I don’t think there is any better way to put it than that. In some ways, I guess we are all a little lost. Those of us who have kids, really have extra to worry about. On some things, I’m not even sure where I stand anymore. Growing up, I was part of a big family. I’m one of the youngest. I know how it feels to be left behind, literally (lol). Biologically, I have two kids. Two C-Sections (felt part of the first one, hurt like hell) and two happy healthy kids. I was married to a man that I thought I loved. I think I was more in love with the idea of love, then I was in love with the man. I was young; too damn young to be deciding my future. I was in college, working, and making my own way. Then I found him. We all have dreams of what we want out of life. Mine? I was going to be a lawyer and a mom. For some reason, I knew my marriage wouldn’t work out. No, I can’t see the future, but I’ve seen my fair share of divorces as well. My parents didn’t divorce, but I have older siblings that did. When I took my vows, I meant every word. I took “Till death do us part” to mean just that. When you take the vow in front of your loved ones and God, you should honor that, right?
Obviously, judging by my previous… rants… you can clearly tell he’s still living. That’s what changed me. 11 years of dedication was literally thrown away. Luke, Leia, and myself were left behind like garbage left on the side of the road. He had someone new and we hindered him from being with her. Did I get mean? Of course I did. I lashed out. I became bitter. I’m still bitter. That’s not something you just get over. What’s to stop the next person from doing the same? I know I don’t handle relationships well. The thought of marriage literally makes my stomach turn. Marriage doesn’t mean what it used to mean. Marriage, nowadays, means the man owns you and you need permission (sometimes on both parts) to do something. I have a father, I don’t ask his permission. You know why? Cause I’m a grown ass woman who pays her own bills.
Most people think this aversion to marriage thing is a ploy. Apparently in a bit of a tipsy stage, I told Cage I would marry him. Oops! No, he didn’t ask. I came forward with that all on my own. Like I have said before, I love Cage more than I thought was possible to love someone. This scares me. I want to keep him far enough away, he can’t hurt me, but, at the same time, I want all the love he will give. Together, we have 5 kids. My family doesn’t say step kids–which technically they aren’t. So when people ask, I tell them I have 5 kids. By all aspects of it, I do. When they are with me, I don’t treat them any different than my own. That’s exactly how it should be in these situations. There’s a rough point, while we are all adjusting, that we are going through currently.
Jealousy is a terrible thing. I’ve always been jealous and will probably always be jealous. I’m honest about it. No sense in hiding it, it will come out eventually. I’m not, by any means, skinny. I know I probably wouldn’t win any beauty awards either. I’m faithful, loving, and protective. Sometimes, that’s not enough. Cage is the 5th try since my ex walked out on us. To be honest, the ex has ruined more relationships than I have. He attacks the guy (verbal) and the guys just quit. I’ve actually heard, “I can’t deal with your ex.” Which is a cop out, I agree, but still… The kids and I deserve that stand up guy. Someone in our corner to fight for us. Can we not have that? Cage is great at it, but can we not have someone there for us without some bitch trying to snake her way in? I guess things like that just can’t happen. Not for me anyway. I liked that pic on FB that said ‘I don’t want easy, I want worth it’ I didn’t know it meant that I would constantly have women throwing themselves at Cage. He says not to worry, but some of the texts that comes from them… Believe me, you’d have a problem with it too, if those were coming to your significant other.
This is where my doubt kicks in and I want to crawl back in my hole and not come out. Being alone is better than being hurt, right? No. Having to live without Cage would really suck. Especially after knowing what it’s like to be with him. Do I think I can be a wife to him? No, I really don’t. I would love to be his wife, if I wasn’t so fucked up. I am though, and I can’t change it. I’m really just waiting for him to have enough and walk away. That’s my track record, anyway. Either way, my writing will reflect it.
Peace, love, and happiness or health, wealth, and happiness (whichever you prefer). I’m just lost.