store and down a thirty pack every night. Instead, I will eat 20 wings and ask how your day was. I think that drives people insane. Maybe, I should grow a backbone and just be cold, but that is not who I am. I still open the door for a girl, and how does she take it? That I want in her pants. If they are comfy, that is a possibility. I was raised to be a gentleman, but that is something that is forgotten in today’s times. For all that, I am sorry that I am a nice guy. I could work on that, but it takes way too much effort to be an ass unless it’s in the bedroom.
I am sorry, that I don’t do the bar scene very well. I think it is something that has always been that way. I never really cared for going to bars, unless it’s to sing karaoke. I love music, and will occasionally go to see it live but that doesn’t mean I want to keep going to a bar. I want to have this thing called a conversation. I do not really care about how many shots or beers you had in a 4 hour period. I guess the fact I am not a partier makes me a jerk. I apologize for that. Seeing a movie or just going to a nice dinner was too much to ask for.
I am sorry that I have seizures. I know it is kind of weird to be apologizing for something that I can’t control, but I feel that it needs to be done. I think the best job for me would be James Bond’s personal bartender. Let me explain this for those of you who just scratched their heads. He likes his martini shaken, not stirred. However, that would require me going to a bar and that now becomes a double whammy. I am not allowed to drive because of doctors’ orders. I wish there was something I could do about that but…. I do not want to hurt someone more that I am hurting anyone emotionally. I have days where I am sick for hours, I have weeks that that I have bad days, and I have months that I have bad weeks, and for that I am sorry.
I am sorry that I do not live in my past. I wish that I was able to carry around more baggage from my past to damage my life. I really need to realize that not comparing you to my past is a terrible idea. I really should start letting my past dictate more of who I become. I think that if I am going to compare you to one of my past exes, that maybe you would stick around longer than 11 minutes. I am sorry my baggage doesn’t go everywhere with me. I think the airlines have a limit on how much carry-on luggage one can have. I know Amtrak does.
To any future ex that reads this, I want to say you know a little of what is wrong with me. So when you tell me that you are looking for a musician that loves to drink, will beat you, and can drive a car without having a seizure, I know to walk away and cry holding my build a bear. Which oddly looks like me.
The type of person that I am, is the guy that you can call in the middle of the night and tell me about your horrible day because I am going to want to make you smile. I am the type of guy that loves to buy a girl dinner even if I can’t because I want to see you smile. I am the type of guy that will run around with a dress on, because I want to see you smile. I am guessing that is crime in the world we live in now. We take everything so seriously that we can’t just have a good laugh.
To all that I have dated, I am sorry for being me. I guess being a nice guy really doesn’t work for me. Someday, I guess I will have to lower my standards and try to find someone who likes me for me. But as you can see, nice guy, who doesn’t party, and tells jokes and possibly you will have come to see, is something that not a lot of people want. Just ask family.
I am just covering all my bases before I get dumped again and again. I am just apologizing for what hasn’t happened.
P.S. If you are into fat funny guys and can prove me wrong and dinner is on me.