Aries:

It’s a subdued New Moon for you in March. Subdued new moons are for lame ass bitches like your neighbor that’s always sitting on your fire escape when you come home. Wanna flip that lame ass moon? Live your dream of becoming an American Ninja Warrior and then celebrate in Cabo for spring break on dad’s Amex. Then you can turn around and tell that moon to turn your pages.

Taurus:

Good news! Your ruler Venus is entering you this month! Don’t fuck it up this time by taking advice from a Pisces. If you feel the need to express yourself during the Solar Eclipse, walk into another room and tug one out. I’m tired of seeing you cock-block yourself, scaring off strange with haikus and shit. Record a mantra that makes you feel badass (e.g. “I am a badass”, “I am the shit”) and listen to it during power naps. You got this…

Gemini:

What’s up dude?! Guess what? The Gemini Moon is hanging with Mercury. Looks like you don’t have HPV after all! Go out, party, celebrate, have fun, booze it up and smush. If you don’t have the cash right now to smash any snatch, you can start earnin’ more paper slanging that yayo your landlord left in his microwave.

Cancer:

Yo, little man! The weekend of the 4/04 the Cancer Moon is gonna have a three-some with Mercury in Pisces. No excuses anymore brah…I know you’ve been trolling that Pisces girl across the street, but it’s high time to sack up and talk to her about something other than the fucking mail! You’re lamer than that hobbit on Wilford. You could be blazing on those beat cakes if you knew what was up. Don’t diss the Cancer moon playing League of Legends all night talking smack on a headset. Get out there!

Leo:

wpid-screenshot_2013-06-21-21-17-33-1.pngBroseph! The Full Moon could bring you a fortune or maybe renege and give it to a Cancer. I know that would blow, but either way call your cousin Jessica and get that guy Geoff laid. Seriously, his Instagram cat pictures are out of control and dragging you down with him. And his name starts with a “G”! Oh, almost forgot….April 5th could be re-named “Hit it raw Day” as the Leo Moon trysts with the Sun in Aries. This means you can raw dog for a whole weekend!

Virgo:

Yo, Homie! Virgo is represented by the virgin. LOL Nah seriously, good shit’s gonna be pouring down on you with the New Moon, and it’s not just sweater meat. Your boss could even bump you up to Sunday DJ at the rink. Who knows?!! Last thing, don’t be so quick to punch people. It’s awesome to watch, but it’s not the world we live in.

Libra:

Dude, how come it takes you three hours to pick out a movie?! It’s Netflix! There’s no risk! You missed out on smushin’ last month cuz you couldn’t pick a documentary. And, I know you’ve got beef with UFC but when you get the opportunity for tix this month, you better go, or I’m gonna be straight offended. Oh, starting 4/06, Venus is gonna be dogging Jupiter, so stop playin’….

Scorpio:

Bro, get focused on your true passion with the New Moon and Solar Eclipse on 3/20. That means taking an Adderall and scouring the net for new networking opportunities. Don’t forget the bowling alley. Remember that time you rolled a 230 and smushed it later?

Sagittarius:

You haven’t been doing your dong any favors with all this “me time” shit. Wandering around the beach with a metal detector? You look insane. At the least get a couple dudes to go with you next time. Anyway, you got a weird month coming, for real. The Moon conjoins Jupiter again on Monday March 30. That could mean luck but could also just be you alone in a titty bar dropping coinage.

Capricorn:

narn021It’s hot as balls outside right now brah. Time to show off them abs pool-side. Just kidding, you look like pudding right now. Stay inside, and hit that gym before taking the board out. You got lots of time…..the Capricorn Moon watches Saturn go stationary retrograde. I don’t know what that means but either way you gotta get fit.

Aquarius:

Dude, would it kill you to wear a shirt that’s not black or has a bunch of coyotes howling? Why you always got that black cowboy hat? No one tells you, but it doesn’t work with shorts while you’re inside. It looks like you’re plotting something. I know you’re original and all that shit, but weird never gets laid. Listen, Jupiter hooked up with Uranus on the third, and I wanna know what happened. Did you pop it? Let me know.

Pisces:

Look, Mercury is tapping Neptune on 04/03. You need to stay in the moment and not spiral about Facebook love. The Full Moon could mean your girl finally gets you, and while I’d like to tell you to thank her for putting up with your pussy-ass for this long, I’m gonna hold back. Don’t say a word. Because if you do you’ll start crying or reading a book or both. At this point, I’d be pleased if you could even say the word “smash” without prematurely busting and ruining your rep for real.

About the author

Nick Cobb

Nick Cobb is a standup comedian and pseudo-actor that enjoys watching basketball, following basketball and peeing outside. Nick is not multi-talented and doesn’t have any hobbies, mainly because he thinks hobbies are “for show off’s”. He successfully kept his 2015 New Years resolution – to buy something from SkyMall magazine on every flight he took for the year – until the company filed for bankruptcy on January 16th. Nick is still killing it with his 2014 resolution, to be up-front whenever he’s forgotten someone’s name. Preferring to say “I’m sorry I forgot your name” instead of continuing to embarrass himself and everyone else by trying to “friend” and “buddy” his way through another party conversation. Nick is looking forward to winning his first Pulitzer with Buzzkill while working alongside his wife, Buzzkill writer Amy Albert.