Dear Santa,

Hi. How are you? I am fine.

5480d83b8dc7e.imageOkay, let’s cut the shit. Look, as you well know, I’m a Jew. A big one. Year after year I hear my gentile friends talk all about all the cool stuff they got from you, when I’m dealing yet again with some socks and a jar of pickled herring from my Aunt Phyllis. You can’t re-gift herring, trust me.Even homeless people don’t want it. It’s pathetic.

So I was thinking maybe we could work something out, so you come visit my place to this year! I have a great many skills I feel would come in handy and maybe we could do a *CFT situation.

Below are a list of my skills in order of expertise. Feel free to ask for references on any of these.

Skills:

1.Singing

2. Acting

3 Dog walking

4. Rapid eating

5. Double Jointed

6.. No adverse reaction to dairy of any kind(so if there was a questionable milk situation, I could be your stand in)

7. Not afraid of ferrets, spiders, hairless cats, gnomes, or any other small and startling creature

8. Super fast friendship bracelet maker

9. Look good in all hats

10.Conversational Spanish

11.Karate

So, feel free to peruse this list and tell me what skill would be the most helpful. I just can’t go through another holiday season like this. I need to know what it feels like to wake up to a room full of presents, and not the hum of my Uncle Bill’s CPAP machine. Trust me, it only makes getting those socks sting a little more.

Thank you in advance, I look forward to speaking with you soon.

Warmly,

Barbara Streisand

About the author

Amy Albert

Amy Albert recently moved to LA from NYC. She's been a comedian for about 12 years and has toured the US and the UK with her one woman show, Delilah Dix-America's Showgirl. She started out at UCB in New York but made her home at The PIT where she was on a house improv team, a long form musical improv team, and taught improv and characters. Assistance the Series has been featured in festivals and screenings across the country, and Amy is super, duper proud of it! In addition, she wrote The Secret Life of Otters, a web series about a couple of comedians that move to LA from NYC and are super awkward and end up insulting everyone all the time. Like two Larry David’s but one isn't Jewish and both aren't bald. She currently performs with iO West's Headliner Sketch team, The Mutiny, runs a character show every month at The Clubhouse, and has a super sweet 15 pound Yorkie named Dave, who she feeds off the table literally every meal and feels almost no guilt about it. She wrote this herself in the 3rd person and expects your judgment about that. www.laughatamy.com