I have decided that I can have a lot more fun being single. Don’t get me wrong, at some point in my life, I would like to settle down and have a family. Well, that is as long as the person I married too also doesn’t have a relationship with Jim, Jack, Jose, Evan, and Sour Apple Pucker. I felt that it was just right to begin the search for my soon to be second ex-wife. I have a list of specifics that I am looking for. She has to be a freak in the bedroom. If you have listened to The Buzz Kill Live, you know that I feel that I put Christian Grey to shame with my kinkiness. I feel that if she is not able to eat chili in a hot tub that shit will not happen. And by the way, chili without beans is not chili it is soup…. Unless it goes on a hot dog. That is a whole different article for a different day. I think this time, I am not going to look for friendship. I think I am just going to look for a sugar mama. I feel that is the way to go. I think she has to have a bad ass job, maybe a secretary of a top secret spy agency. (That is a hint.) Finally, I think she has to be a tad bit crazy. Who the hell am I kidding? She has to be downright nuts. I have a thing for women who are just plain nuts. I think it is part of my DNA, you should see my family. A couple of weeks ago I sat down to watch some TV with a friend of mine and I laid my eyes on her. I knew at that very moment there were sparks in the air. It was love at first sight, at least for me. Our next induction into the Hall of Hotties works for ISIS. (Not the one that is in the news. I like crazy, but not that crazy.) The next inductee into the Hall Of Hotties is the one and only…… Cheryl Tunt.
If you are a fan of the FX show Archer, you know all about the secretary to Mallory Archer. Right now, let me run down the checklist of future ex-wife material starting with crazy. Cheryl tries to turn on her computer by pushing the letter O and N. Is it bad that I find truly attractive? She also likes to sniff glue…. A lot. I think I would be ok with this. I am guessing that Elmer’s glue is like the meth of the glue world, so I would make sure that she would have the finest glues in the world. I would let her get all glued up only to be sticky again a few minutes later. I think in all the years of writing Hall Of Hotties articles that may be the weirdest sentence said. The second check, money. Cheryl is railroad royalty. Her family owns most of the railroad, a hotel, and she is a famous country music singer named Cherlene. Seriously, as many personalities as she has, it would be like sleeping with someone new each night that ended in the letter y. Finally, kinky. I am going to share with you the moment that I knew I was in love. It came from one certain line. Let me share the moment my heart skipped a beat.
“Like, a big sweaty fireman carries you out of a burning building, lays you on the sidewalk, and you think, “Yeah, okay, he’s gonna give me mouth to mouth.” But instead, he just starts choking the shit out of you, and the last sensation that you feel before you die is he is squeezing your throat so hard that a big, wet, blob of drool drips off his teeth and just “flurr“, falls right onto your popped out eyeball…”
And that, my friends, is how you turn me on. Just wow. Sploosh. She has a robot that will choke her. I mean this is the greatest woman in the history of the world and I want her to be mine. Also, she owns an Ocelot and that is just bad ass.