If I had to compare my life to a television show, it would have to be Honey Boo Boo meets Jerry Springer. I’m not exaggerating; you couldn’t possibly make this stuff up. I am Misty. I’m 32 years old and a pleasantly plump single mother of 4 amazing children whom I often refer to as The Minions. Although I am not too happy about the plump or the single part. When I say single I mean never been married and always alone in the world even if I am dating someone at the time. I wake up every single morning and check the bathroom mirror to see if today is the day that I can finally see the “I ♡ psychos” that clearly must be written on my forehead; still no sign of that to this day in case you were wondering. But it absolutely must be there because they keep finding me. I can’t seem to find myself in this big old world, but there is an endless line of sociopaths watching, waiting, hoping that I “trip and fall into their laps” so to say. So many, many times I did fall, hoping for love everlasting but only to find jealous, possessive lust. Sigh. I’m a hopeless romantic waiting for my knight in shining armor. Only to find another dick head in aluminum foil. My over analyzing sweet alter ego (Misty) says while swooning, “Oh darling he swept me off my feet!” My extremely rational, cynical, overly bitch alter ego (Mysterious) replies, “That wasn’t hard to do when you were laid out on your ass honey!” I am constantly at war with myself, always torn between love and reality. Maybe I’m the crazy one.

Let’s talk a bit about these war torn women inside my head. Misty still thinks that people are inherently good and that all we need is love. She honestly believes that God above has carefully selected this one incredible man that was made just for her, and he has him tucked away until the timing is perfect. This man is just toiling away in his day to day life, working his way to her. And at this perfect time a movie quality chance meeting occurs. And during said meeting there will be a star aligning, Earth-shaking moment in which every single thing in her entire life just clicks. Then, of course, there will be the classic photo montage accompanied by a sweet and upbeat love song. All of this will lead to a small but perfect wedding in which she is the most beautiful bride there ever was the little house, perfect and finally complete family, and white picket fence. She is truly hopeless.

Mysterious, however, is a force to be reckoned with. Not many have seen this side for the record. She drinks far too much, but she holds her liquor well, curses like a sailor, and can have any man she likes even if only for the night. She has an appetite for Marlboro Reds and married men. She likes these married men because she gets what she physically needs from them, and then they go home and don’t bother her. She still has her freedom. She thinks that one day she will have decent enough sex with someone who is just crazy enough to be tolerable for a while. They will deal with each other until they can’t take it anymore, and the other party will pull some wild blindsiding stunt and haul ass. She has been burned by Misty’s and her senseless escapades far too many times to have any other hopes left. Absolutely hopeless on the complete opposite end of the spectrum.

People say that there are two wolves inside of every person, and the one who wins is the one you feed. I’m not so sure that I like either one 100%. Do I feed them both in hopes that they will meet in the middle and find tolerable harmony? Or do I feed the one I want to win? Maybe I will feed them both and let them fight it out. Either way the world