Self-Help for the Helpless Christmas


images23The holidays are ruled by an over stimulation of depression and mass amounts of rum. So before you drink yourself into a coma or the New Year, depending on how much egg nog you can hold, let me help. If you do not know who I am, let me introduce myself. My name is Stick Figure (The Mistletoe is over the door so I can use my tongue. Not to mention my stocking is very well hung. At Christmas, most kids ask Santa for a pony. And I just want a hooker who has been less penetrated than a computer at Sony.) Dan. The holiday season can turn the happiest person into someone that seems they are a part of The Vampire Diaries. So this year, I figured I would help you be able to deal with loneliness for the holidays.

Your first problem is your family. I know it has to be hard to know that you will not be able to spend Christmas with your family. But…. You would not have this problem if you were not an asshole at Christmas. No one wants to be with someone that just sits in the corner of the room and gets drunk on Boones Farm. Plus, who wants to hear about your life of playing Call of Duty in your underwear all the time. If that is the most exciting thing that you do, you may want to take a step back and reevaluate everything. Ooh, you killed a Newb, congrats, that is something to brag about to people who think the iPad is something that a pirate wears. It also doesn’t help your case that your family hates you, but that will change once. Just once. I have to keep telling myself that it is Christmas. You are going to have to do something drastic to take care of this problem from happening. First, you are going to have to learn that to be a fully functioning member of your family, you are going to have to put on pants and go to functions. I know that has to be difficult for you being that you have not seen the sun for the last 4 years. You went from average looking to having a nice resemblance to the albino in The Da Vinci Code. You need to put down the booze too. If normal people have to put up with their family without booze so can you. Doing this will allow you to be invited somewhere to spend the holiday instead of sitting in your apartment with a cat, eating ramen noodles, and binge watching Supernatural.

product_878Relationships. I bet you login into Facebook on a daily basis and see all the posts about people being in love, having children, and getting married. I also guess about 10 minutes after this; you go from mild-mannered scientist to a pissed off man that is the color of green. Not because you are the incredible Hulk, but instead you become the color of jealousy. I know what the first thought is, you want to start a Tinder account so you can meet the love of your life. The only thing you are going to meet from Tinder is a Level 10 clinger with an itching problem. Being alone at Christmas is not a bad thing unless you are a Kardashian. Remember that someday someone will come along that will change your world. That will send you a good morning text and show you the love that you are looking for. On the other hand, Tinder might be best for you. You may also buy a Santa hat and tie some mistletoe to it and hope no one slaps you with a restraining order.

You may need more help than I thought. I will be back next month with more Self-help for the Helpless!


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Stick Figure Dan
Stick Figure Dan is the resident loud foul mouthed prick of TBK Magazine. He is a loud mouth who will say anything at any given moment. He hates the world and everything in it. Dan came into the society as a writer in 2007 and hasn’t looked back since. He likes to write open letters to famous people, putting them in their place.
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