Dear Santa,

Hi. How are you? I am fine.

5480d83b8dc7e.imageOkay, let’s cut the shit. Look, as you well know, I’m a Jew. A big one. Year after year I hear my gentile friends talk all about all the cool stuff they got from you, when I’m dealing yet again with some socks and a jar of pickled herring from my Aunt Phyllis. You can’t re-gift herring, trust me.Even homeless people don’t want it. It’s pathetic.

So I was thinking maybe we could work something out, so you come visit my place to this year! I have a great many skills I feel would come in handy and maybe we could do a *CFT situation.

Below are a list of my skills in order of expertise. Feel free to ask for references on any of these.

Skills:

1.Singing

2. Acting

3 Dog walking

4. Rapid eating

5. Double Jointed

6.. No adverse reaction to dairy of any kind(so if there was a questionable milk situation, I could be your stand in)

7. Not afraid of ferrets, spiders, hairless cats, gnomes, or any other small and startling creature

8. Super fast friendship bracelet maker

9. Look good in all hats

10.Conversational Spanish

11.Karate

So, feel free to peruse this list and tell me what skill would be the most helpful. I just can’t go through another holiday season like this. I need to know what it feels like to wake up to a room full of presents, and not the hum of my Uncle Bill’s CPAP machine. Trust me, it only makes getting those socks sting a little more.

Thank you in advance, I look forward to speaking with you soon.

Warmly,

Barbara Streisand