Let’s get real; Halloween is for two things and two things only. Candy and Camel Toe. If you’re not getting one, you better be getting, or having uncomfortably, the other. And if you’re playing your cards right, you’re getting one while having the other. Yeah, you get me.

Halloween is traditionally the only holiday where you can unleash your inner skank! Unless you count Christmas, Passover, Easter, Jewish Easter and New Years Day, which I do, but Halloween you get to dress up and no one calls the cops! So it’s fun! I always go as something sexy. Sexy Cat, Sexy Maid, Sexy Secretary of State, Sexy Bea Arthur, Sexy Toast Point, Sexy Sexy Person… but this year The Buzzkill Magazine gave me a challenge. Dress up in costume as something not traditionally seen as sexy and do Halloween stuff. I laughed in their faces, thinking this was a cruel, disgusting joke. But no, I was being sent out as a person who doesn’t “get” or “respect” Halloween in its true form. I obliged, and not because of a paycheck, because I’m not getting paid a dime for writing this. Seriously, not a penny. I know. No, I did it because I like a challenge. And also because I’m married and my husband thought “Sexy Bea Arthur” really crossed the line. (I took some liberties with that costume that in some states would get me incarcerated for 10-50 years depending on the elderly abuse laws).

So here I am. Lost, alone, without an idea. What does it even mean to “not dress like a skank” for Halloween? What, should I be a nun? Would you like that?! Maybe I wear a burka and cover up every inch of skin?! Would that satiate your ferocious desire to crush my creativity? Huh? What do you want from me?!!!

I calmed down and set out on a mission throughout Los Angeles. I stopped people on Hollywood Blvd to ask what they thought would qualify as a “non-skanky costume”. This is what I discovered during my time on the streets:

ME: Hi there, how are you today?
Woman with shopping cart, a cat on a leash, no pants and boobs down to her waist. : Fine, except for the constant ringing in my ear and the fact that we’re all going to get blown up any second.”
ME: Right! Can I get an opinion from you of what you think is a “non-slutty Halloween costume?”
WWSC, ACOAL, NP, ABDTHW: Fuck you Satan! You won’t get me! I have a cloak of invisibility!
ME: Ok, thanks!

And then…

ME: Hi there, would you mind taking a sec to chat about Halloween Costumes?
Dude Who Was Clearly A Hollywood Blvd Day Time Pimp: Are you a cop?
ME: Nope, not at all.
DWWCAHBDTP: You sure? You look like a fucking cop! You pig! You have to tell me!
ME: No pig here, I’m kosher!
(I laugh a bit at my cleverness)
DWWCAHBDTP-Not clever and I don’t waste time on people who laugh at their own jokes.

Right around this time I noticed it was time for lunch, so I gave up my in depth investigation of the streets and headed to a Mexican restaurant where I ordered chips and guac and a super sized margarita with salt on the rocks, because I needed to clear my head. And I did. The next day when I woke up in a bus stop. And I had an epiphany!

Halloween is a time to express your true self! We’re all Halloween all the time! We are always “dressing up in costumes” whether it’s as a “lawyer” or a “doctor” or “human being at a wedding who’s drunk and it’s not appropriate, but what are we supposed to do, she’s our daughter in law”. We dress up every day to fill our roles as people. Life is Halloween and we’re all invited to the party.

So I took my own cue and dressed as my true self for once on this holiday. It felt good to be myself. No make up. No fancy costume. Just me. For the first time ever, my outsides match my insides, if only for a day. And I shined like the top of the Chrysler Building.

Happy Halloween Everyone! Be good to yourselves and remember, being a skank on Halloween is awesome unless you’re older than 22, and then it turns sad and weird.