I knew it was time for me to return. The fat ass is too busy watching baseball, which is really weird because I didn’t even know it was still classified as a sport. I am back bitches. If you do not know who I am, let me take the time to introduce myself. My name is Stick Figure (I met this girl and she will not shut up. She has already brought up the idea of marriage, and I already said not without a prenup. I just want enough peace and quiet to enjoy an ice cold cola. I want away so bad, I told her that I may have Ebola.) Dan. I realized something over the past few weeks. Someone on this site needs to make fun of celebrities for all of their dumbassery. If a guy like Perez Hilton can do it, than a foul mouthed cartoon character actually has a great chance. I do promise all of you that I will not die in Shaknado 3. Hollywood, You can run, you can hide, but nothing will stop me from making fun of you. Not even a song written by Taylor Swift.

article-2594485-1CBEE19400000578-926_634x479So when I think of needing all of my holocaust facts, I do not turn to Wikipedia like a normal Googler. I turn to a source that is going to make me believe that we need an application for reproduction in this country. I turn to a Duggar. Yes, the same family from the show 19 Kids and Counting on TLC. In this small cult of people with the same DNA, their gifted 21 year old daughter Jessa, blamed the Holocaust on Evolution. No, not that the movie that starred David Duchovny, but the ideal that Charles Darwin came up with. Now, the idea of coming from monkeys seems to be farfetched to me, this girl thinks this is why innocent lives were taken during World War 2. That would be like me blaming chocolate chip cookies for having a gang bang in London, when we all know it is because booze and drugs. Ignorance is bliss. I swear. Sadly, it does not stop there. The stupidity continues. She even tied abortion into the Holocaust. I feel like just throwing my arms up in the air and asking for a check is all that is acceptable. For the love of all things holy, never let this woman in the state of Alaska because she could become governor. I am going to challenge a wine company to come up with a cork big enough to put a stop to the Duggar’s reproducing. I can only take this much stupidity from one of them, heaven help me if all 19 end up with a public forum. If that does happen, I do not blame evolution, I blame Trojan condoms.

stephen-colbert-ebola-crisis-colbert-report-comedy-centralThe media. How much fear are you going to strike into the hearts of this nation by using the word outbreak, preceded by Ebola? Yes, I understand that disease is deadly and yes, I get that the fact that it has killed many people. But for the love of fuck, there have been confirmed cases in the United States. There are more injuries walking down the stairs, but I do not see CNN or Fox News, calling stairs the end of the world. I love the mass hysteria that is being caused here. If I were to own stock in anything, it would be yellow rubber gloves and those breathing masks that were sold when the last plague hit. Seriously, I look at this Ebola hysteria by the media, the same way that a weatherman predicts a quarter inch of snow in the south. I guess maybe I should stock up on bread and milk and never leave my fucking house again. People, wise up.
You need to Figure IT OUT