A few months ago, I started to write the story of my love life, and I called it Lonely and Jealous: The Story of My left Hand. In that story I went away from the true idea I wanted, due to some bad advice from a friend. I am sitting here a few months later, ready to present the real intro. The real story behind some of the worst things that people could do. These stories are real. I promise you that by the end of this path, you will be left wondering who can love these people or how do they still have friends, or even how are they still alive. Some people will make you happy, others will make you angry. But that is what makes a great story. When it is real. The emotion coming out is real. The only things that will be changed to protect the innocent are their names. However, there is no innocent in this story. If there is one thing that I want you to take away from all of this, it’s that no matter how messed up you think your life has been, there is a group of people out there who will make you feel better about yourself. I chose today to debut this not because of it being Mother’s Day, but because today would have been late mother’s Birthday. So this story is dedicated to the person who raised me from a child and also to the person I have got to know as my true mother. I present to you, the real intro to Lonely And Jealous.
Love. If anything is going to kill me spiritually and physically, it is going to be love. Love can cause us to do great things, it can also cause us to fall deeper than ever before. Love can make you smile and Love can make you cry. Love is something that you want to embrace and can also be a cold hearted bitch. If anyone knows those words to be truer than anyone, it is myself.
I am known to do crazy things for love. Going above and beyond the call of duty for someone is what I do. I will put myself 100% invested in someone that may not care if I wake up tomorrow. That is kind of sad, isn’t it? I know some of you have been in that spot before. Let me give you a few examples as to why I am a tidbit crazy when it comes to thinking with my heart. Traveling across the country, getting married after two weeks, a fake pregnancy, running away, cheated on, swinging, sociopathic tendencies, walking in a thunderstorm just to prove I love you. Yeah, it seems that I have done something that a normal person would believe would be a little crazy. However, that is who I am on the inside and out. Putting myself all out there for someone is what I have done. It was how I was raised in this world. Maybe, I am wrong, but isn’t that what love is all about. You look at someone through your eyes and instead of seeing what is around you, the only thing that you see is the person your heart is beating out of your chest for.
However, there is a second kind of love that makes this story intertwine. A second kind of love that many children wish they could have. A second kind of love that will break you down even more. The love of your family. My family happens to be group of people that will be very cordial to your face. They will treat you like a person should be treated. The time will come when you will have to turn your back. In that very second, you will have a knife sticking from your spine. My family has covered up many secrets that would destroy someone if they knew. I am tired of holding all of these in and feel that the perfect time is now. It makes me sick as a person to see how people have been treated by this group of “nice” people for far too long. It all boils down to the almighty dollar with all of them. I guess it is true, the dollar will make the world go around or at least one small Arkansas town.
I know what you are thinking inside that little head of yours. What makes your family so special? I always said that The Princess Bride was the best story ever told. It has all the elements that you want in a story, Humor. Anger. Vengeance. Pride. Death. Love. Sadness. Betrayal. In the 5 years, I have learned about an adoption scandal, cheating, stealing, homicide, and a covered up suicide, drama, abortions, and more.
These two stories are intertwined by one common factor. Me. The missing link in this puzzle as it seems has been me. I get to be the one that is mentally drained on a daily basis listening to stories of how one person is worse than the other. I have had relationships come to a halt due to the ideals of my “loving family.
This story is about love, and the many emotions that accompany it. Every Sunday night, a part of this story will be told. As I said secrets will be told, things will be thrown to the wolves. I am not pulling any punches with what I have to say. The truth has to be told. I am tired of living a life where I have to bottle up all of this pain and guilt. There are nights that everything will destroy who I am on the inside. I will wake up in the middle of the night in a panic. There are days that I wish that I would have succeeded that night in 2009, so I wouldn’t have to struggle with what I have been told and I have seen.
Some families have skeletons in their closet, my family keeps a graveyard in theirs. It is time to open up the door and finally reveal the truth.
As for my love life, maybe when it is all said and done, there will be a little relief off my shoulders. I am going to talk about the one that got away, the one I could never have, the one that saved me, and maybe when the dust is settling, the last chapter will be about the one.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Lonely and Jealous: The Story of My Left Hand