cropped-assistanceclownThis was taken at my first clown party. You see, I was told when I was hired that I would usually be playing “princess’s or fairy’s, very rarely clowns”. To which I replied, “Oh, good, I hate clowns.”

I was emailed by the owner of the company that there was a party again in a park(why all these parks?!) in Whittier, CA. I’m pretty new to LA, and pretty broke, so I said yes. I didn’t ask what the character was because, you know, they rarely do clowns. But alas, I was a clown. The clowniest clown there ever was to clown. But I was broke, so for lack of a better phrase, I was indeed “down to clown”.

I drove for about an hour in traffic and arrived at “the park.” It was really some swings next to power lines, next to a dumpster, next to where I was “assigned” to do the “show”.

Me: show? What kind of show?

Mom: the owner told us you do a show. Do you not do a show? She told us you do a show. You’re not going to do a show?

Me: It’s not really a show as much as I do balloon animals and face paint and do some magic a little and have a box of stuff.

Mom: (sucks her teeth and rolls her eyes)

Me: I can do a show though! Sure!!!

Mom: Good. Ok. Kids! This clown is going to do a show!

Kids: Yay!

I walked to my dirt patch and laid down the parachute.

Me: Ok! Who likes magic?

Kids: YAYAYAY!!

Me: Okay, here we go.

At this point, all the parent with their open bottles of liquor and 2 huge dogs gather around to watch the “show”.

Me: I have a coloring book…(I won’t explain the joke, but punchline is…)

Kids: We can see your hand. Your hand is on the page, and that’s what’s covering it up.

Dad of all the kids?: Shit, this is some bullshit. What kind of a show is this?

Me: I don’t do a show, it’s more like, I entertain and paint faces and do balloons.

Kids: Balloons!!!

Me: Okay, great! Birthday girl first. What would you like?

BG: I want an Elsa.

Me: Oh, I can’t really do an Elsa, how about a dog?

BG: I want ELSA!

Dad: She wants Elsa.

Mom: Your boss said you do balloons.

Me: I do, but mostly…dogs…and giraffes.

Dad: This is bullshit. This clown is bullshit.

Fin

I drove away and took that pic. It’s become my theme of this job.

About the author

Amy Albert

Amy Albert recently moved to LA from NYC. She's been a comedian for about 12 years and has toured the US and the UK with her one woman show, Delilah Dix-America's Showgirl. She started out at UCB in New York but made her home at The PIT where she was on a house improv team, a long form musical improv team, and taught improv and characters. Assistance the Series has been featured in festivals and screenings across the country, and Amy is super, duper proud of it! In addition, she wrote The Secret Life of Otters, a web series about a couple of comedians that move to LA from NYC and are super awkward and end up insulting everyone all the time. Like two Larry David’s but one isn't Jewish and both aren't bald. She currently performs with iO West's Headliner Sketch team, The Mutiny, runs a character show every month at The Clubhouse, and has a super sweet 15 pound Yorkie named Dave, who she feeds off the table literally every meal and feels almost no guilt about it. She wrote this herself in the 3rd person and expects your judgment about that. www.laughatamy.com