It was a typical Thursday. Me sitting on my couch with my computer buzzed on iced coffee and hope. Nothing remarkable. I had applied for a couple of jobs for “fun”. I glanced over to the pool area where some cool downtown LA’ers were sunning themselves to mask their self-loathing and possible illiteracy.

I go onto Facebook, but only because I had a moment of feeling totally okay about my life. It’s Thursday, and that means #throwbackthursday. I never participate, mostly because I forget and also for the fact that when I was younger, I bared a striking resemblance to Patrick Dempsey, so I don’t like to post those pictures unless I know it will get me some sympathy.
Someone had posted a TBT Quiz entitled ‘Which Sex and the City Character Are You?”

Now we can all admit there is not a human alive that doesn’t have some sort of relationship with that show. We love it, even if we hate it. I actually do genuinely love it. I worked as a Sex and the City Tour guide for almost 6 years in NYC. It was a great job! Fun, silly. I got to say the F word a LOT, drink sometimes and watch middle-aged mid-western woman whore it out for 3.5 hours calling themselves a Samantha! Who wouldn’t love that?!

sex-and-the-city-opening-credits-carrie-bradshaw-14407403-1064-800I have, however, never taken the quiz because frankly there was no need to! I know who I am! I am a quirky, funny, Blonde Jew with a passion for fashion and a love of life! I’m a Carrie, obvs!!!!! Doy! Duh!!!!! Manolo! Blahnik!!!! I know what those are!!!!

I smirked as I looked at the screen, thinking, okay, Mr. Computer person. Let’s see what you got!

Question #1-A cute guy walks into a bar and offers to buy you a drink. You tell him you want a:

A: Sex on the beach
B. Cosmo
C. Martini
D. Whiskey

So easy! Sex on the beach is gross and has a million calories. Not that. Cosmo, while tasty, is too sweet for me at this point, martini is boring, but whiskey says, Hey there fella, I can hang. So d.

That all you got?

#2-. You’re broke and down to your last $100. You spend it on…
A. Those new stilettos you’ve been dying to have. You might be homeless, but at least you’ll be fashionably homeless.
B A night out at the bar. The guy you pick up will know how to make you forget you’re broke.
C. A large order of greasy take-out from your favorite Chinese restaurant. The fortune cookie might deliver some good news.
D. Nothing. You’ll probably need it later.

Jesus, really? Um, first of all $100 won’t buy stilettos that don’t kill your feet, so obvs, no. Night out at a bar sounds good, but I’m married, so no thanks. Nothing need it later; that’s stupid! Live your goddamn life! Cookies, no brainer. Also, Chinese food is cheap and keeps for days and days. Next! Challenge me please I’m bored!

Top of Form

3. Which stereotype do you find yourself most attracted to?

A.The Gentleman.
B. The Charmer.
C.The Intellectual.
D.The Player.

Bottom of Form

Ugh, seriously! Well, I’m a comedian, and they didn’t list that, so the only viable option is Intellectual. Carrie’s all over the world are rolling their eyes!

By number 3, I decided I wouldn’t even read them fully because it was obvious that I would know a Carrie answer from word 1 because it’s like using my own brain! So I’ll just write my answers.

They were:

Silk_Soymilk.gifBroadway Show Cats

Reading the paper

Lawyer

Soy Milk

Short

Hysterectomy

Dinosaur

Gay

Sleeping while the ball drops.

I took a slow sip of my watery iced coffee while I pressed send. I drifted for a second thinking about what I would say on my Facebook status as I posted this quiz revealing that I was, in fact, the Carrie everyone knew I already am. I pictured all my friends commenting with “Well, of course, you are! Hello!” and “Why’d you even waste your time?!” and “#throwbackthursday why don’t you have a job yet”?

My eyes came back into focus, and I glanced at my screen. My smile slowly faded. I rubbed my eyes and looked again.

557657_f496You are Miranda

No. No, there must be some mistake. I laugh, thinking I must’ve clicked on someone else’s quiz results. Someone else who is boring and stuffy and not fun and everything else I am not.

You are Miranda

The words were almost burning my eyes. My light, Blonde Jew, quirky eyes.

I shouted, “You know nothing of who I am!” and threw the computer down on the ground. I am fun and funny and quirky! You are a computer! You have no feelings! You have no funny quips! You have no sense of fashion! You….are dumb!

I threw myself on my sensible duvet and cried for 13 minutes until I realized my laundry was done, and I had to get it out before my spinning class. I knew I could cut it close because I didn’t need to shower or wear makeup since there is no need. I am a secure woman who validates myself with my quick wit and ability to talk to anyone about politics.

In the end, I decided that quizzes are dumb and not worth my time. So if you will excuse me, my cat and I have a date to watch Jeopardy and laugh about immigration laws.

About the author

Amy Albert

Amy Albert recently moved to LA from NYC. She's been a comedian for about 12 years and has toured the US and the UK with her one woman show, Delilah Dix-America's Showgirl. She started out at UCB in New York but made her home at The PIT where she was on a house improv team, a long form musical improv team, and taught improv and characters. Assistance the Series has been featured in festivals and screenings across the country, and Amy is super, duper proud of it! In addition, she wrote The Secret Life of Otters, a web series about a couple of comedians that move to LA from NYC and are super awkward and end up insulting everyone all the time. Like two Larry David’s but one isn't Jewish and both aren't bald. She currently performs with iO West's Headliner Sketch team, The Mutiny, runs a character show every month at The Clubhouse, and has a super sweet 15 pound Yorkie named Dave, who she feeds off the table literally every meal and feels almost no guilt about it. She wrote this herself in the 3rd person and expects your judgment about that. www.laughatamy.com