Many of you may be thinking “What in the name of all things cinnamon swirl is going on here?” Well, everypony, I am here to tell you all about the magical world of friendship, magic and the inhabitants of Ponyville. There is no shame in being a brony or a pegasister no matter what your age. Chances are if you were an 80’s kid you know exactly what I am talking about. If not, then you will and I promise that by the time you are finished reading this you will indeed be 20% cooler and knowledgeable on the subject I’m placing here at your hooves.
Even as a little boy was completely in love with My Little Pony. There was just something about their fancy manes and antics that mesmerized me. Back then, during the original run of this heartwarming prime time special series on April 14, 1984 I was but a 4 month gestation fetus. By the end of that run on September 23, 1987 I was a chop stick welder, rice demolishing and hell raising toddler rarely able to hold my attention to anything. Then I discovered My Little Pony, and my childhood was changed forever. I had my very first obsession, and began collecting every pony I could get my chubby little hooves on. I hoped to achieve every cutie mark a brony could. Hasbro and Marvel had me entranced, and their corporate hooves delving deeply into daddy’s wallet. They were like potato chips or tits, you can’t just have one.
Canterlot and its capital city of Equestria was created in 1982 by Ms. Bonnie Zacherie and is now a 4 generational collection of pony goodness. This lady really had an especially well made plan to target little girls that have lasted 4 decades. I personally owned roughly 45 ponies of all types and colors in which I would line up in front of my console television. I’d could re-enact each and every episode I ever laid eyes upon without guidance. I would giggle and whinny with delight. There wasn’t any whining or complaining. My Pinkie Pie tendencies disappeared, and transformed me into a beautiful Fluttershy.
My Little Pony and its subliminal messages have evolved greatly over the years. The original ponies being a bit fuller figured and changing with the times to today’s thinner, sexually appealing Equestria Girls. I almost feel dirty for finding them attractive. If ever I would partake in beastiality, this would be the reason why. I can’t help but wonder how Rarity would sound while I mount her. Would she whine, complain, or moan every so properly? Would our debaucherous affair result in a filly or a colt? I guess I’ll never know since she’s simply a cartoon. *sighs* Regardless, just thinking about it gives me a broner. I realize that being close to the dirty thirty, it’s probably preposterous that I have such perverse thoughts about such an innocent and uplifting cartoon. It’s like that awkward moment when Uncle Jessie was all of a sudden a hot musician instead of a charming family man.
The lessons and morals taught in this animated series is simply wholesome and hilarious. It teaches real values and the inner workings of healthy friendships. It brings humor to the difficult things that children face as they grow up. There is the element of problem solving, and acceptance of diversity that is subliminally worked in that makes me smile. I adore the fact that teamwork, generosity, kindness, honesty, and loyalty are demonstrated in every episode. As a parent, I can’t really think of a better cartoon to park my children in front of because it’s not corrosive to their little brains. I could sit them down for an afternoon of Sponge Bob Square Pants, but don’t because out of all the things that could happen that is the WORST. POSSIBLE. THING.
The range of personalities brings an element of psychology depicting traits of all kinds. There’s Princess Twilight Sparkle whose magical and big hearted. She is the glue that holds their clique together. There’s Pinky Pie who is a spazztastical, slightly bipolar party planner with good intention and violent mood swings. Her random outbursts of laughter are downright contagious. Rainbow dash is the epitome of a loyal friend, always trying to find a way to make things work and never giving up. She’s always there for her needy friends. You also have Apple Jack, who’s a boldly opinionated, hard working, southern belle type. Her honesty is brutal, and about as subtle as a midair collision. I find her lack of tact to be quite endearing.
Fluttershy is perhaps the kindest soul ever brought to life in animated form. She loves everyone and everything, though she is scared of her own shadow. To me she’s simply delightful with a comical touch of ditzy. Last but certainly not least is my personal favorite and most relatable pony, Rarity. She’s sassy, vainglorious, beautiful, and creative. She’s adored by spike who is best depicted in the form of a puppy in Equestria girls vs. His character in dragon form in the Friendship is Magic series. Rarity is a high classed, whiny attention whore of epic proportion with a flair for fashion and glitz. I believe that in human form, she would be one of those Orange County housewives, but with better hair. It would be simply ridiculous to think she’d ever allow her mane and tail to be so trashy.
All of this leads us up to the most recent version of My Little Pony better known as Equestria Girls. While watching the movie for the first time today (yes, I know I’m slacking) I went from the wholesome Bob Saget depicted in Full House, to the raunchy, explicit and vulgar Bob Saget that we know him as today.
In the scene where they were dancing my view of their sweet innocence changed. I went from seeing them as wholesome to thinking that they looked more like that of the dancer at a Coyote Ugly bar. All of a sudden their short skirts were swishing around, and I couldn’t help but wonder if one of their tits would flop out of their top. Then I had the sad realization that they don’t have boobs. The image of Flash Century mounting Princess Celestia popped into my very vivid imagination and I thought “And that is how Equestria was made!”
Now that you have the low down on all of the pony goodness I have placed in front of you, try to wrap your boggled minds around it. Try not to get a broner the next time that you are channel surfing on Saturday morning looking for your cartoon fix. For me, it’s next to impossible as I find the happiness and nostalgia this cartoon brings to be orgasmic. Whether you’re an 80’s kid, or just a kid at heart, it’s all quite chaotic. Just keep in mind that eternal chaos means chocolate rain you guys, CHOCOLATE RAIN!