Have you ever done something that you thought would be the greatest decision of your life? After, a little bit about that decision you realize that you actually made a grave mistake? I guess, the ideal term for the situation is a mistake without regret. I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but it truly fits the feeling that I have today. It has been a long journey from the place I was last year. The journey to get where I am at now is something that would have never happened if it wasn’t for that very mistake. A mistake hurts, but a lesson that I will always take away from life is that you never regret anything that made you smile at least once. For me, that mistake would have been my marriage.
I think we all make decisions on a whim that will change the next year, next month, tomorrow, and in this case even an hour after it happened. I tend to be very spur the moment in most of my life decisions. I want to be happy no matter what happens in life. On that day just a year ago, I got to mark something off The Bucket List. I always wanted a spur the moment wedding. Last year, that very thing happened. I was happy. I am not going to deny at all. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was a part of a family. Something that I have always wanted for the last few years. I think at times for myself that is still too much to ask for.
My happiness was very short lived. I am not going to blame anyone as it always takes two to tango. There are things though that make me realize that it was a mistake. I have absolutely seen the face of alcoholism in person, and I must admit that it is not pretty at all. I have been around drunk people in clubs on a nightly basis in early 20s but never actually had someone I “love” be drunk all the time. I will never understand how someone can live with a constant drinker. I at the time, never thought drinking to be on the same level as a drug addict. After a short 5 months of watching someone throw their life away, I realized it’s the same thing.
Why do I bring this all up? Adversity. I have always wanted to get something off my chest, at least since December. I have never thought the time to be right. I always worry about letting people’s feelings get in the way of what I want to say. I can honestly say that is a thought that I have flushed down the shitter. I no longer care about hurting people because sometimes the truth hurts. I am not the most talented writer, I am not the most talented podcaster, I am not the most talented but I do have one hell of a passion for what I do. That goes for everything that is placed in my life. It is all or nothing for me. The things that have been said to me caused to me to fall down into a deep depression that cost me friendships, and more. As, I write this, I will be damned if this stuff continues to bring to me down anymore.
In the past year, I have been told that I would never make a good father or would any mother would let me watch their child. In the past year, I have been told that going back to school will never amount to anything. In the past year, I have been told I was never a good husband/boyfriend. In the past year, I have been told that no one wanted me around. In the past year, I have been told that I would have been better off just killing myself. In the past year, I have been told that I am a failure. In the past year, I have been told that my birth has been just a mistake.
If someone keeps getting told these things constantly they start to believe it. Eventually you come to a period in your life, where proving them wrong becomes a goal. That is exactly where I am at now in life. I am embarking on a new journey, in a brand new state, not because of a woman. Not because, I had too. Because I had a door open for me. I am not only going through the door, I am going to kick the son of a bitch down. I don’t want to end up making my life about being what is in a bottle. I don’t want to end up old and mad at the world. Each day, the anger I have towards people grow less and less. They become a very fond memory. It is time to make new ones, with people who actually want to be there. Someday I will have that family, I have always dreamed of with someone who will actually appreciate what I bring to the table. I will always be doing what I love because I went back to school. I know a lot of people who have been stuck doing the same thing for years and all they do is complain.
I am happier now than I have ever been. My health still gets to me, but not as bad. Maybe, someday someone will tell a story about me and hearing the phrase I messed up being part of it.
If people keep bringing you down, remember the story of the Phoenix. For some of you, it is time to rise from the ashes of the past and start making a new future. You can only check two bags on a plane without paying extra, remember that.